Should Men Get to Vote?

10/26/2012 11:47 am ET | Updated Dec 26, 2012

Regardless of who is elected president, America faces four more years of polarized gridlock. We appear incapable of addressing the serious issues of global warming, controlling health care costs, reducing the federal deficit and the trade deficit and creating middle class jobs in the face of increasing globalization.

Therefore we must examine the fundamentals of our democratic system and ask the question that is on everyone's mind: Should certain classes of men, specifically straight men, be allowed to vote?

Polls reveal sharp differences between straight men and women voters. Asked what qualities they valued in a president, women listed:

1. Judgment
2. Intelligence
3. Leadership
4. Communications skills
5. Empathy

The list for straight men was:

1. Swagger
2. Knowledge of NFL rules
3. Doesn't take any shit from foreigners. Piss him off and he invades.
4. Laughs at fart jokes
5. Kind of a guy who could help you score cocaine

Straight men and women also differ on the importance of different issues. For women the top five domestic issues are:

1. The economy
2. Unemployment and jobs
3. The federal deficit
4. Health care
5. Income inequality

For straight me, the top five domestic issues are:

1. More great sex
2. Should the National League adopt the designated hitter rule?
3. More good sex
4. Should pre-school children be allowed to bring loaded Kalashnikov assault weapons to "show and tell?"
5. More not-so-good sex, that is pretty good, even when it's not-so-good.

The two groups also diverge on foreign policy. Women's top concerns are:

1. Global warming
2. A two state solution in Palestine.
3. Preventing Iran from obtaining nuclear weapons
4. A collapse of the Euro
5. Improving relations with China and Russia.

Straight men listed:

1. Amadina-what-his-name and those other jerkoffs in Iraq who attacked us on 9/11.
2. The French, that bunch of cheese eating surrender monkeys. They think there so great, but they'd be speaking German if it wasn't for us,
3. Those assholes in Dickheadistan and all those other piss-ant countries.
4. The Arabs. They really piss me off.
5. The Chinese. We buy all their shit and what do we get in return? Debt! We owe them a fortune. This is unfair!

With such different values, the gender voting gap is no surprise. The strutting, truculent and misunderinformed George W. Bush ran 12 points higher among straight men than women in 2000 and nine point higher in 2004. The blustery and cantankerous John McCain ran nine points higher in 2008. Polls show the out-of-touch, flip-flopping, and dissembling Romney enjoying a similar edge.

Given these facts, I propose a constitutional amendment prohibiting straight men from voting. Surprisingly, Romney does not oppose this. "Women will vote as directed by their husbands," he explained.