Trouble

Trouble, the "Rich Bitch" is no longer tethered at the end of her lizard-skin leash. When Leona "I'll Fix You!" Helmsley entered the Eternity Suite, Trouble (and her lawyer) looked on. "Thank fuck", they sighed.

Then it began.

Almost immediately Trouble was seen around town, still for all intents and purposes in mourning (the black bow in her upper tuft being constantly tended to for coming loose as she wept and trotted) to reconnoiter with her various well known companions: Paris Hilton's shaved pussy Fred, Nicole Ritchie's desiccated beef jerky remains Phoebe, Nan Kempner's ferret Nat Turner and Jerry Zipkin (deceased but still a fine companion). Sporting piercings on all but two of her many nipples, Trouble seemed to be conspicuously trouble-free as she went on a post-Leona pub crawl that would put Linday Lohan's plastic panties full of sea monkeys (all named Ralph pronounced rayfe) to shame.

The society pages were scandalized as reports of all night kibble pigouts culminating in full scale auto-lingere filled the columns, keeping New Yorkers simultaneously mesmerized and revolted.

What is it about the media's propensity to build a pet up and then tear a pet down?

Is it a case of living vicariously through the charmed life led by a cajoled canine who lived in luxury and lapped lusciously at the diamond-encrusted demi-god (demi-dog?) vittle vat? And then suddenly detesting the domesticated Dandie Dinmont out of pure green-eyed and blue-balled envy? Surely, even the rarified existence of one of The Big Ashtray's most infamous denizens would inspire some sympathy, despite the years of unrepentant defecations all over the city's world famous thoroughfares and landmarks, unifying Gotham's grid into a League if Urinations in which all New Yorkers were its unwilling delegates. How many times have we found ourselves skidding in shallow, amber puddles of pee, only to look heavenward and cry "I smell Trouble!"?

And yet, Trouble is just a dog. Trouble by name and by nature. An old, dumb dog what's been seduced into thinking it is more. Even pets, it seems, are saps. Just look at its so un-dog-esque behavior? How could Trouble not act out after years of living opulently in the Taj MaWoof, leaping and rolling to the short, sharp shrieking commands of the Dark Empress? Who knows what she was witness to and how much she had to choke back when all she wanted to do was bark "Foul!"?

So let the dog have its day. What's 12 million dollars if it means she can exorcise the demons of her imprisonment? "Money, shmoney!" as Leona used to say while using Trouble as a living Swiffer™ to mop up spilled caviar, Crystal...and, yes, the blood of the concierges who, let us say, failed to properly recommend the best the city had to offer.

So let us not do unto Trouble what we have done unto other equally troubled trouble makers, desperately trying to cleanse themselves of the demon Abundance. Because as Cat Stevens sings:

Trouble
Oh trouble move from me
I have paid my debt
Now won't you leave me in misery

Trouble is miserable. Can't you see?

Comments

[ImmanuelGoldstein]

The answer to the original question is the same for 'Trouble' as it is for Paris Hilton and all the other celebrities both real and manufactured.

Just like our industrial economy is addicted to the continuous consumption of physical resources our media economy is addicted to the continuous manufacturing and consumption of celebrity resources.

If everybody in America does'nt have at least 3 credit cards maxed out at all times then consumer spending collapses people up and down the food chain loose their jobs, spending collapses even more the the whole positive feedback loop will eventually brind the whole thing grinding to a halt.

The increasing capabilities of our industrial technology keeps increasing the volume of goods necessary to be consumed to keep it all going. Likewise our expanding media technologie makes it necessary to keep manufacturing and consuming more celebrities to keep IT going. Ever more cable channels, tabloids, celebrity magazine and now the internet.

If this didn't happen then all those paparazzi, talking heads, celebrity profile writers, commentators and so on are out of as job. Not to mention all the massive ecology of executives, camera operators, makeup daubers, script writers, set builders, sound men and all the rest.

If THEY are out of the job then that whole positive feedback loop I mentioned earlier starts. Naturally nobody wants THAT.

