10 Dos And Don'ts Of Online Dating

Unless you work in a totally male milieu - for instance, a urologists's office, NASCAR race track, or beef 'n' ale house -- your quest to meet a man will take you to the Internet. The good news is that you'll find thousands and thousands of guys online, all trolling for dates. On the other hand, be prepared to spend hours and hours learning how to sort the wheat from the chaff. Here's our crash course on the do's and don'ts of cyberdating.

DO post a recent photo, and write an honest description of yourself. One of our guy friends salivated over a picture of a gorgeous, blonde, bikini-clad model. Expecting a Cameron Diaz look-alike, he was shocked to meet a morbidly obese woman in a moo-moo. He downed three shots of tequila and fled. On the other hand, we've dated men who were relieved and delighted that we simply looked like our pictures. (And believe us, we're not Cameron.) They were grateful enough to stay through the crème brulée.

DON'T naively assume that his photo is as up-to-date and accurate as yours. We accepted a date with a guy whose head shot looked perfectly human, even normal. In the flesh he could have passed for Dracula, with a mouthful of rotted, brown, pointy fangs. Never underestimate the power of Photoshop.

DO learn the lingo of dating profiles. For instance:

* He describes himself as "cuddly."

Translation: chubby.

* He writes, "I've been told I'm very handsome."

Translation: by his mother.

* He's "Executive Vice-President of Strategic Planning for a Major Corporation." Translation: he's self-employed in some cockamamie business, headquartered in his basement.

DON'T get taken in by corny, overused come-on lines like, "Looking to spoil the lady of my dreams with flowers and candlelit dinners." And beware of perfect strangers who promise to "snuggle with you in front of the fireplace" and "enjoy sunset strolls on the beach." These guys have one thing on their minds. That's why they took a course on What Women Want to Hear 101.

DO brush up on your math if he sounds too good to be true:

* Subtract three inches from his height.
* Double his weight.
* Halve his income.
* Add a decade to his age.

DON'T choose your dates based on photos. It's all too easy to scroll through Internet profiles, selecting the Brad Pitt lookalikes and bypassing the rest. Remember, real men lose their hair and grow love handles, yet if you met them in person, you just might find them charming. Besides, if you're anything like us, you probably don't look that much like Angelina.

DO move the conversation along from email to cell phone. Some people are great writers - or even have a friend ghost-writing for them. In a phone chat, you'll get a better sense of whether your personalities click. Plus you'll find out if he even has a personality. Note: it's a bad sign if, during his monologue about his golf swing, you're checking your watch and praying that you lose your cell-phone signal.

DON'T disclose where you live or for that matter, any personal information that could lead to your address, such as your home phone number, last name, or an email address that includes your last name. While most men on the Internet are just as normal as you are, you don't want Hannibal Lecter ringing your doorbell, even if he's carrying a box of Godiva chocolates. And even if they're truffles.

DO take things slowly, though the chemistry may be magnetic. Arrange to meet him in a public place for the first couple of dates. When you know more about him, he can pick you up and drop you off at home, but don't invite him in just yet - even if he pleads that he urgently has to use your bathroom. Our friend fell for that ploy on a first date, and when she offered her hand as he was leaving, he suddenly French-kissed her, slobbering all over her face. Yum.

DON'T behave like a kid in a candy store full of online temptations. If you've met a nice, sincere guy, and you're having a good time dating him, don't fly to your computer the second you get home to flirt with a dozen new seductive suitors. On the Internet, it's easy to get distracted by the smorgasbord of smooth-talking guys -- only to lose sight of the one who just might be Mr. Right.

Comments

[dben]

You mean the "10 Dos And Dont's Of Online Dating" for straight people. Clearly written by and for clueless heterosexuals with a reflexive sense of entitlement.

No worries. I'll just scroll down to your link for interracial Gay dating. I'm used to being ancillary.

Thanks.

[kellygrrrl]

anyone who has the time and patience to troll for "dates" on the internet surely must have the time to go out and live life.
Just do what you love - whether that is biking or antiquing or wine tasting or shopping or golf or yoga or bird watching

I imagine you're going to meet someone you have something in common with while you're out there living

[lisakaz2]

If I see a pic of a guy I'm not remotely attracted to, I'm not going to want to me him. What's the point? And that's them at their best??? I'd rather hang with the cat.

[Raymondf]

Don't do it at all, because you don't know, how many perverts are out there.

[Pragman]

I think some of you ladies could do with a bit of perversion for a change.

[marinemomof3]

I really enjoyed this article and laughed probably more than I should have.

I read the ads once in awhile, my daughter is always telling me "ma you got to get out".
Well, when I am ready, I guess I will. I have no interest in what a man makes but....
I do have an interest in what his job is. I don't want his money!!!

Thanks for the laughs!

[djwfutbol]

This is all kind of sad. Why don't you just strike up a conversation with someone new in the grocery store or in a bookstore or in the park on a sunny afternoon? If you are religious, why not linger at the front of the church after services and say hello to someone as they come out? If you like music, go to an outdoors concert (I'm thinking Tanglewood or Wolf Trap), lay out a blanket, some food and a little wine and offer to share with the next person. (Bring two glasses.)

