07/16/2010 03:48 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

A Curious Study of the Personality Traits of the Common Social Networker

I won't lie here: I love Facebook. I don't even care about all the privacy setting noise. In my opinion, If you do care about privacy settings, you're using the site wrong. They can sell whatever consumer profile they've come up with about me. If that means the ads on my pages are for cameras and bicycles instead of home loans and dating sites, even better

I'm not a huge contributor though. Sure, I comment here and there and share a song or two, but you'll never see my dating status as anything but "It's complicated" and my personal info won't change even if jobs do. Instead I prefer to be more of the silent majority who primarily use the site for two things: messaging without losing your contacts every new laptop lurking.

And I lurk hard. Facebook and Twitter are more entertaining to me than cable TV. I love to read what people choose to share. I love when two people think they are being mysterious, when really, being friends with both, a story becomes embarrassingly clear. And I love the predictability. By that I mean, there really are only a handful of types of updates that you get over and over. I'll spare the boring ones like kid updates, the videos shares, the song lyrics dude or the truly funny. "I'll take "Places And Things That Suck Your Soul Dry" for 800, Alex. No, I'm talking about the other ones.

The Status Guru: Everyone has one of these, if not a few depending on how many of your yoga classmates you have befriended digitally. This is the person who drops hippy-Hallmarky enlightenment quotes daily as if the path to universal salvation begins with the unmitigated propagating power of Facebook. These, and the discussions they inspire, are like the HBO Sunday night line-up of Facebook. Speaking of which, did you know Ram Dass is on Twitter? It seems so wrong.

The Complainer/Hypochondriac: I'm going to lump these together just because they are too annoying to have two categories. Headache, again! Feel blah. I'm not sure why people think when that their friends, logging onto their computers would want to read about ailments and weird ooze, but for some reason they do. Quite often, over and over. In my world, these usually get hid like a bag of weed being snuck into the policeman's ball.

Mr Vague: It's starting to happen. Or. We shall see... or anythign else that gives us nothing. Again, why? Are you baiting us for interaction? That's kind of sad.

Miss Minutiae: I have to admit, I'm oddly drawn to the people who Twitter every boring and lame aspect of their lives. The ones who don't even pretend that they aren't completely addicted to sharing their every experience. Someone needs to make a movie about them; I think the scope of this problem has yet to be truly understood. Twitter rehab is closer than you think, so don't get pulled into the T-Hole! Unless you're my "friend" -- in that case, keep it up. My days would not know what to do without you.

The Overworker: Then there's the person who is constantly telling us how hard they are working at the moment. So hard, in fact, they had to log onto Facebook to tell us about it. Seems a bit oxymoronic to me, but I know the workaholic shtick is older than work itself, so why would we expect it to stop now.

The Exerciser: Obviously, I wasn't the only one to notice this, because now Nike makes it easy for your running times and mileage to automatically be Facebooked. If you use those, don't. Even if you're slow, it just makes you look like you're a bragging tech-nerd who is, ironically, too lazy to just type it yourself without the Nike ad attached. If not the Nike one, everyone has that "just did 80 miles on the bike and 2 miles in the pool, time for a run?" person in their friends. Whatever, Bruce Jenner.

The Heavies: I once went out with a girl who was a heavy. All news, all the time. I'm all for keeping up with the world, but the world can also drag you down if you let it. The heavies only post news articles from foreign locales -- the ones you think you know where they are, but actually don't. Oh, the girl? I think it ended the night we cuddled while watching a brutal, graphic modern war documentary. I like it a touch lighter than that.

The Is-ers: When are people going to realize putting just "is" as your Facebook status is no longer funny or original? It doesn't even make sense now that they don't prod you into third person. I've been waiting three years for, at the very least, an "isn't." Steven: is waiting.

I could keep going with these -- maybe I'll save them for a part two. The Oversharer. The I-Use-Facebook-Status-as-Instant-Messenger posse. The Weirdo. It's interesting that we have this new generation of people not writing, or even blogging, but instead simply tossing out stabs of conversation hoping whatever wandering eyes will read, process, and respond. I never really thought of it in those terms, but now that I do, it is perfectly understandable why it's all so weird. The predictability I blame on the fact that no matter how many after school movies we watched about being special, the truth is, in the end we are all different variations of the same shit. Nothing wrong with that.