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Being Gay: It's Who I Am
The most common criticism of the gay movement by straight people has been that it makes a public issue out of something that ought to remain private. "I don't have any problem with gays," the refrain goes, "but why do they have to be so, well, in your face about it?"
Of course, in an ideal world, sexuality would be a private matter. But it can't be so long as any of us are denied our rights because of our sexual orientation. That's what led me, a middle-aged, Jewish labor leader to decide to come out.
Coming to grips with my sexuality has been a difficult journey. Like anyone else born in the years before Stonewall, I grew up at a time when being gay was regarded as a sickness, a deviance, an aberration, and even a crime -- something of which to be ashamed. I was convinced, like others, that if I wanted to get ahead in my professional life, I felt I couldn't afford to acknowledge my sexuality.
It's a choice I made as a young lawyer in a large Hartford, Connecticut firm in the 1970s. I was convinced that the firm's partners would tell me that they didn't have a problem with my orientation, but that they didn't think their clients would feel comfortable with my being gay -- "not that there's anything wrong with it." Like millions of other gay men and lesbians, I learned to compartmentalize my life and built a firewall separating who I was at work from who I was. It came at a staggering cost, not only to me, but also to others.
Because I didn't let many in on the secret that I'm gay, there are people I've known all my life who have never really gotten to know me. More than that, though, it also robbed them of the opportunity to discover what I already knew: that gay people are everywhere, including the labor movement.
So why come out now? A lot it has to do with the battle in Albany to win Marriage Equality legislation. Assuring that gays and lesbians have the same opportunity to marry as other New Yorkers do is a fundamental question of civil rights. It's about whether we're going to be a state whose laws protect only some of us, or a state whose laws are written for all of us. It's shocking that, in 2009, this should even be an issue at all.
Though I could have continued to privately support the campaign for marriage equality by writing checks to Empire State Pride Agenda, I'm convinced that the most important contribution I can make is to remind legislators that gay and lesbian New Yorkers are in every walk of life and, yes, some of us are even labor leaders.
I have always believed that the only way to challenge injustice is by organizing people for change. That's why I first became involved in the labor movement. But change also requires being honest with each other and ourselves. For me, that means recognizing that the time has long passed for me to step forward and say: "yes, I'm gay." I'm sure to some that may seem "in your face." To me, though, it's being who I am.
Stuart Appelbaum is president of the 100,000 - member Retail, Wholesale, Department Store Union (RWDSU). In addition to that he also currently serves as a vice president of the New York State AFL-CIO and the New York City Central Labor Council.
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Mr. Appelbaum,
I am sorry you felt a need to hide from people close to you and to the world around you. There are many resources available for people who are struggling with different issues. Believe me, I understand how difficult it can be, but there are many hands outstretched to people in need. (However, this website will not allow such organizations to be listed.)
Mr. Appelbaum,
Can someone collect all the tired, laughable, ignorant, hateful, naive, hurtful, and bullying excuses, retorts, and myths about lgbt equality and do the following?:
List them, order them, catalog them, number them, and distribute them to opponents.
Then they can all save a lot of time and blog space -- theirs and ours -- by just referring to whatever misinformed idea by its "Phobe Code"; for instance typing"12.7.3", could tell everyone that you're making that oh-so clever point about "gays can already marry someone of the opposite sex".
It would also prove just how few "Phobe Codes" there really are.
fantastic!
i hope you are not fired. i hope your family, friends, and coworkers support you. i hope your professional adversaries don't decide it's a flaw to exploit.
i hope others are encouraged to do the same.
Good for you! Thanks for coming out. The more gay and lesbian people who do, the stronger we are.
Good work Stuart.
And kudos to New England (sans RI) and Iowa for supporting marriage equality and fairness.
Cheers, Joe Mustich, Justice of the Peace,
Washington, Connecticut USA
http://justicesofthepeace.blogspot.com
This summer I will be officiating for many couples who are coming to CT to wed from CA, VA, LA, NY, and DC, because they aren't allowed to do so in their own home states...just yet.
Are you listening Mr Obama? DOMA? DADT?
