The Straight Nope: Brolsters

11/09/2012 03:15 pm ET | Updated Jan 09, 2013

Or man-holsters? Holstims? What the eff are these things called? Does it matter? Have these made it out of Southern California yet? 'Cause down here, they been had dis*.

I was at a party the other night, and Joan from Mad Men was going to town on the cheese platter. Not in a piggy way, just in a "very-interested-in-cheese" style, making sure that anyone bellying-up didn't miss the pineapple brie that was screened unmindfully by the pumpkin neufchâtel. That has nothing to do with the story except to flex cheese vernacular and a Joan sighting.

Actually, maybe it does. Because up rolls this guy wearing a white shirt, lots of gold and -- wait for it -- a Louis Vuitton wallet-holster thing! I shit you not. I hate to admit it, but in his kinda-L.L. Cool J way, he was kinda pulling it off. Who knows, maybe he was also some celeb who has mistakingly believed he'd reached do-whatever-I-like status, though last I checked only Crispin Glover has cleared that level.

So, Ladies-Love-Not-Cool-James butts in aggressively when he sees that Joan is dishing cheese knowledge. Can't blame him for that, I would have done the same -- sans holster, of course, because that thing was ridiculous. Words fail me to truly describe how dumb these are, so suffice to say it's something like a croc/ugg combo boot with a dash of Bristol Palin's IQ and a bag of old hair.

I would have just chalked the spotting up to a fancy-ass-party-in-Los-Angeles one-off, but unfortunately for all, we've been tipping-pointed. The "brolster" is out and about in numbers, especially over on the even-weirder west side of Los Angeles.

If you ever want to gawk at the goofiest-dressed people -- maybe in the world -- go to the Whole Foods in Venice. The shizitnit is bizonkersadelic. Lots of pocket flaps, leather belt cases and... yes... the dreaded brolster/man-holster/"the d-bag"/holstim/harshness-harness/over-the-shoulder-out-of-date-condom-holder.

Got any better names? Let's "tramp-stamp" this thing before it gets out of hand, giving it a derogatory name so harsh and simultaneously on-point that it single-handily kills the fad.

Because I can't accept a future where these are OK, and neither should you.

*The men of holsters have been partaking in this particular trend for quite some time now, and with a superiority to those who have discovered it more recently.