Land of the Free, Home of the Tall

Americans are no longer the tallest people on the planet. The Dutch now hold that distinction.

Are we going to allow those noodle-scarfing dike-pluggers to take our hard fought title and do nothing?

In spite of the average tallness of our founding fathers being somewhat in the middling vicinity of 5' 9" in heels (Thomas Jefferson's legendary nosebleed-inducing stature notwithstanding), Americans have always prided themselves in their primacy over every other culture, particularly in the area of physical endowment, whether it be measured in breast girth, groin heft or height. And when a periwig was added, one's altitude could increase by up to 26 inches, depending upon the the style and ferocity of the coiffeur's tease. Adding a periwig to the groin, however, was just seen as idiotic, although it did give way to the short lived craze of sporting a so-called "elevator crotch," very popular with silversmiths, anchorites and bed-warmer salesmen.

Height, as all things American, is but one expression of our genetic superiority over lesser cultures. In the current era when American supremacy is being challenged on all sides by insidiously stumpy enemies who want nothing more than to prune our way of life, it is incumbent upon us to take back that which is deservedly ours.

Shall we be slaves to Dutch masters? Or shall we assert our God given right to tower over all, to look down on their scurf-ridden pates, to bask in the glory of having others crane their spindly, foreign necks up at us and say "There go those Americans still being tall! Kill them!"? For if we do not, then when any American anywhere in any theme park in the world elbows his or her way to the front of the line to board the Screaming Cobra or the Wild Mouse or the Crying Clam but is denied access for not meeting the red-lined height requirement, let the moon turn to blood and the streets turn to gelatin. We will take unilateral action against you. We will prevail with resolve. Americans stand tall or they don't stand at all.

So watch out, you Dutch fuckfaces and anyone else who seeks to wear the moniker of Tallest. Your inches are numbered.