Manners: How Do I Help Fight Prop 8 and Keep Same-Sex Marriage Legal in California?

Dear Manners:

I'm appalled at how often my theoretically aware, progressive friends get the most basic facts about our lives wrong -- like how we actually can't get married in 47 of the 50 states. When I hear, "Isn't it great? You can get married now!" I usually respond with a friendly, informative summary of what is and isn't legal. And within a few seconds, they start to tune out with that, "Oh, gawd, politics... " look. Is there a nice, spicy, uber-gay way to summarize the whole thing? Or am I doomed to knock my head on this wall for another 50 years until the rest of the 47 fall in line? -- John V., New York City

Dear John,

While you're 100 percent right about your math, you should be urging all your marriage-minded friends -- gay or straight, whether they live in California or not -- to stay focused on keeping same-sex marriage legal in the Golden State. Depending on the poll and the day of the week, California's vile Prop 8 may become statute, eliminating the right of same-sex couples to marry. If passed, Prop 8 would void the landmark decision of the California Supreme Court this past May that allowed for same-sex marriage. Like eight other states, the California constitution would be amended with a new section, stating, "Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California."

Geoff Kors, who heads up Equality California, e-mailed me this week highlighting the fact that Mormons have emerged as the leading financial contributors to the California ballot measure. He quoted a recent article in the Sacramento Bee: "Church members have donated about 40 percent of the $22.8 million raised to pass the initiative since July" and noted that "only 30,000 people have donated to the No on 8 campaign [our side] compared to the 60,000 who have donated to the other side."

The Bee story also highlighted the sacrifices being made by those in favor of Prop 8: "That's why Auburn resident David Nielson, 55, is giving... He and his wife, Susan, live on a budget. The couple donated $35,000, he said, 'because some things are worth fighting for.' The couple will forgo a vacation for the next two years and make other sacrifices to pay for their donation."

Yes, the economy is in the tank. Yes, many of us have given to the Obama campaign. But Kors' final plea makes sense to me:

"In a state with about two million LGBT people, in a country with millions more and tens of millions of straight allies, we have to get everyone to support this fight. If every LGBT person donates, we can win!"

And if you can't donate, visit the No on Prop 8 site where you can learn how to volunteer, phone bank (from your own home, no matter where you are in the country), and spread the word.

As for a quick quip for your "progressive friends," try this:

"If we had a national right to marry, you'd be absolutely right, but we don't. And even in the states where same-sex couples can marry, we are afforded no federal benefits -- no immigration rights, no social security, no tax benefits, nor any of the other more than 1,000 federal entitlements. Now, please help us save California. Give with your heart and wallet."

For now, I am reminded of what our community's great friend Armistead Maupin said to The Advocate in July:

"The [marriage] battle has largely been won, I think. The mean and tiny minds who've made it their mission to 'defend marriage' have existed in every era and have always lost. They lost when black people were given the right to vote. They lost when women were finally enfranchised. They lost when the ban on interracial marriage was lifted. And in each of these instances they claimed with a righteous certainty to have God on their side, only to be roundly defeated by the abiding decency and good sense of the American people...."

And, as my grandmother would say before every election: "Don't forget to vote!"

Visit him on the Web at www.gayandlesbianmanners.com

 

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Comments

[RayRing]

Readers may also be interested in the new issue of High Country News, a nonprofit magazine covering the American West, which has my 5,000-word analysis piece about the Mormon Church pushing California's Proposition 8 against gay marriage. The link is http://www.hcn.org/issues/40.19/prophets-and-politics ...

[WolfLady]

If by some terrible chance Prop Hate passes, immediately a prop to reverse it will be written for the next election. Then the LDS fanatics can start spending money all over again to fight it, which will only hasten their financial demise.

~WolfLady~

[NABNYC]

I completely support the right of gay couples to set up partnershi­p/marriage lifetime commitments, under whatever name is chosen. However, I think the gay movement's demand for "marriage" is strategically a stupid move, and likely to increase the opposition to the real goal.

The term "marriage" in this country has two meanings. First, a religious ceremony performed in a church and subject to private church rules and laws. Second, a civil arrangement which amounts to no more than the execution and filing of certain forms by two people indicating they consent to be married to each other, and to have that marriage governed by the laws of that state. Such as child and spousal support in the event of divorce. Such as various inheritance laws. The average citizen thinks of "marriage" in the religious context. Therefore, when they hear gay "marriage," they think the government is telling religions how they must structure their church sacraments. That's the problem.

The better approach would have been to follow the brilliant and successful path laid by Thurgood Marshall for the NAACP by attacking aspects of segregation piecemeal, chipping away brick by brick at the structure. Civil union is a good place to start. From there, a lawsuit could be filed to seek equal protection for civil union partners with respect to support obligations, or inheritance, or pensions. But start from a foundation -- civil union -- which most people do not find threatening. And work from there.

