03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Teach Idiotic Design in Schools: The Alternative to Darwinism

What is the origin of life? How did we come to be here?

Public schools teach that the answer is evolution.

But evolution is not a fact. It is only a theory, and a weak one at that. Darwin's so-called theory cannot explain nipples on men; it cannot explain the sea slug Eolidoidea; it cannot explain altruism; it cannot explain IRS regulations on capital loss carry forwards.

Worse, the theory of evolution exhibits an embarrassing lack of fossil evidence. Atheistic Darwinists would have us believe that the United States evolved from the Era of Good Feeling (c. 1820) through Rum, Romanism, and Rebellion (c. 1884) to Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll (c. 1968). But there is no fossil evidence to support this

Rather than confirming Darwinism, recent fossil discoveries discredit the theory of evolution. For example, an analysis of the recently discovered "Kennewick Man," reveal he was white Protestant banker who died of golfer's elbow circa 9000 B.C.

Given its gaps and inconsistencies, many scientists have concluded that Darwin's theory is no longer effective and robust. They have begun searching for alternative explanations.

Idiotic Design

The most compelling alternative is called "Idiotic Design" or "Unintelligent Design," -- the idea that humans are so screwed up they could not have evolved naturally; they must have been designed by a lunkhead.

Dr. Narisch Meschugge, Professor of Certainty at Pat Robertson College is the father of the "Idiotic Design" theory. "It came to me when I was watching Glenn Beck." Dr. Meschugge explains. "I realized that evolution could not have produced a man who resembles a member of the tetraodontidae fish family in both looks and intelligence. Clearly, Glenn Beck was designed by an imbecile."

"When you see a Buick LaCrosse, Chevy Uplander, or any GM car, you realize they did not just happen. They were designed by tasteless morons," Meschugge continued. "Similarly, when you notice Geraldo Rivera, Kansas Senator Sam Brownback, or Miley Cyrus, you realize that they did not just happen. They were designed by someone with the IQ of a string bean."

The Gauche Gay Conundrum

ID advocates note that Darwinian theory cannot explain homosexuality or left-handedness. How could "gay genes" for not reproducing be passed on?

How could genes that cause lefthanders to smear themselves with ink and injure themselves using table saws be passed on? According to Darwinian theory, these genes should have been selected out.

Idiotic Design theory has no problems accounting for homosexuality or left-handedness, according to Dr. Pazzo Loco, Director of the Instituto Imbestialire in Sienna. The Designer himself (or herself) may have been a gauche gay or a lesbian lefty."

Dr. Loco sees evidence of Idiotic Design everywhere. "Men who won't ask for directions when lost. Spouses who argue with each other even thought no one has ever won an argument with a spouse. Canadian who actually enjoy watching Ice Hockey."

"The designer," she concludes, "must a have been a clueless cretin, an out-to-lunch nitwit, a few Valkyries short of a Ring Cycle."

Is ID Science?

Secular humanists claim that ID is not science. This is echoed by the liberal, knee-jerk child-molesting, ax-murdering media

Science deals in reproducible experiments. But unique events such as the origin of the Universe, Earth, life, mankind and other kinds of living things cannot be reproduced in the laboratory. Scientists can only speculate. The Big Bang theory and evolution theories are not testable. Ultimately, they must be taken on faith - just like ID.

We have to ask which is more credible -- that once upon a time there was nothing that exploded into everything, that non-living chemicals organized themselves into the first living thing -- or rather that it was planned by an Idiotic Designer.

"Either we were an inexplicable accident of the cosmos," Dr. Loco asserts, "or we were in some way designed by a slow-witted nincompoop."

Should We Teach ID in Public Schools?

The liberal secular humanists argue for keeping an open mind and looking at both sides of an issue when it comes to flag burning, internet porn, or gay marriage. But regarding the origin of life, they demand that only one theory be taught in public schools -- the untestable, flawed, and discredited theory of evolution,

We should teach both sides of the issue. Students would benefit from a healthy and vigorous debate about alternatives to Darwin's theory. Get the students involved in critical thinking. Let them look at the all the facts that show the theory of evolution is problematic. Let all students ponder ten questions:

1. Which better Bowl Game halftime pageants -- evolution or Idiotic Design?
2. Which better explains the federal mohair subsidy -- evolution or Idiotic Design?
3. Which better explains hydroplane racing -- evolution or Idiotic Design?
4. Which better explains Tom Delay's dancing -- evolution or Idiotic Design?
5. Which better explains mosquitoes -- evolution or Idiotic Design?
6. Which better explains official State Songs -- evolution or Idiotic Design?
7. Which better explains acne -- evolution or Idiotic Design?
8. Which better explains Fox News -- evolution or Idiotic Design?
9. Which better explains Jon and Kate -- evolution or Idiotic Design?
10. Which better explains Toledo, Ohio -- evolution or Idiotic Design?

Then let the students decide for themselves.

What can you do?

You can help. If you want public schools to teach Idiotic Design, do the following:

First, reach out. Forward this e-mail to 10 friends, or 10 people who were friends prior to you forwarding this e-mail.

Second, become active politically. Write your representative. Point out that the existence of Congress and State legislatures are, in themselves, proof of Idiotic Design. Demand they support teaching ID in public schools. Demand they criminalize failure to say grace before meals. Demand they resurrect Terry Schaivo.

Third, contribute. We cannot continue our important work without your financial support. In fact, my wife is pressuring me to get a job.

Please give at the highest possible level:

Fruitcake Level $100
Bonkers Level $500
Crackpot Level $1,000
Wacko Level $5,000

Make your check payable to me; I will use the money wisely.

Fourth, continue to be yourself. The way you have always conducted yourself is irrefutable proof of Idiotic Design. Don't stop!

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