Is It True Every Time You Hear an Accordion an Angel Gets Kicked in the Nuts?
As Christmas trundles onto the main stage to provide the audience with another gaudy burlesque, I am reminded that the Jesus kid, were he around today, would probably either be trying to put a stop to all the slander his good name has endured by slamming Western culture with a high profile lawsuit or else have his own line of chic yet affordable Shroud of Turin loinwear. For once again, we are treated to a holiday season which doesn't even bother to put up any pretense to its origin, opting instead to be brazen and sans irony about its true purpose: to bring Americans to a fevered, panting orgasm of consumerism.
Christmas is the Dick Cheney of holidays: it purports to be there for noble purposes but blatantly demonstrates wholly unholy ones. Why even bother pretending to be an elected servant of the people or a joyous time of reflection on the birth of a savior? Go fuck yourself to all and to all a good night.
Even though the idea of Christmas can still stir some emotion in my secular spirit I know that it's based not on the vestigial good will I may have toward my fellow citizens but on nascent hopes I entertained as a child, susceptible to such sentimental catalysts like A Charlie Brown Christmas or Miracle on 34th Street. Rather than imbue me with an optimism that was applicable in every day life, they resulted in emotions wrung out in response to these and other expertly crafted flickering fairy tales; more manipulation for marketing's sake. Kris Kringle and Charlie Brown were put upon and tortured for our sins and Macy's, Gimbel's and Snoopy had more than capably replaced the three wise men.
And yet, there is real sensual enjoyment to be gotten from the rituals associated with this time of year: the sight of a humble but gorgeously bedecked Christmas tree; the sound of snow crunching under foot on the way to midnight mass; the perfect timbre of a chorale---all of which makes your soul feel as though it's being plucked by a universal luthier. You vibrate sympathetically as though your body were answering an ancient call to participate in something bigger than could ever be imagined by the limits of religious iconography or the Made in Taiwan flimsiness of seasonal bunting.
Since the species seems for the most part to be tumbling headfirst into a cyber abyss (thanks, Facebook, for becoming the physical manifestation of six degrees of separation---how could one NOT fall into that ego-oubliette?) it is sentiment rather than intellect which remains the best hope of defining our humanity in this cold consumer culture. While reason may have failed us, or perhaps more charitably brought us to a point where actual, physical participation is no longer expected or required, our need to find our way through sweet memories of sights, sounds, tastes, touches and smells formed in our youthful, hopeful stages before we awoke to the monolithic, monetary reality of Christmas® may be our way back to a more meaningful observation of the holiday. Because with every passing moment of ersatz representations of holy days and holy men, reality becomes so much less inviting.
So why not wallow in or at least savor---if briefly---the sweetness of simplicity and celebrate Christmas within the sentimental realm of the senses? In times like these, it's the best gift money could never buy.
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I noted so many comments were from people that are not of faith, to compliment you on your disgust of a holiday that has been dummed down by the very same type of people.
Christmas is what you make of it. If you follow the heard of ignorance you will get stampeded and disgusted at it.
For once try to ignore your media, and come celebrate it with my family. We remember who it is for and make memories of speding it with our family making a point to behave like Christ even if we haven't for the rest of the year.
A Christmas opening of a movie with Hitler in it. Pass the eggnog, Ralph.
Steven, how about a Christmas with the bandoneon, Spanish for accordion, though that does not say it all: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUmhjr44hAo
I won't bother defending Christmas -- I've spent years trying to make peace with it myself -- but I will always come to the defense of the embattled accordion!
How like the non-personal, disposable Xmas presents are the thoughtless and offhanded jokes aimed at the humble squeezebox? To wit:
"I left my accordion in the back seat of my unlocked car. When I hurried back to check, there were two accordions."
And how like the dismissiveness of the 'reason for the season' is the cruel indifference to the quaint concertina, as noted here:
Riddle: If you drop an accordion and a set of bagpipes off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Answer: Who cares?
Listen, we all have to find our way out of the weeds at this time of year, and that journey is how I define this holiday.
Wishing Steven and all the wonderful writers at HuffPo a very merry one indeed!
(Question: Why do some people automatically hate the accordion?
Answer: It saves time.)
Q: What do you call perfect pitch?
A: When you throw your banjo into the dumpster and hit the accordion.
"I left my accordion in the back seat of my unlocked car. When I hurried back to check, there were two accordions." - CrimeaRiver
Thanks for the laugh. That's a new one for me.
Actually, that's how the sound of the accordion is produced. The kicking is the act of playing, not a byproduct.
Once again, a beautifl, thoughtful post. Thank you for sharing. Merry Christmas to you.
Beautifully written.
Ditto.
I'm a professional accordionist and I loved this piece! The reason Bach didn't compose for accordion was because even by the time he died in 1750 the accordion was 100 years away from being invented, even though it was invented in his country, Germany. He did compose quite a lot for the ancestor of the accordion (the organ). I bet if the accordion had been around at the time he would have dragged it into St. Thomas's and made some of his choirboy students learn to play it.
