Last week Wisconsin voters declared they would they rather be screwed by corporations and the rich than be screwed by labor unions.
Republicans were jubilant. "Given a clear choice of being screwed by either the corporations and the rich or the labor unions, Wisconsin voters overwhelmingly choose the former," said Mitt Romney. "In November, voters nationwide will make the same choice.
Democrats disagreed. "In Wisconsin, the trial lawyers played no role," said Vice President Biden. "But in national election voters know with a Democratic victory they will get screwed by both the unions and the trial lawyers. The verdict in the John Edwards trial reveals that many Americans are happy to get screwed by trial lawyers."
"For most of recorded history Screwees could not choose their Screwors," said Dr. Fredrick Flakenbush, author of The Screwees Guide to Voting and Elections. "The clergy and the nobility screwed the people without their consent for thousands of years. The ability to choose one's Screwor is the triumph of American democracy.''
Many Wisconsin voters agreed. "I accept that that I am going to get screwed," Tom Murphy of Racine, Wisc., said. "Thank God I live in America where I can vote for my preferred Screwer. Banks have screwed me for years. My bank offered me a liars' loan, then foreclosed on my house, charged exorbitant fees for fraudulent paperwork and gave their CEO a $12 million bonus while their stock price tanked. I considered voting to be screwed by the labor unions this election, but then I learned that banks are corporations and corporations are people, so I forgave my bank. Probably just had a spat with his/her teenage kids.
"But I got pissed off when I saw the county road crew pocketing double time for working flag day while discussing fantasy football drafts during their eight hour break. So I voted to get screwed by the usual suspects."
In past elections third-party candidates promised that if elected, the people could get screwed by groups as diverse as librarians, poets and retail clerks. This year, because Citizens United removed all political spending restraints on Screwers, there is no talk of a third party. In explaining the court's decision, Justice Roberts wrote, "The Constitution's original intent was that the Screwers should screw the Screwees in perpetuity. Remember that Washington, Jefferson, Madison and Monroe were all slave owners. Alexander Hamilton was a New York banker. The were all Screwers.
"And in America, Screwership in not inherited. The American dream is that the offspring of Screwees can become a Screwer. That is why so many Screwees send their sons and daughters to law school."