THE BLOG

Splitsville

03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

One of the most inspiring things a modern leader has, in my opinion, ever said was when president John F. Kennedy famously stated "We all inhabit this small planet, we all breathe the same air, we all cherish our children's future, and we are all mortal."

If, however, that statement were to be reworked by certain people of a certain political persuasion, that statement might continue: "Except the poor, the brown, the foreigners and any other douchebags who don't agree with us."

It's all well and good to approach current events from an evenhanded perspective. But it's not enough to say as much when the information disseminated under the rubric "fair and balanced" is both unjust and biased. ("Fair and Balanced" -- a phrase which has lost as much meaning as the quaint descriptive "gay" has gained). Saying something louder than anyone else doesn't make it true (except when Regis Philbin does it).

Avowed liberals consider themselves to be loyal to the truth while die-hard conservatives seem only to be loyal. Somewhere in the middle lies the perfect American.

But like the seminal grade B monster movie The Manster (early 1960s, black and white, nightmarish) in which a mad scientist injects some crap into a guy who then literally splits into two warring sides of his own personality, our nation, having sustained constant injections of dumbed down media and high-tech distraction has eschewed sanity, morality and common sense and, yes, is splitting apart.

Let's look at these two divided elements, shall we?

One of them believes that their way is the only way. It's kind of like the Alamo, where a shrinking minority under siege from the inescapable and somewhat inconvenient truths being hurled at them from a world tired of unilateral neo-con poppycock turn into kamikaze conservatives and have no compunction about protecting their treasured ideology by using human beings as sandbags.

The other of the divided elements takes a gentler approach to life's problems, seeking to ameliorate them in ways that, while attractive to anyone in possession of basic human compassion, are rarely practical. They tend to bicker, to lose focus, to be betrayed by the very characteristics which would distinguish them above their more vitriolic opponents: introspection, patience, open-mindedness.

In other words, they are ineffective milquetoasts and their disorganized and scattered approach causes thick layers of impenetrable waxy yellow buildup to accrue which then necessitates more money being spent to chip it away which inflames the other element which hates to spend money for anything other than plasma TV's, pistol cross-bows and ceramic figurines of braided milkmaids.

So complicated and entangled has the business of governance become that it would take a civil confrontation mutually assuring the other's destruction to cleanse the body politic of its toxicities which led to its destruction in the first place.

Shall I continue? Try and stop me!

Is this split man-made or a product of intelligent design? If it's man-made then evolution dictates humankind's inevitable demise will ironically come as a result of its own unrestrained intelligence. Inevitability and Irony live together in perfect harmony.

If it's intelligent design then The Man Upstairs clearly has a sick sense of humor, having created humankind as a way to alleviate a god's boredom. We might actually hear, moments before Armageddon: "Thou art punked. Psyche!!!"

Either way, it's looking more and more like Splitsville will be the last stop for this little experiment in democracy. That is unless we get our shit ... together.