Cupid's WMD

11/27/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Hey Joe the Plumber, have I got a girl for you! She's young, a republican, desperately seeks the limelight and lies, so you two should have a lot in common! Her name is Ashley Todd. She enjoys long walks at night, applying makeup, carving initials into her cheeks and Guitar Hero. She's also interested in current events and looooves John McCain, so the two of you will have a lot to talk about while you study for your plumber's license. (That is, if you're still interested in being a plumber.)

I know there's going to be an empty void in your life after Election Day when everybody forgets about you and you slink back into your world of tax dodging anonymity. Why not have someone to share it with? And if things go well, I think there is going to be a certain governor up in Alaska who would love to perform the wedding ceremony for a couple like you who I'm sure share her family values.

So c'mon, Joe! Give her a call. I'll betcha you can reach someone who knows her through the McCain Western Pennsylvania campaign headquarters or the Women's House of Detention in Pittsburgh. A girl like this comes along once in a lifetime. Since you've lost your credibility, dignity and your name has become the punch line for a national joke, what have you got to lose?