05/18/2012 09:21 am ET Updated Jul 18, 2012

Abe We Hardly Knew Ye

I love Republican strategists. They want to try to win the next presidential election by spreading the message that Barack Obama is a "metrosexual black Abe Lincoln."

Abe Lincoln was dirt poor, occasionally shared a bed with his buddy Joshua Speed, was really tall and roundly admired by black people.

I'm confused.

Because in attempting to stir up the next cauldron of whoop-ass against the most detested president in the right wing's time, they are betting millions on a campaign which impugns Obama with a sloppy concoction of racial and cultural triggers calculated to drive all quasi-patriotic conservative right-wingers into a frenzy of... voting against him.

This strategy has about as much chance of succeeding as Mitch O'Connell doing a surprisingly plausible rendition of Rapper's Delight.

The more bat shit the right becomes, driven to the brink of idiocy by the knowledge that The Black Man is in The White House, the klutzier they seem to get. The cartoon rhetoric emanating from the gutter blogosphere and the Sunday morning news shows, where the majority of seats are filled by conservative pols (and no doubt pungent farts) reeks of a cornered animal, desperate to spring when perceiving its survival threatened.

The joke is that Barack Obama in no way threatens them on a sociopolitical level. He has, after all, governed in a blatantly centrist way, effective even in the face of relentless right wing obstruction and arguably correct given the manifold complexities of our nation's diverse population, their interests and their needs. This president has gone out of his way to reconcile even the most repulsive extremes on the right, obviously because they are a dangerous element, stoked into prominence by a corrupt right wing media (F-F-F-Fox News) which has basically kidnapped the hearts and minds of otherwise innocent, normally sane right-leaning civilians. He has little choice. The man is not, the right's characterizations notwithstanding, a savage.

So what is the deal? What do white billionaires have against this even-more-Republican-than-past-Republican-presidents president?

It ain't really his fiscal policies, though they have gone out of their way to make people believe as much.

It certainly ain't his military activities, though they would smear his accomplishments as alternately lily-livered or unimportant. Hell, a child could have given the order to ice O.B.L.

It's not the First Lady, who has a real interest in promoting health and well-being among our nation's children through diet and exercise, though her own physique is routinely disparaged by so-called journalists and pundits in much the way a klatch of Mean Girls would snicker at a transfer student in a schoolyard.

It's not even the nuclear option of Jeremiah Wright, especially given Mitt Romney's particular religious leanings. You know, the ones that include magic underpants, lots of wives, posthumous baptisms, Jesus kicking the can somewhere in the Midwest. Stuff like that.

Gosh! If it ain't really all that, it must be something else.

Maybe the billionaire guys and GOP strategists can figure a way to get the truth out about this evil, foreign-born, socialist, fascist, satanist president, the one who's brought the country back from the brink of economic catastrophe, ended wars, gave the country the beginnings of a health care initiative, redressed the international ridicule wrought by eight years of W, saved the car industry and comported himself with intelligence and grace even as all the slop was hurled by his opponents with all the astuteness and accuracy of a pie fight in a slapstick comedy.

Accusing Obama of being a "metrosexual black Abe Lincoln" might be the GOP's first step first back toward sanity.