Memo to Obama: Hire the Terminator!

Democratic leaders are not-so-privately wondering if Obama has the cojones to beat John McCain in the election. They fear he's just a kitty cat, and some of the superdelegates are thinking of changing their vote. Can't have that.

So I'm sending Obama this memo. It suggests four ways to bump up his testosterone level.

I recommend that Obama go after the Terminator. Barack should come to Los Angeles and do whatever it takes to recruit him for his campaign. Not as his running mate, mind you, but as his Attack Dog. Arnold's almost a Democrat anyway. Have you noticed his wife's last name? Have you seen the way he's shown his scorn lately for all things Bush?

This kind of decisiveness will show America that our boy is a manly man. Everyone knows the best way to become a chick magnet is to hire several alpha males to act as your entourage when you go bar-hopping. Then when you boss them around, chicks flock to you. It's a statistical fact. It says so in The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists.

Now it doesn't take a psychologist to figure out that if it works that way with drunk chicks at a bar -- well! It's bound to work the same way with American voters. Alphas carry heat. Just ask Clinton -- or Monica. Bill Clinton, I mean. Not the chick who almost beat Obama.

And while we're on the subject of the Clintons, I have another piece of advice for Obama. You need to forget this making-up-with-Hilary crap. After all, didn't Bill Clinton win because he bitch-slapped Jesse Jackson back in 1992? Yeah. Made him sit down. Uh huh! Showed him who was B-O-S-S.

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Oh, yeah. Americans loved that. They even elected him. Twice.

So to sum up, Mr. Obama, here's the winning strategy:

1) Call in The Terminator and give him his marching orders: THE TIME HAS COME FOR YOU TO FULFILL YOUR DESTINY. NOW IS THE TIME FOR YOU TO ESCAPE CALIFORNIA FOR WASHINGTON. JOIN ME. TOGETHER, WE CAN UNIFY THE AMERICAN COLONIES. Yes, they can. When the Americans see Obama bossing around the Terminator, all their worries about whether or not Obama can handle Putin and the Russian Federation will vanish.

2) Call in President Bill Clinton. Tell him if he ever hopes to roam the halls of the White House again, and hang with chubby interns, he'd better sit down and shut up. He'll get the point.

3) Call in Hillary and bitch-slap her. "You lost, Madame Not-So-Presidential. So go away. If you were a man, you'd do it quietly." Yes sir. When Americans see that Obama can beat up on his former Democratic contender with impunity (and we all know she had real cojones), then red-blooded Americans will feel safe. They'll know that Obama really will follow bin Laden to the Gates of Hell. Without Pakistan's permission, unlike McCain.

4) Finally, call in Sly Stallone. Tell him to get on his fracking gear, and load his fracking gun, and put on his fracking tan and camouflage paint, and tell Bill O'Reilly on Fox News he's ready to go. As soon as he gets the order. Yeah. Because on January 20, President Obama is going to send Rambo into Pakistan (complete with a Hollywood documentary team led by Ben Stiller) and they are not allowed to come back home until Rambo's either killed bin Laden or died on his shield.

"What? Never mind that you don't have a shield. Just do it, Rambo!"

See? Obama dominates the most iconic alpha males of the decade. We see his testosterone rise. No one ever questions Obama's fitness to be Commander in Chief again.

And Bubba down South votes for him.

Game over.

NEXT WEEK: How Obama can prove that he's NOT a Muslim