For the past five years, Steven has been shoveling advice at singleape.com. The following is a weekly selection for the readers of Huffington Post. Feel free to give opinion or send in your own questions.
Ape -
I have this relatively new guy friend that I regularly get into long, intense discussions with for hours and we talk about about everything; music, art, philosophy, politics. and inevitably the subject of relationships always comes up towards the end of the conversation. He tells me about his concerns and hesitations about getting involved in another long term relationship because he's been burned recently and doesn't want to get back into a bunch of co-dependency bullshit.
We talk about healthy relationships and unhealthy relationships and then he goes on about how he still really wants a girl, but hates to be stuck "in the want". Honestly, this feels like some stupid scene from When Harry Met Sally (the worst movie ever). I am not sure whether I would be interested in him as more than a friend, but I am curious, in your experience, if a guy is regularly talking to you about relationships/relationship philosophy etc..are you definitively in the friend zone (like he's talking dating strategy with another guy friend, except one who happens to have insider information cause he's a girl), or is it possible that he is feeling me out to see if I might be interested?
You lost my at the part about When Harry Met Sally being the worst movie ever. You happen to be asking the opinion of a guy who would never not stop on When Harry Met Sally while flipping the channels and watch however much is left. I think it's one of the greatest movies ever, but I'm also a total Rob Reiner fan. Between Spinal Tap, The Princess Bride and When Harry Met Sally, the guy is pretty much speaking my language from every angle. The undisputed king of the comfort flick. I'll even walk a thin limb here and say that -- though I haven't seen it in a while -- I really loved The Story of Us too. The dude really knows how to squeeze what it's all about down to all that you need to see.
Cinematic differences aside, I can answer your question. Just last night actually, I was on a San Francisco rooftop drinking beers, enjoying the panoramic view, and discussing how girls tend to get caught on the details more than guys. My friend even came up with a "heard it on NPR" story about the scientific theories behind this idea, which he animatedly retold. The reason we were discussing this was because someone mentioned about how the Single Ape questions often get too damn long. I'm not going to fully lump you into this category, but I can say that if reading between the lines, I could sum this question up in three or four sentences.
The summarizing begins with dropping the, "I'm not sure if I would... but" line, as it's feeding the rest of the babble. You kind of like him, and want to know if he would like you back, there's nothing wrong with admitting that. Say it out loud if you have to, not only will it feel good but it'll get you halfway to where you need to be. How do you expect him to define his feelings if you're not willing to define yours? Someone's got to make the effort to not wallow in the mud of indecision, and that someone in this case is you.
From there, you need to start ignoring his relationship tirades. Sure, you can humor him with responsive conversation, but trying to use these discussions to deduce the possibilities is like predicting the weather with birch sticks and an assortment of medium-sized lady bugs. The truth is, boys just talk shit. All. The. Time. He's not telling you what his plans are, he is telling you the guy he is trying to talk himself into being. Once you offer up some solid make-out action, anything can happen.
That's the nature of boys, and definitely this boy. All people should worry about is if they are getting some quality time with the person -- which is sounds like you already are -- after that it really is all up in the air. And I'm not just cheerleading here, I really believe it. So skip the details. Ignore the who's, what's, why's and all. The worst that can happen is that you get rejected -- which anyone can tell you is -- or at least should be -- no big deal.
You know how in cheesy movies -- much like When Harry Met Sally -- there's the "shut up and kiss me..." moment, usually marked with the woman putting her finger on his lips before going in for the kiss? Well, you might be figuratively a few moments before that, which is why it feels like a bad movie. Keep that in mind from here on out. If you like him enough, don't worry about what he might or might not want. Instead show him what he wants, and leave the rest for him to accept or reject instead of you preemptively rejecting yourself through over-thinking and the crunching of faulty data.
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