[Dave01]

As a gay man, I totally agree with your approach. It isn't necessarily the "word" that truly matters, it is the benefits that go along with the word. If it is called "civil unions" to begin with, it can then be fought through the US Supreme Court on the same basis as Board v. Brown. "Separate but equal is inherently unequal."

I also agree with another poster who stated that there will be an immediate proposition to reverse it causing the religious nutcases to continue spending their money and destroying their OWN pocketbooks simply because they don't want to grant same-sex couples the same equal (special) treatment that THEY enjoy.

On the other hand, I'm ready to start a petition to put ANOTHER amendment on the books, banning divorce with the exceptions of domestic violence and child abuse, and in those cases charges must be filed by the spouse filing for divorce. If they truly want to "protect" marriage then they are stuck with each other for life.

[westcoastsc]

Part 5

8. You shall not steal-- that is exactly what you are doing by trying to change the California constitution and trying to make people second class citizens

9. Do not bear false witness against your neighbor-- which is what people do when they say that this is the last stand for morality, or that Katrina happened because of the gays

10. Do not covet your neighbor's wife or husband-- that is what you are doing by not allowing someone to chose whom they love

Thank you. I trust you are a good person and you will follow the ten commandments.
Yours truly,
John Stephen Blyth

[westcoastsc]

Part 4

These commandments, I do believe, can be argued for equality.

2. Do not make an image or likeness of what things are like in the heaven's above-- to me this means, do not assume what God wants

3. Do not swear falsely in the name of the Lord-- who are you to say what God wants. The Bible has many places where it contradicts itself

5. Honor thy father and mother-- do this by living a good life and find only one person to bond with to cherish their union

7. Do not commit adultery-- the pressure to be part of society is so great that people again and again try to be what they are not, sometimes marrying people whom they should not be with, not only causing turmoil in oneself by trying to be something that one is not, but causing the spouse the turmoil of not understanding what is wrong. This is all too common. When a person tries to be something that he or she is not, adultery will happen, suicides as well.

[westcoastsc]

Part 3
Nobody is forcing anybody to do anything, but to accept that these people have a monogamous bond that should be cherished in the trusted institution of marriage because things will be much worse if it is not.

By not supporting marriage, what you are supporting, Sir, is fornication, low practices, lack of self-worth, cynicism, psychological problems, and even the spread of disease. You might not think that you are doing evil by trying to alienate people from the rest of society for having desires that cannot be changed, but you are. A little evil goes a long way. When you support an issue meant to deny a people equal rights, meant to alienate them from the rest of society, you, Sir, are causing ill will and with all of the problems this world is facing, we don't need any more intolerance. Gays and many straights have suffered a Holocaust like event with AIDS. What our children need are role models who love each other, treat each other well, and do not seek self-destructive behavior. Marriage is the answer. The problems that you mention about church are minimal in comparison. I hope you can face this topic, not from fear, but for love of all people and that you are able to follow the letter of the law of the Ten Commandments.

[westcoastsc]

Part 2
It is celebrated when people can feel these feelings of love for another person through marriage. It has only been recent that Loving vs. the state of Virginia struck down the laws which prevented one race from marrying another. It is a person's right not to be treated like a second class citizen. To say that one person is endorsed by society through marriage and another is not is the same as the suffering that women and people of color have suffered through in this country's history. Ellen DeGeneres recently was married and it profoundly affected her. She says it was the most important experience of her life and she is very grateful for the right to call her very important relationship a marriage just like everybody else. By denying people the right to marry whom they wish to marry, it causes a psychic trauma to people who are left out. They feel they are not loved. They feel like they have no place. They feel like they are not celebrated like everybody else. They feel they cannot associate with people as much as they should because of the judgement people might have. It ruins communication. No where in the Ten Commandments does it say anything about denying people equality. In fact, if you read them over, you would be hard pressed not to treat people as equals.

[westcoastsc]

Someone sent me a viralmessage supporting prop 8, this was my viralreply. I did not expect the positive reaction I would get from it. So, I am putting my response here in pieces.

Part 1
Dear Andy,
I have to say that I completely disagree with you about your position on this proposition. There have been many societies that have had same sex marriages in the past. All groups of people and even all animals have been shown to go that way. By not accepting somebody for his or her tastes that don't change, which they were born with, makes no sense and is tantamount of punishing people for their God given nature. You don't punish a cat for meowing.You don't punish somebody for liking beats or bananas. You don't discriminate against people to prevent them from drinking from a water fountain, or entering a club. It is very natural for someone to find a companion to live the rest of the days of one's life with.