Question:
My partner and I have been together for 11 years now and have been in the same cozy, one-bedroom apartment for most of them. As you can imagine, space is tight, and we've got just about everything we need, since we weren't going to wait till we could get legally married to buy our silver or dinner service. Of course, we've got the requisite blender, Cuisinart, waffle iron, quesadilla maker -- not to mention champagne flutes and crystal vases! So, now that we're planning to get married, we'd like to ask our friends and family for cash -- especially since my partner may be laid off soon. I know it's considered tacky to do so, but is there a "polite way" to let our guests know about our preference?
Answer:
No, my friend, there's no "polite" way to ask for Benjamins from your guests. (And you certainly wouldn't want Andrew Jacksons!) You're right, it's tacky to ask for cash; actually, it's not cool to ask for any kind of wedding gift. But, manners to the rescue, there is a workaround for folks in your position.
The key is simple: don't ask, but do tell. What I mean is this: let your closest friends and family members know -- and then share -- your preferences with your befuddled friends who will be asking, "What can we possibly give them? They've been together forever. They must have everything!" In turn, they can reply, "In fact, Joanie and Marge don't need anything, but they are saving for a rainy day [or a honeymoon, or a baby...]. I know they would love if you could help them."
The same answer works equally well if either of you is prompted: "Well, we have pretty much everything we need, but we're saving up for X from this store. If you'd like to contribute, then a gift card would be awesome. But more than anything, we're looking forward to seeing you."
No matter what, however, you two must maintain the pretense that you don't expect a gift from anyone. If you wouldn't ask someone outright for the quesadilla maker of your dreams (and you wouldn't, since that would be, well, cheesy), you certainly wouldn't ask them for cold, hard cash.
Still, over here on the "manners desk," I took the temperature of my trusty, snarky and usually wise Facebook friends and fans. I wanted to double check that the culture, thanks to one recession and perhaps another, hadn't done a 180 on this question, or that there isn't a special rule for gays. (I'm just kidding.) Alas for you, 100 percent of the respondents said that asking for cash was "distasteful," "tacky," and "so very not OK." I did love the ingenuity of Eliza Byard, executive director of the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network (GLSEN), who playfully suggested:
"There may be a new idea here... a Wedding Registry at your local retail bank. 'The happy couple has indicated that they would like a set of eight $100 bills ... two dozen tens... etc. etc.'"
Brilliant, Eliza!
OK, back to basics -- and reality. First off, remember that weddings are not about gifts but having your loved ones witness your union. (Thus the adage: "Your presence is our present.")
And second, gifts are never required and shouldn't be expected. They are voluntarily given as a (small or large) token of our affections. But the reality is that gift-giving is traditional (and mannerly) for anyone invited to a wedding. The registry business owes its existence to couples who want to "manage" those gifts. So your situation is a good example of why I love manners: they provide us with so many charades -- oops, I mean workarounds -- to get what we actually want.
Finally, guests, please take a hint from me. If you have friends who are planning a ceremony, step up and ask them (or their best friends) the question directly: "Is there anything in particular that you might like for a gift?" And when in doubt, it's always acceptable to give cash, a gift card, or a check -- just don't forget to pen a sweet note. And here's one last suggestion: even though Eliza Byard of GLSEN didn't mention it, I will: it's always good manners to suggest a donation be made to a favorite charity or non-profit -- especially an LGBT one.
This column originally was published on Advocate.com.
Steven Petrow is the author of the just-released Steven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners: The Definitive Guide to LGBT Life and can be found online at gaymanners.com.
Follow Steven Petrow on Twitter: www.twitter.com/gaymanners
Full disclosure: I work for www.weddingrepublic.com - and this is exactly what we do. A cash wedding registry. It's tasteful, practical and it's even kind of fun. Don't hesitate to contact me if you have any registry related questions!
Asking wedding guests for money makes them customers, not guests.
Of course couples are not out to turn their guests into customers. However, the alternative of being inundated with gifts (i.e. stuff) they don't want or need isn't a better alternative.
It's a waste of the guests time and money to purchase something that will inevitably sit on a shelf collecting dust.
