When the People Are Wrong -- A Son's Defense of His Father's Gay Marriage

My mother flew 2,000 miles to be at my father's gay wedding. Twenty years ago she was just "his poor wife" to the gossips in our Louisiana hometown, and I was "their poor son." We lost a lot when my father came out of the closet: a business, a home, a church, a social standing -- the only thing we didn't lose was each other.

A few years ago, my father and his partner of 13 years got married in Portland, Oregon. But then groups were formed, fears were stoked, and six months after their courthouse vows, they received a letter reading: Dear Messrs. Carter and Martin, We regret to inform you that your marriage is no longer valid. Enclosed is a refund of all license fees. It became more of a family joke than a family disappointment, because laughter is sometimes the strongest form of defiance.

When California legalized gay marriage, my father and his husband planned a marriage here, hoping it would last longer than the six months of their Oregon attempt. They arranged for an intimate ceremony at a small hotel in the Sonoma Valley wine country. It was the first gay marriage that the officiant had ever performed, and what surprised him most about it was that my mother had come all the way from Texas to be there, and that I -- the straight son -- was as proud as I was to do a reading at the ceremony. To us it was no big deal; we learned years ago that if you don't know how to love around your differences, then you don't really know how to love. But the veteran officiant, a man who spends his life bearing witness to love, had never seen anything like it. He recognized that it wasn't just about the two gay men, but also about a family. And it was not about celebrating homosexuality as much as it was just about celebrating love.

Now "the people" of California have decided that the structure of my family is a threat to their children, to their lifestyle, to the sanctity of marriage, or to some combination of them all. The political arguments supporting gay marriage have been made by people who can make them far better than I can. And still, the opposition may never change their minds. But their children will, and if not them then their grandchildren. Because the seeds of their defeat are not the gays and lesbians lining up at the courthouses; the seeds of their defeat are the same as with any other civil rights issue in history -- truth and time.

If my mother and I can support the marriage of a man whose sexuality threw her life off course and jarred me into adulthood, then how is it that perfect strangers won't even do my father the courtesy of not going out of their way just to stand in his?

Comments

[johnbdonovan]

For every guy like you who has adjusted to this kind of thing there are a thousand prison inmates whose problems started because they had no father to guide and restrain them.

[swoosie1]

After 20 years in a committed lesbian relationship, I'm still surprised at the people who know and love me and my partner, but will not budge on the gay marriage issue. They are loving people with kind hearts and giving natures, they help us, we help them. They love us and we love them. They have us over to dinner and reciprocate. But, and I say this with regret and anger, they do not feel we deserve to be married. Our committed relationship is not worthy in their eyes of sanctity. We are second class. And those of us who did not marry in the small window of time we had this year are now third-class. The people I speak of, our neighbors are religious, with all the divorces they have had, the family issues, the gay children of their own and so on, but they will not give on this issue. So in my experience, we must move away from the hearts and minds concept of acceptance and maneuver towards a court decreed law that can make this issue go away permanently. Let us march this to the supreme court of the land and yes, over the years it takes us to get there, let us love openly and lovingly and out in the open. Have faith, our time will come.

[BeninOakland]

I feel your regret and pain. At the same time, if you have been working on these people for 20 years, and they still see you as less than they are, not worthy, not good.

I don't know you or them. But it sounds like you are enabling them. Maybe you should just give up, and let them know that if they cannot see you as full memebrs of the human family, then maybe it is best that you part ways. They love you as much as they can, but they obviously don't love you very much.

There are people whom we can never reach, because they are irretrievably poisoned by hate, or fear, or stupidity, or religion, or the little voices in their heads that say "You like that, don't you." After a point, it becomes a drain.

There is a point in Torch Song Trilogy here Arnold tells his mother that the only thing he expects from people in his life is love and respect, and if she cannot give him that, then she doesn't belong in his life.

Something to think about.

[scottdavene]

Although, I personally am so far to the left, that even the even the democrats appear to me to be "right-wing," I consider myself to be a strict constitutionalist. It is my opinion that since its inception there has been an organized and systematic assault by the conservatives in the United States on the civil liberties written into the US Constitution. The “War on Drugs”; “War on Terror”; “War on Communism” and a host of other wars waged by the right wing are really nothing more than a War on People--an excuse to erode civil rights to the point of non-existence. I invite you to my website devoted to raising awareness on this puritan attack on freedom: http://freethegods.blogspot.com/

[kjstjohn]

A gay man changed the soul of my Georgia church--which for about 80 years had been a Southern Baptist Church. He came to the church as an openly gay man with no intention of being anything else. Over the course of years, he brought about a transformation of the congregation.

