"That's So Gay" Is Not So Funny

Last week I was cruising through a Facebook friend's wall postings and came across a friend of his wearing the tackiest of holiday sweaters: a bright red schmata adorned with embroidered snowflakes and a quartet of Frosty the Snowmen. To boot, the poor fellow also wore a turtleneck emblazoned with a ring of snowflakes. "Absolutely hideous," I said to myself.

I then noticed the caption that my Facebook friend had written about this Yuletide fashion victim: "What can you say? Really, this may be the GAYest thing I've ever seen. WTF!!!" I paused and read some of the other comments: "tacky," "so manly!!!" and the like.

If you're like me, long out of high school, perhaps you didn't know that the word "gay" and the phrase "that's so gay" are now used synonymously for anything stupid, dumb, effeminate, flamboyant and, yes, hideous. In fact, "that's so gay" is one of the most prevalent homophobic slurs around these days.

What's the big deal? According to a recent Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) survey, "anti-LGBT bullying and harassment remain commonplace in America's schools" and that remarks like "that's so gay" foster a homophobic environment and worse. The GLSEN findings showed that 75 percent of high school students reported hearing remarks such as "faggot" or "dyke" frequently, with nine out of 10 often hearing "that's so gay" or "you're so gay" (meaning stupid or worthless).

I decided to ask my friend some questions. First, was his Facebook friend gay? "Of course not," he replied. I asked him if he meant to disparage gays and lesbians. "No," he replied. "Why, then, did you use that phrase?" I asked. "Because the sweater was ugly, tacky and hideous. That's so gay," was his response.

Honestly, he used the word "hideous," and while I tried to explain that gay is not a synonym for any of those words, he had had enough. Although I could see that he didn't consciously use it as an insult against LGBT people, the phrase had become a part of his generation's daily parlance, used and accepted in schools, Facebook and just about everywhere else.

Last fall, largely in response to the rising use of the slur in everyday argot, GLSEN and The Advertising Council launched a new public service announcement aimed at young people to halt the use of the expression. The campaign features actors Hilary Duff and Wanda Sykes calling out teenagers for using "gay" to mean someone is stupid. In one of the spots, Sykes says, "Don't say that something is gay when you mean that something is dumb or stupid."

Not surprisingly, the problem goes deeper than language. The GLSEN survey also found that more than a third of all LGBT students experienced physical harassment at school based on their sexual orientation and nearly a fifth had been physically assaulted at school for the same reason. LGBT high school students who experience physical harassment are twice as likely not to pursue college, and their average grade-point averages were half a grade lower than gay and lesbian students not facing the same level of hostility, no doubt because the teens who felt themselves to be at risk were five times more likely to skip school due to "safety concerns."

What to do? Even if you think it's funny or a hip turn of phrase, don't forget that "That's so gay" is hurtful. Just because it doesn't have the same bite as "fag" or "dyke" doesn't mean it's not harmful or hateful. It is. We need to stop using the word "gay" to mean dumb, stupid and worthless and to think before we speak (or post on Facebook). As Shannon Gilreath, a law professor at Wake Forest, explained to me last year, "Physical violence begins with bullying, name-calling and homophobic remarks. When nothing happens to someone [for making slurs], it escalates to violence." So, as teens say today: Don't go there.

Visit Steven Petrow on the Web at www.gayandlesbianmanners.com

 

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Comments

[carsntrucks]

I couldn't care less about this term, and I think people should stop trying to make it into something it's not.

[SILSM]

Thank you so much for this post! I have been extremely bothered by the prevalent usage of this word to refer to anything "hidious", "tacky," "stupid," "OMG I would not be caught dead in this" amongst the young crowd, and by young, I mean 4th graders -- my son personally encountered this verbal bullying at the bus stop and the perpetrator was a fellow 4th grader. I immediately wrote a letter to the teacher asking her that if we don't nip this in the bud now, how far are we going to let it go? Glad to know that I am not alone in sounding the alarm. Words like this are particularly pernicious exactly because of its seeming harmlessness. "Oh, you are a baby if you cry about it and cannot take a joke." So we learn to shut up and keep quiet. Gays and lesbians have coopted the word "queer" so that now it conveys pride in self-identification in some specific uses. Is it as a revenge by the not-so-enlightened amongst us that they are trying to turn the previously neutral and PC "label" (for lack of a better word) into a slur? What does this say about what we really feel about those who are different from the "norm" deep down, behind the door, if we allow the use of this word on the playground and in the school hallways as part of the litany of insults that our kids can hurl at each other?

[robinpeggy]

I'm not sure you're right about how it's used. When I saw my son's sixth-grade yearbook, most of his friends had written things about how gay he is. My son has always been one of the most popular kids in school -- a jock, rock musician, with more friends than time. When we talked about it, I asked if he knew what he was yet (he didn't -- today, three years later, he is hetereosexual); whether the kids were making fun of him (no, Mom, you just don't get it, it means cool). So I think it is shorthand, at least among Northern California private-school kids, for cool. Which I thought was pretty wonderful.

[ramblin jack]

Good Article but this blaming of hard times for not doing well I think also needs a look. I believe that harsh environments can yes do damage but we need not wallow in it or use it to not overcome.

[daffey]

It’s really not that big a deal. Sure, it may offend some, but there is a ton of offensive speech out there. Since the sixties, we’ve been told a mark of a free society is the ability to offend, and be offended. Since the whole “get your mind right and stop saying ‘that’s so gay’” crusade has been launched, I’ve heard the phrase used more than I had in the last ten years. I think that is the way folks have of saying, “I may be OK with gays having rights, but don’t tell me what I can or can’t think or say.” My view, deal with the fact that folks will say things we don’t like in a free society. You can inform folks of course, but like we’ve been told for the last several decades, the fact that someone can offend reminds us just how free our society really is. And that’s not bad.

[ReardonMetal]

That comment is 'Just So Daffey....'

Please....get real....

[martymartymarty]

You're missing the point. The reason you see it as "not that big a deal" is because of the dehumanization and objectification inherent in such a colloquialism. The "gay" equivalent is never to anything positive, as stated above it replaces "hideous" and "dumb" and their ilk -- this speaks of the general negativity toward being gay in our society. It reinforces the hurtful stance that the feelings of gays are somehow irrelevant and that being gay is a bad thing. While ultimately it is just indicative of lazy minds parroting slang terms, as with many slang terms, it represents something far darker than its casual usage indicates.

[daffey]

I'm not saying there couldn't be more creative ways to say things. Nor am I saying it is a good thing to offend people. Personally, I try not to. But it's part of living in a free society. Of course it is dehumanizing. There is much that is dehumanizing about a great many things said and done in our society. I wish it would stop. But until it stops for all, all must accept that it is part of living in a free society - since that is the validation for accepting the various things that are offensive to various people. When we step back and say 'woe, that is offensive to [fill in the blank], let's turn our backs on it' - no matter who was offended - then yes, phrases like this should be tossed out with the lot of them. But for now, we have spent too many decades insisting that when people (you know, certain groups, certain beliefs, certain people) are offended, they need to grow up and get over it, because that is the cost of freedom, then that is the cost of freedom. I think that is why this little crusade has met with scorn from places you wouldn't normally thing would stand against a concern from the gay community.