Being Gay: It's Who I Am

The most common criticism of the gay movement by straight people has been that it makes a public issue out of something that ought to remain private. "I don't have any problem with gays," the refrain goes, "but why do they have to be so, well, in your face about it?"

Of course, in an ideal world, sexuality would be a private matter. But it can't be so long as any of us are denied our rights because of our sexual orientation. That's what led me, a middle-aged, Jewish labor leader to decide to come out.

Coming to grips with my sexuality has been a difficult journey. Like anyone else born in the years before Stonewall, I grew up at a time when being gay was regarded as a sickness, a deviance, an aberration, and even a crime -- something of which to be ashamed. I was convinced, like others, that if I wanted to get ahead in my professional life, I felt I couldn't afford to acknowledge my sexuality.

It's a choice I made as a young lawyer in a large Hartford, Connecticut firm in the 1970s. I was convinced that the firm's partners would tell me that they didn't have a problem with my orientation, but that they didn't think their clients would feel comfortable with my being gay -- "not that there's anything wrong with it." Like millions of other gay men and lesbians, I learned to compartmentalize my life and built a firewall separating who I was at work from who I was. It came at a staggering cost, not only to me, but also to others.

Because I didn't let many in on the secret that I'm gay, there are people I've known all my life who have never really gotten to know me. More than that, though, it also robbed them of the opportunity to discover what I already knew: that gay people are everywhere, including the labor movement.

So why come out now? A lot it has to do with the battle in Albany to win Marriage Equality legislation. Assuring that gays and lesbians have the same opportunity to marry as other New Yorkers do is a fundamental question of civil rights. It's about whether we're going to be a state whose laws protect only some of us, or a state whose laws are written for all of us. It's shocking that, in 2009, this should even be an issue at all.

Though I could have continued to privately support the campaign for marriage equality by writing checks to Empire State Pride Agenda, I'm convinced that the most important contribution I can make is to remind legislators that gay and lesbian New Yorkers are in every walk of life and, yes, some of us are even labor leaders.

I have always believed that the only way to challenge injustice is by organizing people for change. That's why I first became involved in the labor movement. But change also requires being honest with each other and ourselves. For me, that means recognizing that the time has long passed for me to step forward and say: "yes, I'm gay." I'm sure to some that may seem "in your face." To me, though, it's being who I am.

Stuart Appelbaum is president of the 100,000 - member Retail, Wholesale, Department Store Union (RWDSU). In addition to that he also currently serves as a vice president of the New York State AFL-CIO and the New York City Central Labor Council.

Comments

[We-Are-The-Ones]

Beautifully written.

Thank you for sharing.

[VictoriaP]

so, should i be admired for being a black woman every day of my life? i can't hide it. i can't pretend to be what i am not, so that i reap benefits and avoid scorn.

[chaya]

Why not? I admire you for being a black woman. The strategy of "Gay Pride" is one that was well thought out. It is exactly the same strategy that blacks used in the 60's (which something tells me you weren't around to see). Whites thought the same thing: why are the blacks prancing around acting like they're all proud of having black skin? Why do they have to call themselves "black" anyway, since they're not actually black?

Ask yourself how things have changed since then and why.

[JakeAZ]

Thank you. Simply -- thank you.

[JMEB]

Kudos for coming out!

The whole "in your face" thing is ridiculous, as if gay/lesbian people say or do anything different in public than straight people do. The people who express this annoyance usually mean that they want to express their gut-level disgust at a person's openness about their identity but are no longer able to do so without looking like an utter bigot.

[superstition]

"I believe that freedom and justice cannot be parceled out in pieces to suit political convenienc­e."

-- Coretta Scott King

"For too long, our nation has tolerated the insidious form of discrimination against this group of Americans, who have worked as hard as any other group, paid their taxes like everyone else, and yet have been denied equal protection under the law.

My husband, Martin Luther King, Jr. said, 'Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere­.' On another occasion he said, 'I have worked too long and hard against segregated public accommodations to end up segregating my moral concern. Justice is indivisibl­e.' Like Martin, I don't believe you can stand for freedom for one group of people and deny it to others.'"

'Gays and lesbians stood up for civil rights in Montgomery, Selma, in Albany, Ga. and St. Augustine, Fla., and many other campaigns of the Civil Rights Movement,' she said. 'Many of these courageous men and women were fighting for my freedom at a time when they could find few voices for their own, and I salute their contributi­ons.'"

-- CSK
http://scienceblogs.com/dispatches/2006/02/coretta_scott_king_on_gay_righ.php

[ShakeYourComplacency]

Can we somehow repeat this post every time someone says gay rights are not civil rights, or that no black people see gay discrimination as having anything to do with a civil right or a constitutional right. It certainly is, and Coretta Scott King spoke loudly about that, and so did Rosa Parks. What is so invisidble about this that no one seems to see it?

[ashisu]

Agreed. Kudos to you, Superstition.

[rongbeech]

Bravo! You set a great example.

[PlaceboStudman]

Thank you for your story, Mr Applebaum. It is stories like yours that our movement needs more of. Not just in terms of marriage equality, but gathering support for all of our legislative agenda that we are pushing for. We need all the help we can get, and it's good to hear we have one more soldier in our ranks to fight the fights that need fighting, for marriage equality and complete equality of ALL Americans

[EducatedObserver]

Mr Appelbaum,

I am sure what you did required courage, and I congratulate you.