His family had abandonned him and the church became his family; when he caught AIDS, the church members cared for him until he died.

The church wrote a covenant that there would be no distinction among members based on sexual orientation. Later, when an openly gay man asked the church to ordain him, the church said yes. The church was thrown out of every convention and society in the country, state, and city.

There are now dozens of gay couples in our church, with and without children. Some people ask how we could possibly sanction this when the Bible clearly states that being gay is a sin. We answer that gay people taught us that God's overriding message in the Bible and in all facets of our lives is love.

[Willow712]

I am always confused when the bigots claim "gay marriage will damage the stability of hetero marriage." HUH? I think that if we have marriage equality, everyone will be the winner. Because allowing marriage equality helps create stability. These people are making homes and families, these are not bath house guys. They work, take care of their families, wash the car, mow the lawn, etc. Yet the bigoted right says it will harm marriage to allow it;.

I have three grandchildren (two are boys), that have an Uncle that is in a committed gay relationship. How hard was it to explain? Easy. They love each other, and so they live together. Kids love to go to their house to visit, nobody thinks anything about it.

[sherrybb]

What a wonderful and heartwarming story. Folks like colden rainey and Son of Liberty will never be persuaded, regardless of any facts. Fortunately, the youth of today overwhelming feel it absurd that gays can not marry. For all you prop 8 supporters, ( a large portion of which were mormons) I say to you. What if someday, some people decide that your mormonism is a problem, and they decide to take a vote to take away one or many of your rights.? The reason the people should not be allowed to vote on denying rights to someone is they frequently get it wrong! Think back on voting rights of blacks or women, interracial marriage and more. People are afraid( some are simply bigots), that their own marriage can not handle it if 2 other people who love each other are married. 50% of marriages already fail, folks can get married 7, 8 times, yet marriage is going to fall apart if those gays can marry. And don't even start quoting the bible unless you are going to quote all of it> You also should wonder why Jesus Himself never, not once mentioned homosexuality. If it was such a big deal, why didn't He talk about it.? Folks, gay people and gay families are here to stay. There are so many serious problems today, and you want to fight over 2 people who love each other, and want their children to have the same protections that yours do. How sad.

[JuliaRain]

Bravo! Thank you!

[kjstjohn]

The only people that Jesus judged harshly were the self-righteously pious and the wealthy who stepped over the poor.

This has scary implications for American Christians so they look to a paragraph in Paul (whom Christians believe was not as authoritative as Jesus) and to the Old Testament purity laws (which Christians do not follow) in order to divert their attention from the two things in their lives that they need to be most concerned about.

[PlaceboStudman]

Here's a question for all of you God and Jesus cult members...

Why are there absolutely NO, NONE, ZIP, ZERO references to Jesus, Mary, any of the apostles, or in fact any of supposedly historical figures mentioned in the bible, outside of the bible, that don't refer back to the bible??

I repeat that...NON­E, ZERO, ZIP references in the historical record outside of the bible itself, or any book of propoganda that refers back to the bible

The same goes for every religion as well, but we all know that you Christians only ever care about Jesus and Company LLC

[SelenicMagick]

One needs must "take it on faith" that he existed... even though there's no historical reference to him outside of the bible, no physical evidence that he existed and absolutely no PROOF of any type that he existed...

OTHER than that redundant religious fairy tale that they worship.

[PlaceboStudman]

Yep. Santa Claus, the easter bunny, The tooth fairy, Batman, Spiderman, Superman, and Jesus....

[erinker]

I am an adult child of a gay man, and my father had a commitment ceremony with his partner when I was a teenager. A few years later, my father dided after a 10 year battle with HIV. Alex (my father's partner) bathed him, fed him, even emptied bed pans. The love and commitment in their marriage, though not legal, was stronger than I had seen in any straight relationship.

Now, 14 years later, Alex is as much a part of our life as he always was. I introduce him as my step-dad, and my nieces and nephews call him "Papa Alex". He and my mother couldn't be closer. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I loved reading this story. It makes me more and more convinced that adult children of LBGT people need to band together and fight these ridiculous arguments that suggest that homosexuality confuses children or is any any way detrimental to them. How 'bout it, Stinson?!

[JuliaRain]

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing this.

[tc2598]

Yes, it's great to see thoughtful and positive posts.

