10/30/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Play Bail!

Wow! That was close. And we were almost saved, too. I wonder what's happening inside those hallowed chambers of wisdom and humility.

Psst. C'mere. Still laboring under the delusion that this country operates on the principles of Democracy? Repeat after me: Owa... ta-shmah... kyam. Now repeat that faster and faster. I'll be right back.

So the "bailout"'s gonna pass eventually -- you wait and see -- and the country's worst economic nightmare since the Great Depression will have been avoided, like the narrow misses so often seen in low-brow blockbusters featuring meteors and asteroids and hemorrhoids streaking from the heavens on a trajectory to obliterate mankind who, using its vast stores of imagination, hope and just plain moxie, manage to stave off extinction.

You know, just like George Bush did with Iraq and now with the bailout.

And we did it without implementing any of those despised Russkie Socialist things like the WPA, AAA, FDIC, CCC and all those other acronyms that, while it grounded the economy and brought out the true spirit behind this country's greatness, would just befuddle the masses today. We did it with good old American capitalism! All it needed was a $700 billion dollar finger in the dike! Praise Money!

It's as if the American public needs desperately to kick its own ass. Clearly it feels guilty for having squandered its promise of freedom and Democracy by having been suckered into electing bullshitters who sold our hopes out to corporate interests in virtually every area of endeavor. Or maybe its decades of cracked puritanical ethics and repressed sexuality combined with our latent British proclivities that inevitably lead to the sublimation of our shame by bending over for a good old rogering courtesy of a pissed upperclassman: "I've been bad. Reeal bad...". And George Bush and his hand-wringing minions want this reaal bad, too. So you know it's gonna be quite a haul. Once again, Hosannah! Praise Money!.

This most recent parlour game's almost finished. Next stage: how about them voting machines?

Diebold's "Two-Minute Warning" timeout feature which kicks voters off if they don't decide who they want for Fearless Leader in the same time BushCo wants us to approve the bailout plan -- hurry up or die!!!!! -- is only one feature calculated to drive people away or generally futz with your vote to the point where it won't count.

From the decision not to use cameras in a district infamous for its voting irregularities to more and more hackable, tamperable machinery, to the overseeing of vote counts outsourced to the very companies that manufacture the electronic machines themselves, the apparatus is in place to provide yet another staged nail-biter of an outcome, courtesy of partisan produced machinery which drops and/or changes votes and steals elections.

And once again, with the scary and still not-completely-understandable electoral college hovering in the wings (can't wait for those Quadrennial College Explanation News Segments) the possibility for results which will confound rather than confirm looms.

Really, to understand the whole thing, to avoid the utter waste of time parsing the possible reasons why any of the attempts at governance under this administration have failed so miserably, so detrimentally (or to avoid the time wasted listening to pundits and experts on television blab until their CV's yellow and curl), just substitute the word "company" every time you hear "government" and it will all become clear. The dense thicket will fall away as though doused with Agent Orange and you will begin to fathom the whats and the whys of this 8 year scam. Use this like kids use to use "Winky Dink" back in the days before imagination became automated.

So, sit back, have fun, text each other or something else that requires no thought, no action and no involvement in the outside world. And I'll see you on the other side (heaven, hell, the astral plain, Mexico, Iceland).

PS -- and a shout out to Vice President Cheney for all his high profile leadership and courageous words of support during this perilous time.