A book called "The Death of Christmas" from the 1970's describes how X-mas is for the rich to enjoy, the middle class to imitate and the poor to watch. Since I read it many years ago I've been skeptical about anything Christmas-related. I also never understood how Jesus could be a Capricorn. It's interesting how the Christmas "season" begins when the Sun is in Sagittarius, the sign of excess, religion & philosophy, but X-mas itself falls during Capricorn, the sign of big bizness, materialism & pragmatism. Get it? And the sad truth is, There Is No Escape. We'll complain about all the materialism but do the same thing over next year, and the next, and the...you get my drift.
I love the accordion.
Very funny, Steven (and all too true, I fear)..but Facebook got a "Bah, humbug" from me long ago - never used it, never will..! ;) ...
not to do you one better BUT I never heard of facebook and still do not know what it is ... is that good then?
I'm not a religious person, although I refuse to completely conceed there is no God. Atheism requires too much faith. However, I have no doubt that all religions are man made attempts at trying to explain what the hell this existance is all about.
One of my great joys this time of year, aside from friends and family, is listening to the great music that has been composed over the centuries to celebrate Christmas. You can definitely feel the passion these composers felt for their beliefs.
I will say this about Bach. If he wasn't inspired by God, I'm fully prepared to believe he actually was God come down to the Earth to have some fun tinkling the ivories, and, as far as I'm aware, not one accordion concerto in the bunch. ;)
There's very little Peace on Earth or Good WIll Towards Men these days. Xmas is more about Santa than Jesus. I don't think people need a religious birthday to be kind to one another and to exchange gifts, but watch people as they are out and about during this time of year.....people are ruder than ever....self-centered, greedy. No one smiles at anyone or even looks each other in the eyes......to busy talking on their cell phones, or texting, listening to their ipods.
As a Jewish person, I think it's a hoot how people get glassy eyed in describing holidays past, decorating the tree, the way Mom and Dad talked about Santa, the hot cocoa with the visiting relatives, what everyone did on Christmas eve, the cookies baked, the socks hung up. Of course they never mention the Christian religion or Jesus, who apparently was born in September. But I guess if you grow up with this fairy tale you have to reinforce it with "memories" or it will fade in the light of the reality that this was a Jew preaching to other Jews, who spoke many words of wisdom, and was one in a long line of men claiming to be spreading the word of God and who might possibly be the Messiah.
A bit of a superiority complex, Buzz? Personally, I'm not religious at all, and don't get into the whole Christmas celebration thing, but I think it's nice (rather than a "hoot") that many people have fond memories of Christmas celebrations past--the joys, the wonders and comforts associated with the season, secular though they may be. Nothing wrong with a little "glassy eyed" reflection on the warmth of growing up with a "fairy tale," and many of the Christians I know also celebrate the date as one they believe was the birth of their savior. Incidentally, the latest research I've heard indicates that date was mostly likely in June.
Steve, I'm a massive fan of yours. Your portrayal of a father desperately clinging to sanity and his son's love in the face of the madness of addiction, managed to really get to me. Therefore, in appreciation, I offer you this simple holiday advice, my suggestion is to take something from one of your beloved roles other than homicidal lunacy. The simplicity of familial love. My wife and I this year (after two years of growing steadily poorer due to lay-offs, etc.) are resigned to making gifts. I can honestly say this may be the best Christmas of my life. Last year, out of desperation, I took a job with a family to work with their autistic son through a program called Sonrise. It changed me. I've already started work at a school for autism. I'm also devoting more to charities, thinking about what I purchase and its worldy effects, and coming to the understanding that if I REALLY want to be a (c)hristian, it isn't about my "(G)od" beats your "(g)od." It's about putting others first. Getting my hands in regardless of cost-- even to my secure, little suburban life. If we want to celebrate what Christmas was really supposed to be about we need to look at "I am the way the truth and the life. No one shall come to the Father except through me, " through THAT lens. Instead of congratulating ourselves on our divine superiority with a gavel and a credit card.
Christmas is schlocky and hypocritical. it is also a great deal of fun. I just went to a Christmas party at my adult community rec center. Just taking in the horrid sweaters and ties was worth it.
Keep in mind that people have been complaining about Christmas since at least the 50's. Stan Freburg's classic "Green Christmas" is an example. Up until about 1942, there were no secular Christmas songs other than "Jingle Bells" which is a Winter Solstice song, really, as are many "Christmas" songs. I don't think Christmas is getting worse in any way. It evolved after WWII to what it is today. Now, it just IS.
Also keep in mind that we celebrate Christmas when we do because the early Church fathers were trying to displace pagan Solstice festivals. They did a wonderful job, too, given that most of the Christmas trappings -- the tree, the holly, the lights, etc., are right out of northern European paganism. (I'm told that shepherds only watch their flocks by night in Palestine during the lambing season in the spring.)
Sigh. O.K. O.K. try a different holiday to celebrate the season, may I suggest that you try Festivus. You've already started "the airing of grievances" and "feats of strength" (albeit intellectual). Put up the Festivus pole and do whatever comes naturally to you and the angels and poles (not the Eastern European kind). My guess is you won't be satisfied, but hey... anything is better than wallowing in your own intellectual thiggy pudding as a substitute for a little holiday cheer. Really man, less thinking and more eggnog - at least until your New Years rant.
Happy Festivus
It is...for the rest of us!
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