09/08/2007 08:21 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Fred Thompson!!!

Fred Thompson for Praysident!

I seen him on TV! He's avuncular! I wanna have a malted and a bourbon with him! I dunno what he stands for but goddamn I know his face and he ain't said anything I disagree with! Hell, he ain't said anything I agree with!

He plays a tough guy lawyer! He will be tough on Osama!

I bet he hates the French! I can't stand the French! The French flag is white! Their women don't shave their armpits! Their hats are flat and they have stems on 'em! They hate me! I know it!

But Fred Thompson is like Ronald Reagan! He was a Republican! He hated commies! Fred Thompson hates commies, too, I bet! I hate commies! Russians! Hate 'em!

I like Fred Thompson! He looks tough but tender like I think I imagine I remember my daddy looking when he wasn't hitting me with a sleeve of Saltines® awake every morning before school! I would get really high and drunk the night before and then in the morning my daddy would hit me awake! And hard, too! "Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up!" he would yell with every swing of the sleeve of Saltines®! (I still sprinkle salt in my hair and lashes before I go out on a date, I tell you!). "I'm up! I'm up! I'm up! I'm up!" I would scream back! That's why I've always been a morning person! Rise and shine! Start the day! Like Fred Thompson starts his days! Daddy had to be tough! But then he was tender! I was lost! "You are lost!" he would shout! But boy did he find me! That's how I feel when I see the next praysident Fred Thompson!

He has a pretty wife! I want a pretty wife! She's blonde! I want a blonde pretty wife! I like pretty wifes!

Fred Thompson!

He will whip the hell out of Hillary! I hate Hillary! I like Rudy, too! He is a true hero! Not like those idiots who stayed in the twin towers when they got flown into by the Iraqi highjackers! Rudy lit out, fully knowing he would have to be alive later on to be Fred Thompson's Vice President!

Fred and Rudy!

Rudy and Fred!

Red Roofies!

That's what I put in Sandra Delvecchio's Purple Jesus in 9th grade! She was out like a light! It was awesome! She told on me to Daddy! He woke me up extra early the next morning! Rise and shine!

Fred Thompson! You got my vote!