Czars-A-Poppin'!

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

President Bush sits at his desk. His ASSISTANT sits nearby.

BUSH
We need a War Czar. Call Dick.
ASSISTANT
The Czar Czar?
BUSH
Huh?
ASSISTANT
Right away, sir.
BUSH
(to himself)
Got to get this war thing sorted out!

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY ambles in, followed by the ASSISTANT.

BUSH (CONT'D)
Need a War Czar.
CHENEY
We're on it. Here's a list of possibles.

He hands BUSH a list.

BUSH
(reading)
Schwartzkopf. Haig. Franks. Michael Brown?
CHENEY
Don't question me, you lowly krill! Ow...

He winces.

CHENEY (CONT'D)
Accidentally shot myself in the groin this morning while hunting with my...daughter in law. Anyway, I've been talking to the Job Title Czar. He's in talks with the Outsourcing Czar to see if we can find a War Czar, while concurrently searching for candidates to fill a bunch of other posts.
BUSH
Such as?
CHENEY
Don't you take that tone with me, you little squid!

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY has a mild heart attack and collapses onto the Kittenger Executive Swivel Chair. The ASSISTANT pipes in:

ASSISTANT
Well sir, there's the Czar Czar. Not to be confused with the Tsar Czar. Or the Tsar Tsar.
BUSH
You lost me at "sir". You mean to oversee the appointment of all Czars?
ASSISTANT
That, and to also oversee the appointment of all Tsars. It's complicated.
BUSH
(slamming his fist down)
Stay the course!
ASSISTANT
Well, he's also searching for a possible Car Czar to address the ethanol situation, a Sars Czar to address the possibility of germ warfare used by terrorists, a Tar Czar to oversee everything having to do with the Navy, a Scar Czar to oversee Courtney Love's plastic surgery, an Almodóvar Czar to oversee racy Spanish films with Penelope Cruz and a Bra Czar.

BUSH, who was starting to snore, snaps to life:

BUSH
What say you? A Bra Czar? What's he do?

The ASSISTANT leans close and whispers into the President's ear.

BUSH (CONT'D)
Well I'll be.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY recovers and speaks:

CHENEY
So where do we stand so far?
ASSISTANT
Well, sir, people are beginning to question our liberal use of the word "czar".
CHENEY
Liberal! Where? Go fuck himself!

The VICE PRESIDENT develops a blood clot in his leg and falls back into the chair, unconscious. BUSH bangs his fist into his other hand.

BUSH
Continue with resolve!
ASSISTANT
Yes. Well it seems that someone looked it up in a dictionary---
BUSH
What the!
ASSISTANT
---and found that it means "emperor" or "monarch", and carries a connotation of dictatorial powers and style. Under the czar of Russia, for example, much of the population lived in poverty and were roundly exploited while the leaders of the country amassed great wealth and power and subsisted basically on a diet of corruption and abuse.

BUSH ponders this. He looks out the window toward the Washington Monument. Then:

BUSH
What time is it?
ASSISTANT
(looking at his watch)
Almost 2.

BUSH strips down to a pair of jogging shorts and a black fishnet singlet.

BUSH
Got my Muscle Czar coming. Working my lats this week. Didja know you need lats to clear brush? Can I appoint a Lat Czar?

He turns to leave, then stops.

BUSH (CONT'D)
(calling)
Door Czar!

CONDOLEEZZA RICE opens the door. BUSH does three "burpees" then runs out.

THE END