Filboid Studge: A Reissue

Like Saki's least palatable breakfast cereal in the history of unpalatable breakfast cereals, several of our leading Republican contenders for Puppet-in-Chief continue to find purchase in the hearts and minds of the leadership-starved masses despite their foul smell, gritty texture and undefinable chemical aftertaste. Still, the ever credulous public stands around like a vast collection of spindly hatchlings, waiting with open beaks to be filled with regurgitated worms. Why? It's a mystery on a par with Stonehenge but not nearly as erotically charged.

"Mitt in '08" has become my punchline of choice, lobbed in at the end of conversations and never failing to get a guffaw. Looking like he placed third in a Ronald Reagan Drag-a-thon, and shivving several judges to get even that far, his genetically strapping sons each a slightly more defective generation further down the DNA helix from the original and all fitting into each other like segments of a Russian doll, the Mittster grins, furrows, squints and otherwise dances faster than a clogger with a hotfoot. He's a Front Runner®! Buy one, get the Tabernacle Choir to perform at a posthumous baptism for free!

Huckabee is the amiable "Angel On My Shoulder" chap, avuncular even as he herds gays, illegal immigrants and hairy armpitted pro-choicers into their razor wire enclosures, earnestly regaling the prisoners with rambling excerpts from "Of Pandas and People" and pausing occasionally to slip in a rudimentary base lick. I Heart Huckabee!

Rudy -- virtually indistinguishable from Max Shreck in Nosferatu (as opposed to Klaus Kinski in the Herzog version. Way too likeable) -- ladles his Islamo-fascist-bashisht credentials to his too-petrified-to-move audiences, flashing a lipless rictus and casting no reflections, figurative or literal. Strangely, he has the full endorsement of the Squeegee Guild.

McCain? Tough as a petrified wood coffee table, flinty as a civil war era barber strop, no one can deny this man has had his mettle tested in battle. The only time he caved was when the religious right put the screws to him, and he embraced his tormentors with as much brio as Patty Hearst wearing a "Stockholm or Bust" t-shirt. Not saying I wouldn't immediately fold if my pinky was threatened with being hyper-extended by a freckled schoolyard bully. I just like my bonafide war heroes to keep on keepin' on. Or something.

Fred "Huh? Wazzat...?" Thompson? Laid back as an old basset hound and I'll bet just as salivary when no one's looking, Fred's been centrally cast for the remake of Advise and Consent, ambling along the corridors of power with a soporific drawl, filling spittoon after spittoon with generous Red Man loogies. Eight years of FS will have the country in perpetual REM.

Ron Paul? Plain speaking. Trend bucking. Race baiting? "Oy", as those pesky Jews say. Such promise dashed and derailed by...himself? He was the articulate throwback to more ethical times, the hope of the Republican party for all those fed up with the pod people wearing flags on their lapels. But is he the Hope? Or the White Hope in Hope's clothing? Hell, he's reminiscent of Ross Perot, who was nuts, too, but he sure would have cleaned house. And afterward he would have had his cadre of Haitian houseboys put up red, white and blue bunting adorned with adorable Illuminati symbols tatted into the hems. Anybody know what the hell I'm talking about? I'm not even sure I do.

But it doesn't matter because it's all about brinksmanship and salesmanship, about scaring us silly then pulling back at the last moment and saying "Jeez, you okay, fella?" And we, hyperventilating and woozy, accept the drink of water from his/her outstretched claw, too weary to inquire about the toxins floating in the water or if the person offering the succor actually thinks we're just plain suckers.

It's Filboid Studge folks! Line up, lift your spoons high and say "Ahhhh!"

Comments

[Skycat]

It's too bad you forgot Duncan Hunter. If Fred Thompson was his running made, we'd have a Hunter Thompson ticket.

[floydSmoot]

Wow, a filboid studge reference. Excellent.

Maybe it's just me, but I swear if you put a pipe in Romney's mouth you end up with Bob Dobbs!

[sculptor]

A truly amazing posting Steven. Any Republicans that read it will likely, after seeing what a laughingstock their party's candidates are, switch party affiliation, hang themselves in shame or take their AK-47 and head for the nearest tower.

[antaeus]

I had a little trouble wading through that image-dense first paragraph, but I want to note that I once saw Steven Weber at Ralph's on LaBrea and Fountain, and he is even hotter in person than he is on screen.

[kellygrrrl]

like sheep to the slaughter ... the race is on to see who makes it to the cleaning table first.

and BTW, Mitten's boys are not strapping. They are frightening, with their Crusader Gaze and prolific brows. When Papa Breeder is finished with this silly campaign and he lands the Ralph Lauren Spring '08 campaign, I highly doubt we'll see any of his offspring in those Chaps ads.

[MarkJohnHunter]

"Filboid Studge" is not a helpful comment. It is not even entertaining.

Mark John Hunter

[AlphaDoc]

Love the Filboid Studge analogy, Steven. And your descriptions of the candidates were right on target, though you seemed to hold back a bit on John McCain. Rudy as Max Shreck was priceless!

[jimmj43]

There's a hazard implicant in jumping onto the "generalities" bandwagon. For my part most republican congressmen could DIAF and it'd be OK with me. On reflection, however, the same could be said of most democratic congressmen.

There is a lot to be said for the concept of 'doing your homework'. Like students, some voters, more than others, did deeper and work harder to reveal accurate information.

to wit: http://bb4.voyeurweb.com/show.cgi?tpc=361&post=2822377#POST2822377

If you absolutely insist on diving headlong into murky waters, intentionally muddied, it couldn't hurt to know what lies beneath the surface.

[Curiouser]

I just have to say that I love you Steven. I read so much about these guys that scares me. Your added wit and wisdom makes me feel good that you're on my side. And I love you for it.

Thanks so much for coming here and contributing.

[Mort]

Excellent article as usual, Steven. Loved the barber strop reference. We'd sure like to hear you skewer the Dems as well.

[Dap]

Dear Steven,

Just remember, "A spoonful of sugar helps the snakeoil go down."

Agape.

[doctormaus]

Wonderful column. It took me a minute to identify the tone he's using, something from days of yore... Sinclair Lewis' Generation of Vipers. Perfect.

[T.Roll]

I too would like to hear Steven's take on the Democratic candidates. Only don't use as many big words or obscure cultural references this time as I was never much for fancy book learning.

[ScooterLiddy]

President Fred Thompson is a scary thought. Come to think of it, any one of those suits or religious nutjobs is unbelievable as president. Oh wait a minute. Cheney or GWB is worse.

[tkunz]

Good post,
But let's be bipartisan here: Hillary - tears up regarding her trials and tribulations on a tough campaign - however hard as granite (one tough perspective Commander-in-Chief) with regards to the 4000 US Servicemen and 150,000 Iraqis that her politically-motivated vote helped condemn. Feisty critic of George Bush, yet her and hubby Bill virtually guaranteed his second term when they passed on helping the Kerry campaign in 2004.

Her vote for the War and subsequent verbal support, until the war became unpopular - followed by righteous indignation for Bush's mishandling of their war -for the sake of her primary consituency: much like the firefighters in Arizona, who set the forest fires - just to collect on the overtime.

There, now you have a balanced post.