THE BLOG
06/09/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Dick Cheney: We Done Him Wrong

How to explain the utterly cracked behavior of our former VP (and avoid kicking ourselves every waking moment for having somehow allowed this man to run the country for as long as he did)?

It turns out that Dick Cheney, the legendarily infallible, mythically redoubtable Dick Cheney has actually been the victim of a nagging yet little known malady which has made his life a living hell and inadvertently caused an entire rational world to look upon him with loathing and disgust. But due to the security provided him by the unflinchingly loyal Right Wing media, his Achilles' Heel has been unknown to anyone outside the impregnable corporate/fascisto/quasi-Republican/neo-conservative fortress.

Until now.

Dick Cheney is a sufferer of Malapropus Myasthenia.

For, as it has recently been revealed, while he talks of "water boarding" with the self-assured relish and zealous commitment of Ernst Blofeld, the former Vice President has in fact been actually talking about:

Smørgasbording.

The poor misunderstood bastard.

Apparently, those enemy combatants imprisoned at Guantánamo, Abu Ghraib and various CIA black sites were not subjected to the internationally outlawed and abhorred technique involving inducing a feeling of drowning and subsequent, heart-stopping panic but rather to a buffet offering a wide variety of hot and cold meats, salads, hors d'oeuvres and those cute little squares of pumpernickel bread until they cried "uncle" or the terrorist equivalent ("Stop it, I'm full!").

How else to explain this man's consistently outré utterances? The way he's been going on lately one would have to think he, rather than the widespread assumption of his having been the puppet master who animated George "Mortimer Snerd" Bush, is himself being manipulated by an unseen hand. Is it God's. No. He wouldn't touch him with a ten foot Pole.

It's the disease. Clearly, Dick's been a victim rather than a victimizer. He was just too proud, too much of a patriot to seek help.

A malaprop (according to my trusty keyboard-worn Apple Dictionary Version 2.0.2) is a noun. But more than that even, it is "...the mistaken use of a word in place of a similar-sounding one, often used with an unintentionally amusing effect". One would have to assume that in Vice President Cheney's case that meant an enemy combatant crapping his pants and sobbing a lot without offering up any information of value to his interrogators. And as anybody with an Eastern European heritage knows, too much herring can bring anyone to that point.

While this revelation goes some distance to explain our XVP's kooky konduct, we must be vigilant, as his protectors will attempt to co-opt this revelation to perpetuate a host of other nefarious deeds.

For example, when he or anyone else ever mentions "Walling", implying that they might in fact be referring to the relatively benign interrogation technique "Walking" (which, with the advent of this recent disclosure, they would prefer us to believe) they are in fact actually referring to the practice of smashing a prisoner against a wall until said prisoner, you know, cooperates. And/or fills the holes in the wall with their dislodged skin and muscle tissue, which were extant from previous "Wallings" (a practice known to interrogators as "Spackling").

So let's cut the old bastard some slack. Or at least a tiny slice of gherkin.