I don't have any problem with gays," the refrain goes, "but why do they have to be so, well, in your face about it?"
Well straigth people are all in my face about it, the very public weddings, the holding hands on the street, the movies, etc, etc. Why do they have to be so in our face about it oh yeah, because it's their right.. so it is about the rigths of everyone, it's about accepting we are not all the same, not the same color, the same sexual orientation, the same height, or weigth but we all deserve the same rigths.
funny thing is, if you think about it, we have no choice but to make the statement.
race and gender differences are ALREADY in their face and there is no surprise!
lgbt's have to be very brave at some point to enter the world of truth -- but opponents want to see it as weakness and a move against them.
Dear Stuart,
Thank you for sharing your story. I started the coming out process at age 57.Its been almost 7 years since I started the process, of claiming my freedom, to be who I am. And it has freed me of so much baggage from the past. I also grew up in the fifties and know what a time that was to not be different, in any way. I spent 5 years with the Coming Out Group at The Center in Long Beach California. Steve Stark and Denise Be Cotte were and are the facilitators who helped me and many, many others through the difficult and challenging process that is Coming Out. They have helped hundreds of people over the decade that they both have served: let me take this opportunity to thank them for their lifesaving help, when I most needed it! I know that there are many other people like them across the country who like them serve our community and deserve our continuing gratitude and support. Congratulations Stuart for your act of bravery and self affirmation. Much love to all those facilitators across the country, who give of their talent and time, to help us, and many others we do not know, but who are part of the human community.
What rights are you being denied?
Overdog2 - I don't even know where to start -- there are MANY MANY ways LGBT people in America are being discriminated against.....anyone else wanna give this guy the list? Im tired.
Don't take the bait. He's knows what rights.
I'm gay and I understand why many str8's don't understand the problem with inequality when all they see is gay celebrities complaining about not being able to get a marriage license. The reality is the Xtian haters use the marriage issue to dupe moderates into helping them encode into law their message that gays are dirty evil monsters children need to be protected from (see the "yes on 8" motto). Here is a list of the real damages of inequality/homophobia:
* Homophobia causes a gay teen to commit suicide every 5 hours.
* Swishy stereotypes/jokes still cause many gay men to stay in the closet and lie to women - leading to broken marriages and families.
* Homophobia creates the "down-low" homosex culture especially among minority functionally-bisexual men who reject safe-sex practices as "gay", resulting in staggering infection rates in minority communities, 10% of Black men in DC are now HIV+. As a result, unsuspecting minority women are often infected .
* "Don't ask don't tell" weakens the military, the Pentagon's own studies show this, but no one including Obama is taking a stand.
* Children who need loving parents don't get them because of discrimination against gays who want to adopt.
Wow....I love how you make up "facts" as you go. Christians aren't haters (at least most aren't)....we simply believe that there is only one God, that the Bible was divinely inspired by Him and is infallible. Just because I don't accept the sin of homosexuality, or lying, or adultery.....doesn't mean I hate the person. I'm the last person to judge someone...God is the ultimate Judge and we'll ALL face Him one day. However, it doesn't mean I have to accept someone's lying, adultery, homosexuality...whatever it may be, lest I be deemed 'intolerant' or 'hateful'. I stand by my beliefs, and should be allowed to hold to my beliefs. But the fact is, today in society, my beliefs are considered 'intolerant'. Oh well, so be it. I've come to the belief that the only thing I can do at this point is to pray for y'all (as much as you may dislike that), and hope for civil discourse in the matter.
If you don't know by now, you are either not paying attention or just being smart. We have no time for either.
As a herterosexual ally, I applaud your coming out. I only regret that you had to live a portion of your life hiding when you were perfect just as you are all along. Cheers!
Kudos, brother. Welcome to the fold.
