Queeries: "Prop 8 and My Marriage"

"Prop 8 and my marriage"

Q: How do I explain to my conservative family that I have always considered my same-sex partner to be my husband - even when California's voters passed Prop 8 denying us our right to marriage - and now that the court has declared that ban unconstitutional? They seem to think that the ups and downs of the law determine how they should treat us as a couple.

A: This is a perfect example of how manners and mores trump the legal system. Because a legislature or state referendum has denied you the right to marry should have no effect whatsoever on the romantic partnership itself, nor on your family's acceptance and inclusion of your husband. And while Judge Vaughn Walker's ruling that declared Prop 8 unconstitutional is great news for the gay rights movement, it really shouldn't take a judge's word for your family to treat your husband like any other spouse. Still, the good judge has a way with words and it will be a long time before they are forgotten:

Proposition 8 fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license. Indeed the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California constitution the notion that opposite sex couples are superior to same sex couples.

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"Will you be my domestic partner?"

Q: I live in a state where gay couples can't marry and asking my girlfriend to become my domestic partner doesn't sound nearly as romantic to me as "Will you marry me?" Any thoughts on how to sex up this kind of proposal?

A: You're right, that phrase would not really make me swoon. But just because the state is denying you and your girl the freedom to marry, that's no reason to deny yourselves the pleasure of a proper proposal. Make it special and memorable, whether that means a candlelit dinner at your favorite restaurant or a weekend away at a bucolic B&B. Put a little time and effort into your proposal plans. Even if you can't legally marry in your state, you can present a ring, and you can even say, "I wish we could marry, but since we can't I hope we can be together forever. Will you have me?" The state controls the laws, not our hearts or how we express ourselves. Or, in light of the overturn of California's Prop 8, consider moving to the Golden State (although expect the decision to be appealed).

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Steven Petrow is a regular contributor to the Huffington Post and the author of "The Essential Book of Gay Manners & Etiquette" (www.gaymanners.com).

 

Follow Steven Petrow on Twitter: www.twitter.com/gaymanners

Comments

[Willow712]

02:13 PM on 08/06/2010

I can remember when I was a child, and people in my town would comment about mixed race marriages, you know , the "How can she kiss him?" that kind of stuff. And even then I remember thinking that when people love each other, they go home and close the door, and all of the outside world is gone, it is just two people together, cooking dinner, loving, arguing, cleaning, mowing, talking, planning, etc. I wasn't that detailed, but I remember thinking, "He's a Dad, and she's a Mom, so they go home and act like Moms and Dads. " When the bias and the prejudice of the outside world is gone, it is truly just two people loving each other, and its the most normal thing in the world. I believe that a lot of hetero people just haven't thought that far ahead. Perhaps the rigid right believes that it truly can't be love, because THEY wouldn't love that person. If people would realize that love is love, regardless of who YOU think should love, you can consider them "in love". And that's wonderful in this day and age. Its not who THEY think should love, but who that one person knows they should love.