The reality is that friends and family want to gift something that is meaningful for the couple. Something they really want. Since the demographics around weddings have shifted drastically over the last decade (couples are older, more established meaning they don't need traditional wedding gifts like toasters and cutlery) what is meaningful has also changed.
A cash wedding registry where you can post things like your house downpayment, honeymoon, even their favourite wine is more in line with what couples want and need.
Why buy a boxed gift for the sake of it? Wouldn't you rather contribute towards the future they're planning together?
From my perspective, I'd much rather help my friends buy their first home (or anything they need to design the kind of future they want) then a set of tea towels.
Your reply is spot on from an etiquette POV (Emily Post and Miss Manners certified), but more, it's perfect from a PERSONAL point of view. I can't count the number of weddings I have sent regrets to, simply because I did not have the means for the "expected gift". (Most couples expect at least the cost of the dinner...per person. So if someone went Bridezilla and ordered a 300 buck a person spread? Nope...not in the budget.)
I would add that even if you TRIED to be nice, the guests will feel obligated. So no...never ever ask for cash, unless you really don't want them there.
honeymoon in vegas and make it easy on your guests gift-wise to give the lucky couple casino chips.
or make it easy and interesting and request the jars of spare change everybody has at home because the happy couple is creating their wedding aisle using same.
or this: in order to avoid harm to wildlife, tossing rice will be replaced with lofting paper wads of crumpled legal tender.
one more: use a bank or better yet a pawn shop for your mystery gift registry. that way, you can cash out with a minimal service fee.
Gifts are not supposed to be "expected".
Every sensible choice sometimes flies in the face of superfluous assumptions of etiquette and social mores. Thank goodness the doers ignored the irrelevant cries of put upon horror and outrage.
Oh, and here's a trick: Pay for an open bar, then tell the bartenders to act like it's a cash bar, and split the "receipts" with them.
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1. You say you can't ask for any wedding gift....apparently you've never heard of a gift registry.
2. It's tacky to ask for cash? Perhaps you should have checked that traditionally in MANY Asian cultures as well as Italian and Eastern European, cash is given to help the young couple start off.
So before you insult a good segment of American society you may want to actually read up on the subject a bit.
The point of etiquette is not be a straight jacket...it's a way to do things without giving offense. In the current financial atmosphere, with people struggling to pay rent, student loans, or mortgages, do you REALLY want to embarrass people? The few times I have gotten a "cash only" stip in an invitation, I have skipped the event...and NOT sent a check. (Normally if I can't attend I send a check anyway...but I don't pay for rude. )
The point of etiquette is not be a straight jacket...it's a way to do things without giving offense. In the current financial atmosphere....,"
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Your comment makes no sense. If the answer was a matter of etiquette then stating that you can never ask for a particular gift means that all gift registries are tacky. A gift registry is asking for particular gifts.
Again, as for etiquette, it IS considered good manners to give money to the new couple in multiple societies that are heavily represented here in the U.S. Once again, this article is taking one specific way of doing something and saying to every other culture and society that they are tacky and wrong.
To me, your not abiding by the couples request to send cash and instead burdening them with YOUR idea on what they must have is the height of presumption and rudeness. Perhaps the LAST thing they need is another tacky picture frame or your idea of what constitutes something "Crafty" for their house. Perhaps they would prefer not to go into debt on the wedding so they could do something "Tacky" like have a child.
Miss Manners said this to a couple who wanted to wanted to direct gifts to charity or write "no gifts please":
"... there is no tasteful way -- not even any moderately decent way -- of directing present giving when you are on the receiving end. Contrary to general belief, present givign is never required. ... You must pretend that you invite people because you want to celebrate important occasions with them, and you must seem pleasantly surprised when they give you something. To act as if it is such standard payment that you can acknowledge your expectations is rude-rude-rude."
and elsewhere she wrote:
"Any suggestions from you, unless specifically requested by an individual guest, are improper. This includes a ban on stating 'No gifts' because, although less greedy than the attempt to pick one's own present, this also assumes some sort of payment is taken for granted."
I agree with you. It would be rude of ME to assume I know better what you need.