I hate the word gay. That probably makes me a bad gay person. I just never understood the word. I hate the word straight too. So I am an equal opportunity label hater. I don’t think that it is right to sum up anyone or anything in a single word. As if we are all crayon colors or objects in a box of Lucky Charms. I hope that any couple getting married today finds as much happiness in their partnered life together that we have. It is so much better and yet more complicated that I could have imagined. It goes against human nature to put someone else’s complete happiness before yours. It is however the most rewarding thing you can do. I choose to inhabit my days with my soul mate Deonne and have for nineteen years. Not because I make a statement to the world but because for some unknown reason she loves me and believes in me. She wakes up every day and smiles at me and helps me face all of the realities that life throws at us. She has had her work cut out for her too. No juggling clubs in the house. No juggling torches in the house. These are not rules that came along by chance.
Real change and equality are coming. It will not happen with the stroke of President Obama's pen, but will take a multi-front effort:
1) All of us coming out to family, friends and work place -- We are your neighbors, your brothers and sisters, your co-worker -- we live the same lives you do paying taxes and bills and caring for our families
2) Small victories, such as "some" federal benefits extended to same-sex couples
3) State-by-state Gay Marriage such as in Massachussetts, Vermont, New Hampshire (keep working in your state)
4) Challenges to anti-gay amendments and DOMA and DADT that make their way to the Supreme Court
5) A split Supreme Court as we have now will pass judgement on a case as historical as Brown v. Board of Education that will lead to...
6) Legislation in Congress establishing equal protections for the LGBT community
In this manner, our rights will be solidified as working through our Constitutional system, not as being dictated down to the People by a "liberal" President.
Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks... they had patience and the spirit of non-violence (non-confrontational) that validated the simple statement worn by picketers in Birmingham -- "I am a man."
With this same commitment and perseverance, we will also be able to stand and say "I am a human." and deserve equal rights.
Patience and perseverance. Our time will come. Freedom will ring.
You're right in the main CD. I do think there are incremental steps you've missed:
*) the Boies/Olson Prop 8 challenge will prevail in the 9th circuit (and not be heard by SCOTUS as it does not present an overarching federal issue) and affect CA and the six states that have marriage equality or recognize out-of-state marriages (NY, RI, possibly MD) -- no going back on those.
***) The federal recognition of all marriages seems like such a slam dunk to me that I think SCOTUS might not even take it if it is recognized by a lower court. The Full Faith and Credit (recognition between states) is a larger matter and will be heard by SCOTUS.
It occurs to me that it could be very rightly read as chipping away at Full Faith and Credit and thus we could be strongly supported by the business community -- imagine if other contracts weren't honored between states?!! Interstate commerce would be threatened and that's way more important to most conservatives than two men kissing.
*) Congress will pass ENDA, and repeal DADT before SCOTUS gets a case on marriage equality.
I agree with you on all but a couple points.
The "small victories" such as Obama's tossing out of a couple "benefits" to same sex couples are, I think, more harmful than helpful in that they soothe the consciences of straight Democrats who feel that they are actually doing something, and are therefore less likely to do something of substance.
More importantly, non-violent is absolutely NOT the same thing as non-confrontational. King, and Ghandi before him, employed non-violence as a method of confrontation. Confronting an apathetic majority with the unshakeable principles of humanity is the entire point of the philosophy. In other words, if you're trying to say we need to simmer down about this, I think that both King and Ghandi would respectfully, and peacefully, disagree.
we won't find equality in those exact ways. we won't find it in the exact way women did. we will get it in our way.
but we desparately need people to come out, let them saint or sinner, the more the better.
and we desprately need the kindness of straight strangers.
I hate the word gay. That probably makes me a bad gay person. I just never understood the word. I hate the word straight too. So I am an equal opportunity label hater. I don’t think that it is right to sum up anyone or anything in a single word. As if we are all crayon colors or objects in a box of Lucky Charms. I hope that any couple getting married today finds as much happiness in their partnered life together that we have. It is so much better and yet more complicated that I could have imagined. It goes against human nature to put someone else’s complete happiness before yours. It is however the most rewarding thing you can do. I choose to inhabit my days with my soul mate Deonne and have for nineteen years. Not because I make a statement to the world but because for some unknown reason she loves me and believes in me. She wakes up every day and smiles at me and helps me face all of the realities that life throws at us. She has had her work cut out for her too. No juggling clubs in the house. No juggling torches in the house. These are not rules that came along by chance.
http://roryland.blogspot.com/
Stuart, Thank you for having the courage to share your life with the world. I applaud your commitment to equality. Gays are everywhere in all walks of life.