So keep obsessing over Trouble, and Paris, and Britney and Brangelia folks. Our economy depends on it!

[kellygrrrl]

Maybe Trouble should hookup with Murdoch's dog. It's looking like that will be the only loved-one he has left in his will, as well

[jackjett]

Those gals are as big of an embarrassment to Hollywood as George Bush is to Texas and it is the media that eat all of them up and let them get away with murder.

Idiots and drunk sluts are a dime a dozen.


Jack Jett

[Spiddy]

I read your book "The Success of Open Source." Great work. You should write more about that.

[Tennwoman]

I plead guilty to dog adoration and I'm not the least bit ashamed of it. Empty nesters, my husband and I love, dote on, entertain and are entertained by a 10 lb. puff of a poodle. We are convinced our canine son is the smartest dog to ever grace the earth. That said, our precious pup cannot wield a pen, is refused access to our attorney and, should he survive us, will be sent to live with his human sister. If she wants to share her modest inheritance, it will be up to her. The dog has no say in the matter. We may be dog crazy but we are not, like Helmsley, crazy mean.
Why is everyone picking on Trouble? I've already established we have the smartest pooch in the universe so, I'm dead certain that if our Peri can't write a will, there's no way Trouble did. Though I can't help but wonder which lawyer will get stuck with the little ankle biter and the cache of cash.

[kellygrrrl]

of course Trouble was the most intimate relationship this woman had. She was an absolute horror as a human being.
It's not the dog's fault. He hardly had a choice.
(it would have been interesting to see which way he would have gone if he did have the choice.)
Hasn't Tinkerbell run away from Paris several times.
Don't hate on the DOG, Stephen.
That's like the people who hate all Americans because Bush is our President.

[pmprescott]

Why take out the negative feelings for the owner on the dog? It was her money and she did with it what she wanted, that should be the end of the story.

[thomastryon]

The attitude that only some species of animals or only humans should be viewed as sentient is the prevailing attitude in society that allows a Michael Vick to surface. We treat other sentient beings as lesser than the mighty human. Our cognitive dissonance allows some enslaved beings we call "pets" to live lives of excess, while others are eaten, vivisected, and abused for human entertainment.
I am sure Leona would be horrified at what Vick did, but that did not stop her from indulging in flesh foods where the abuse is pervasive. Mr. Weber,as for the intelligence of other species, I suggest you read a book on Cognitive Ethology.

[frost]

.

and still.. that tiny stupid dog.. is smarter than George W. Bush..
.

[Writerchick]

You shouldn't insult an innocent dog by mentioning "W" in the same sentence. GRRRR.

[InofTouch]

Didn't we just get back to loving dogs thanks to Michael Vick and now where hating on them cause apprently one is rich....love the dog but when it has money...?:(

[richw23]

Yeah, well, I've always hated Leona Helmsley based on her press. But it appears that out of however many billions she has she's left about 112 million to indiviuals, and the rest goes to charity. I rant constantly about massive amounts of money being tied up by families for generations, so assuming it's true so much went to charity, I apologize for everything I ever said about her.

Stephen, buddy, you're becoming incoherent in a James Joyce kind of way.

[LittleBrother]

I started to read this intriguing article, but it proved to be too much Trouble.

[kittycago]

by the way does it strike you as odd that Trouble has a porblem with little people ?Trouble bites the staff is it any wonder Leona loved this dog ?

[Writerchick]

First off, my comment was to
yourtalkingtoyourself and not to Steve. Also want to correct the typo "THEIR" (not "theer"). Am exhausted...was up till a million o'clock and had to read Steve's post before starting my real/pretend life.

Okay....bark on!

[MidwestMomma]

"Been there! Done that!" Woof! Woof!

Pets "are" good for people, especially lonely people which includes all of us from time to time. It all comes down to persepective! Excess is guaranteed to degrade the good into out of control, at the very least.

[john austin]

love the Cat Stevens reference great to start the day with his songs in my head ....thanks