Gay & Lesbian Manners: To Drink or Not to Drink with Your Alcoholic, Lesbian Sister?
Q: My lesbian sister is an alcoholic and has been in AA for six months now. While I'm happy for her, she's asked me not to serve alcohol to others when she is present nor for me to have a drink when she's visiting. But I'm not an alcoholic. Is she right to ask for this? --No Teetotaler Here
A: Aren't sisters always right, even if they're not? This one is tricky, as you've noticed already. I can tell that part of you wants to support her decision to stop drinking, which is a good thing, while another part of you doesn't want her decision to affect how you live. Fair enough. A lot of us have friends who irritate us with their "food allergies," which is oft code for "I don't like this or that." This is not the case with alcoholics who are, we hope, recovering from a disease. Only in the past two decades have we seen a decided shift in our understanding of alcoholism, from a social stigma to a complex disease.
Since your sister is only recently sober, she no doubt feels especially vulnerable to relapse. In this light, you may want to abide by her request until more time has passed or until she feels more secure in her sobriety. On the other hand, her decision is hers, as is her disease. How she handles her ultimate battle with alcohol is up to her - and not you or anyone else.
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Why was it necessary to include the word lesbian in the title? If the person who asked the question defines everything about his/her sister in terms of gayness............i wouldn't be visiting. I do feel it would be inappropriate to ask others to refrain from drinking simply because I couldn't drink. If she's that uncomfortable around drinkers, she should seek dry places until she feels more in control with her sobriety.
Utter rubbish.
If the sister does not wish to consume or be exposed to alcohol, then she should stay at home.
None of my friends or associates would dare impose their peccadilloes on me, and neither would I.
some thoughts back to you all. first, it's a real question and i think the headline reflects the nature of the question. i also think and know that alcohol issues are especially prevalent in the LGBT community -- for a variety of reasons (which i won't go into here). so in that regard, i think the question and the answer has currency.... many of us in the LGBT community have friends and lovers who have alcohol issues and don't always know the right way to approach them. as to the side note about food allergies: i didn't mean "to blow it off," but i do think too many folks use "food allergies" as an excuse for saying "i don't like that." as for people with real food allergies, of course they're real and dangerous and i have been known to make mustard-free and gluten-free dinners for that very reason. finally, as to the question: are we supposed to treat gay alcoholics different from straight one?" of course not. but, in a community that has more than its fair share of this disease, it's right to focus directly on it (in my opinion).
"i also think and know that alcohol issues are especially prevalent in the LGBT community"
Is this true? In my own life I've known far more hetero alcoholics than I have gay ones in the gay community where I live.
I think it's a matter of manners. I would never ask someone hosting me to serve or not serve this or that. I do ask in advance what they'll be serving since I suffer from a seafood allergy which could kill me if unknowingly consumed. That said, if my host was serving seafood, I'd ask if I could bring something suitable for me to eat, or eat everything but the dish that I'm allergic to.
(Side note: being someone who suffers from a severe food allergy, I take offense to your blowing off people's allergies. They're real & they're scary in many cases.)
In my opinion, the same should apply to recently recovering alcoholics. If you know alcohol will be served and you can't say no, you should excuse yourself from the event, or decline. You shouldn't force your allergies or preferences on your host.
On the flip side, as the host, if you choose to serve or not serve food or alcohol based on your guest list, that's your choice. It all depends on who you want to see and make comfortable.
I echo the bewilderment as to the melding of alcoholism and sexual orientation in this piece. What a bizarre choice.
I don't understand how the sister's sexuality has any bearing on the question. Why is it featured so prominently in both the headline and the question? Are we supposed to treat gay alcoholics different from the straight ones?
My thought exactly. One has nothing to do with the other...unless you have an agenda...
Damn, can't you cut sis some slack while she fights her demons?
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