When I walk down the street I see PEOPLE , I don't differentiate who is gay and who is not.
Why is it that you want to make me see you as "different"?
Sexual Orientation, like hair color is only one aspect of a human being and not the whole human being.
And I'm sorry but you can talk gay from now until the end of time...
Some of us would rather see our fellow human beings as people.....
Unfortunately, not everyone is as "color-blind" as you apparently are. There are still thousands, perhaps millions, who DON'T see gay people and simply people. Just as Stuart described, they see gay people as sick and deviant, an abomination against God, and as a second-class citizens. Stuart isn't trying to make you see him as "different"-- quite the opposite. He's trying to make you, me, and others understand that gay ppl are no different than heterosexuals. They are the ppl we know, love, work-with, admire, pal around with, and walk by every single day. They are human-beings with feelings, opinions, and aspirations like everyone else. They are American citizens who deserve the right to live freely and honestly and still be treated as equals. So how about you congratulate Mr. Applebaum on having the courage to stand along side his fellow LGBT citizens and declare who he really is. I know I am.
Wow, SonofLiberty1, that’s a great way to be! The goal for so many of us is just to be viewed as “people,” not black/white, not male/female, not gay/straight, not atheist/religious. Just people.
The goal for so many is to be treated exactly the same as the next person with exactly the same opportunities and challenges. The goal for so many is what you describe: to be seen without favor or prejudice when going about life’s activities: to obtain jobs; attend church, synagogue, mosque or none; marry the person we love or stay single; raise a family, adopting, or remaining childless; and all the other aspects of our lives, important or trivial.
Sadly, I know not all people share this view. I know our Government doesn’t either. But, that is changing. Little by little it will change.
I commend Mr. Appelbaum. His simple goal is to show people that he is no different from them.
But, to understand why he is no different, it’s important to highlight the aspect of who you are that you think is causing others to look at you… and people like you… differently. This is just what he and countless others are doing: whether it’s the Muslim serving in our Military and fighting in Iraq; the woman who becomes a leading CEO; the man who loves another man and wants to affirm it through State institutions. The fact is they’re not different. The beauty is we are all really “just people.”
Excellent! I agree, some of us *would* rather see our fellow human beings as people.
In the meantime, there are a large number of folks who don't see the world the way you and I do. Methinks it is those individuals for whom Mr. Appelbaum wrote this. I don't think he was trying to preach to the choir, as it were.
Congratulations on having an enlightened point of view and thank you for refusing to play along with bigots.
Unfortunately, you are in a minority. A majority of the most powerful Americans are catering to the majority of American citizens who detest gays and wish we would just disappear. They want employment and housing discrimination. They want to deny civil unions or marriages. They want to refuse our ability to adopt. If left to their own devices, they would go back to making us "illegal" altogether and we would return to the days when cops beat us and raped us in their jails just for fun. It is because of these people that the rest of us have to "come out" and fight for our rights.
You need to read his other posts regarding homosexuality and same-sex marriage. I think you'll probably rescind your congratulations.
"Why is it that you want to make me see you as "different"?"
that's his key point, the rest is blather. he doesn't want gay to exist. just yesterday he was kicking sand all over gay posters, he even tried to win an argument saying that he's 'distantly related to obama' and his opponent wasn't, and 'what did he think about that', meaning, he thought that won the debate. he employs the most preposterous pretzel logic to belittle and dehumanize gays and to make it all about a threat to him.
i can't figure out why he uses the word "liberty" in his name. he doesn't appear to believe in it.
Great. Then since he is a person he should have all the same rights as everyone else. I am glad you agree.
I believe his point is that the more people come out, the more homophobes realize there is nothing to be afraid of and the more free someone can be about who is in their life. You talk about your family and share personal stories (I am not talking sexual ones) about your life with people you work with from time to time, don't you? It's part of life.
We are all human and have a deep want and need to connect with others. And we all deserve the same legal rights.
You are wrong about us all having a deep want and need to connect with others. Some of us are reclusive and or introverted and don't wish for group identity.
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