However, I think you will agree with me that ultimately, what matters most is not the group to which we belong, but what we do with our lives in the pursuit of happiness and fulfillment.

A world in which a Merkel, Thatcher, and an Obama are not noted for the tiresome boxes they tick, but for how they perform, would be a world approaching a degree of sophistication and maturity.

[QuietNetworker]

What ultimately matters is not what gay people have done.

If that were so we would have full equality already. Clearly
what matters in the minds of many and the in the laws of
the land is not even so much the box you tick, because
there is rarely a box for "gay"...bu­t rather where you put
you d1ck (genitals).

After all, gay people were responsible or:

Cracking the Enigma Code and winning World War II.
The prime examples of literature and art in nearly all times.
Some of the greatest military men from Alexander to Lt. Choi
Some of the finest activists like Milk.

Oh and some of the darkest too: Like Coan.

What you're suggesting isn't sophistication, it's sophomoric.

It's an application of idealism that ultimately "coerces" others.

Warmly,

Paulie Sabol

[EducatedObserver]

Thank you Paulie for replying to my post. We are going to have to agree to disagree on this one.

You see, I believe that many people who consider themselves "oppressed" are so (perhaps understandably) fixated on their own worldview, that they miss seeing the forest for the trees.

This is comprehensible, but not certainly not desirable. History is littered with the bewildered spirits of those loyal foot soldiers who fought for a cause they believed in - blacks, women, Jews etc. - but who couldn't stop fighting when the battle was done.

My worldview is different from yours, because my circumstances are different. I choose the macrocosmic view because I am able to.

With respect

EdOb

[Paulied]

Congratulations and thank you, Mr. Applebaum, for coming out. I believe it is the single most important step any of us can take to further the cause of equality. Best of luck to you.

[Willow712]

I believe that people assume that all gay people act lewd in a pink Gay Pride Parade. That's what I think a lot of them see as "it should be private, just don't have it in my face." They do not realize that there are millions of gay people, and unless they actually tell you, you don't have a clue.

My only complaint is a lot of the cool guys have husbands. LOL

[QuietNetworker]

Even if they mean that, it's crap.

There are "lots' of str8 people who act lewd with a Drink
a a Frat Party. Or at a bar near you.

Or online looking at images :)

It's a double standard, without question.

[dm10003]

people have thought that homosexuality should be hidden FOR-EV-ER when being day would get you fired, jailed, assaulted, killed. parades are only a few decades old. the historical naivete among opponents in these blogs makes debates with them tedious.

[M1]

Well done and thank you!

[ignoranceequalsfear]

Good for you, Mr Appelbaum!

I respect you for your honesty, hard work, and self respect. Would that every one of us be so confident and proud of who we are. We WILL see equality for ALL under the law. We are no longer going to ask for it.

It's time to DEMAND equal rights!

All the best to you!

[Quislet]

Congratulations on coming out.

At the start, you talked about straight people that don't like gay people being "in your face" and that it is a private matter. Sexuality and sexual behavior is a private matter, but sexual orientation is not. Heterosexuals are very public about their sexual orientation. e.g. "I'm John and this is my wife, Mary." Heterosexual politicians are expected to have and show their opposite sex spouse. And movies and television show us thousands of heterosexuals being open about their heterosexuality.

[ShakeYourComplacency]

That speaks to the issue exactly. Although we are all sexual people, and heterosexuals clearly demonstrate that in public, on tv, in the movies, in schools, certainly in clubs etc at night, and really even at work during the day, the first mention of gay americans brings not family to mind, or talents or hobbies or interests, etc, but sexuality. And as you said, this is very different from orientation. People have varying degrees and types of sexual likes and dislikes, and that is layered on top of the foundation of their orientation. A gay teen who hasn't had sex yet still self identifies as gay, just as virgin straights do. It's not about having sex. Not that part, at least.

I remember being about 10 years old, and seeing a straight couple have sex on top of their pick-up truck. Somehow...­that didn't brand them sexual or sexaholics or put a scarlet A on their foreheads for the rest of their life. They were just two drunk people who got out of hand with their amorous behavior, and the dozens of people who witnesses it went about their evening without missing a beat, once the display was stopped, and no one thought a thing about it, it wasn't in the paper the next day, or on TMZ. It was as if it didn't happen at all.

[freshnotbitter]

I am a big pro gay marriage proponent. Nice to see you will be pushing this issue forward. It is really embarassing to see the USA so far behind other countries on this issue and even more embarassing to see all the coonskin republicans lining up to push American democracy in Iran when they have more in common with Ahmdedinejad than with the reformers in Iran.

We have our own American Taliban and I hope you can bring reform to the halls of Albany just as our Iranian brothers and sisters are bringing modern democracy to Iran.

[Steven Howe]

'Protect' is a bad view of the issue of legal marriage. It should be 'enable'. Enable gay partners to form more permanent relationships.

A change of wording can change minds.

As to you article. I sent it to my brother who still doesn't 'get it'. He so focus on the physicality he can't see the broader need to earn the love and trust some one.

Steven Howe

[Quislet]

No, "Protect" was the right word. Legal civil marriage does provide protections to the couple. i.e. the spousal privilege. and the ability to care for a family member (aka spouse) under the Family & Medical Leave act without jeopardizing your employment.

[dm10003]

enable is a passive mushy word. protect is active and strong.