I've always thought the idea that homosexuality is somehow confusing to children is weird. I explained it to my kids long ago in about five minutes. The key is, not to click on a red light bulb, eerie music, and not to make horrified faces while you talk.

Something along the lines of, everyone is different and that's a beautiful thing.

My family supports you, and Stinson, and the countless others fighting with you. Thanks again.

[erinker]

I learned a lot from having the father I did. Lessons I would not have learned otherwise. The most important lesson I learned is that everyone's reality is different, but what is real is exactly the same for all of us. In other words, the places we live, the people we love, the challenges we face on a daily basis...th­ese are things that are different for all of us. But what is real - love, family, faith, happiness - these are things that are exactly the same, no matter who you are. We all want to be loved and valued. That's what it all comes down to.

[dm10003]

adult children of gays should get together and write a book using this as an example. then the book should be in every public, senior center, and church library.

[Gidster]

Until a religious zealot reads it, decries it, and has it banned and burned as a tool of the devil.....

There is a book, I did not know about it until my 9 year old brought it home from the library, "Generous Jefferson Bartleby Jo", spelled it out fairly elegantly if not cloyingly, and in language my daughter could understand.

Of course it is on the list of books several church groups want banned from all school and public libraries.

[BlueZoo]

People, I am 64 years old and can tell you life is way too short to waste time on hating someone because they are simply different than you are! Love is the answer to most of life's problems and, for all of you religious bigots, Jesus' cardinal rule was to "Love your neighbor as you do yourself!" That means your black neighbor, your Muslim neighbor AND your gay neighbor!

[josephRoehl]

Families come in all shapes and sizes, congratulations to you and yours for your commitment to Freedom and dignity. Science has already shown that NO OTHER SPECIES attack their own gays and gay pairbonds. The reason that this is not well known is due to the intentional propaganda campaign against science valorization there of late.

There should be ONE STANDARD on Earth, and it should be visible from America to the whole world : THE LIGHT OF FREEDOM BELONGS TO EACH AND EVERY HUMAN BEING and NO Group nor person SHALL IMPOSE HIS DICTATES on any OTHER PERSON W/out their consent and children should not be indoctrinated by any religious authority, but be taught about the history of the struggle for equality and individual freedom for everyone and build a truly UNITED nation.

Come on America, send the neonazis packing...­let's stop giving taxfree status and propaganda rights to those intentionally setting the fires of iniquity. Time to account for the past crimes, make criminals at the top pay from politics to religious institutions, and then let's live up to our Bill of Rights and the UN Universal Declaration of Human Rights...a­fter all, our ancestors made them!

[katermc]

This is a nice piece. Thanks.

[carsntrucks]

"If my mother and I can support the marriage of a man whose sexuality threw her life off course and jarred me into adulthood, then how is it that perfect strangers won't even do my father the courtesy of not going out of their way just to stand in his? "

Why should we care about your father's marriage? You and your mother do because this is someone close to you and you love him enough, I'm assuming, to just want him to be happy.

[bolivare]

Thats the point he is basically making. It really is no one elses business. But there a lot of people who feel awfully comfortable telling others what they should do don't you think?

[carsntrucks]

No one is telling his father and his partner not to be together. But if he feels he deserves a hand-out for being in a relationship, that is kind of other people's business.

[erinker]

You shouldn't! That's the point! You shouldn't care one lick whether he marries a man or a woman! So why do you???

[carsntrucks]

And I don't.

[Gidster]

I know you carsntrucks, where you looking for something to throw Bible verses at?

[carsntrucks]

It never ceases to amaze me that the non-religious invoke religion more than the religious.

[josephRoehl]

May the angels always be there for you and your family Stinson ))
Love comes in all shapes and sizes and colors and orientations.
As gays can now proudly proclaim: "humans are the only species that abuse their gay pairbonds". Gay pairbonding exists throughout nature, and just as the world is not flat and the Earth is not the center of the universe, very soon science will once again trump dogma.
Best wishes to you always.

[wietog]

You actually GAINED a lot when your dad came out. Honesty. Only true friends stuck by you. And your family became closer. My parents didn't have such issues, but divorced bitterly never to see each other again. I am amazed that your mother was so supportive, but then, true love really is wanting the best for someone else.

And isn't that the core issue? If we truly love each other, wouldn't we want to let everyone be as happy as they can be?

The only downside to gay marriage is that some Xtians will have to deal with reconciling what they know to be right with what they think they understand from the church.

[dm10003]

i'm convinced that marrying the wrong one due to coming out will be seen as not unsimilar to marrying the wrong one for the more common financial, love, or personality reasons.