Upon the death of my husband George I was consumed with grief. Days and nights filled with loneliness I sat and wrote my heart out. I had no idea what I was writing or what I would do with these pages filled with despair, grief, anger, confusion, suicidal thoughts and many other feelings.
We had kids in our house 39 years of our 40 years of marriage. I would plead to God please give George and me time for just us. We made plans that summer to spend the winter in Florida. Then, Dec. 16, 2007, God called my beloved home. Anger and grief filled my being. Suicidal thoughts ran deep within me. There was anger at George for leaving me, even though he had no choice in this. But mostly I was angry at God. How dare He let this happen when we were on our way to a different life? I called God many names at that time and told Him I hated Him. My faith was shaken. I clung to the knowledge that I would be with George again in heaven.
One Sunday in church a person kept telling me, "It's OK, it really is." How is it OK to have the love of my life ripped out of my life? "How was it ever going to be OK again?" was my thought. It was when I was driving home that day the title came to my heart. "Don't Tell Me It's Okay." That is when I knew God wanted me to turn these pages filled with disperse into a book.
There was one thing I knew for sure: I would have no hope if I denied God. I started to search His words for comfort and strength. I needed to know His promises to me. During the time I was writing I would pick up my Bible to read. It seems I would continue over the months to turn to Lamentations. There someone knew my pain. There also came the titles for each chapter of the book. Jeremiah is called the weeping profit, his pain was real and I felt a connection with him. One day in the calmness of my broken heart, God gave me these words. They grabbed my heart, and I stand on this today:
"I come to prosper you, not to harm you. I come to give you the future that you hoped for" (Jeremiah 29:11).
I still have my honey-I-miss-you days where I cry and feel overwhelmed with missing him. Well I am going through these feelings, I know my heavenly father is holding me tight in His arms. I know He will never leave me or forsake me. I am His child and He loves me more than I could even begin to imagine. God has a plan for me. Praise His name.