If it turns out they aren't available, maybe they know someone nice who is. Is it really so hard? I seem to meet people all the time but then, I am solidly married and it probably shows. As to discussing my job, nothing could be duller. I'd rather talk about most anything else, like Internet dating, I suppose.

[Pragman]

Good advice. Ladies, be a little more outgoing when you're out in public and you see a guy you're attracted to. We're sensitive to the idea that women usually don't like to be bothered, but there's nothing stopping you from bothering us.

Being approached by a woman is a total turn-on, but it's all too rare.

[jasondeluxe]

Your ideas are antiquated.

For anyone under 50, meeting someone via the internet isn't "kind of sad", it's normal.

What strikes ME as "kind of sad" is someones creepy-assed grandmother trolling the pews for a piece or trying to pull some little red riding hood action with a bottle of wine and some old cheese.

[djwfutbol]

Ah, I see. My ideas are antiquated, yet I never lack for company. Odd, that.

"Creepy-assed grandmothers" need love too. By the way, how do you get to be a grandmother, creepy-assed or not, if you haven't met anybody? It would seem you are contradicting yourself there, Slick.

But you are right and now I have met you. The Internet is a wonderful place, beats the hell out of the Berkshires in the summer. Sorry I took so long to see that truth. Think of all the hypothetical affection I could have had.

[InformedSources]

I'm 57, divorced, and believe it or not I DO enjoy cuddling by the fire and long walks on the beach. Erotic play (what you would call sex) is terrific too, but only with someone I care about and know well. Meaningful relationships, ya know? Yes, some men really do go for that.

I never state my income in my on-line profile--although it's perfectly adequate--I just think that's crass, and I don't care to know the income of my dates. I'm more interested in what's on their minds, and in their hearts.

A few tips for on-line dating gals from a guy in the know. Do allow us to see a moderate close-up of your face, well focused and taken in natural light. Don't wear flamboyant makeup, wild hairstyles, or crazy hats in your pics, unless that's the real, everyday you. The overdone makeup and big hats/hair are a big turnoff for most guys, and they make you look older than you are. No, no, no!

Don't show us a picture of you with another guy, your kids, your 47 cats, or, worst of all, you in a group of other women. We just want to see YOU, in truth, by the light of day. And don't prominently feature your boobs in a photo, unless you're working. :-)

Happy hunting!

[trailblazer]

Here's my general rule of thumb, not that I have been phenomenally successful at on-line dating: (1) a few e-mails: (2) a couple of phone calls; and (3) then meet for coffee. I don't want endless e-mails, only to find out the guy's speech is seriously slurred on the phone, or that he's seriously overbearing, etc. And I don't want to have a phone relationship for weeks on end, to discover that there is zero attraction when you finally meet. My time is important to me and I don't want to have weeks of communication only to find out there is nothing there. Also, a couple of times when I've made dates to meet someone, they have insisted on dinner, I get there and find I am not in the least bit attracted to them, then I feel badly that they are buying me dinner. I wouldn't feel so bad if it would have been something simple.

[InformedSources]

>Also, a couple of times when I've made dates to meet someone,
>they have insisted on dinner, I get there and find I am not in the
>least bit attracted to them, then I feel badly that they are buying
>me dinner.

Ever think of paying for your own dinner? Just say, "Let's split the tab," or "I'd like to pay for my own dinner," and you're golden.

Don't know where you are, but in the circles I move in, most women like to pay their own way to begin with, instead of begin subsidized by a man. Guess they're into the whole autonomy thing. Try it, you'll like it! :-)

[trailblazer]

Maybe it's an age thing - I'm 51, and most men my age are insulted if I offer to pay. Even if they are just buds. Trust me, I'm the last woman anyone would consider to be "subsidized by a man."

[cbm17]

if you are afraid of telling personal info- don't date!! online dating is not that different from the real world, where people routinely give out business cards.

[sonymol]

Hey, what's up with the last Don't? Why not? Mr.Right, smister white; if you don't approach internet dating with a sense of fun and adventure, aren't you in trouble already? (Especially if you are weighed down by delusions of "Mr-Right" illness).

[iamjoyce]

DON"T - Think he sounds like the most perfect man in the world after you have been talking on the phone several, several times! Nothing compares to a good old face-to-face. My example of this had a very disconcerting facial tick. Don't give up! I found my wonderful husband on-line. It's a numbers game. You put out 100 proposals - 3 might come back as viable and 1 makes you a million bucks!

[InformedSources]

Oh, that was you? Sorry you didn't like my facial tic. But don't worry, I found someone else to share my millions with! She's younger an prettier than you anyway, and she doesn't have that nasty turkey wattle under her chin.

Bob

[BillLumbergh]

I especially liked the sexist part about avoiding romance-laced personal descriptions because those men are "just telling you what you want to hear" and are "only looking for one thing".
Thanks 1940's Moms.
How about a little advice for men? Here's some; try excluding your annual income from your description, and watch how not a single woman shows interest. That's because they're "only looking for one thing".
Sexist stereotypes suck, don't they?

[RebelAlliance]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who caught that.

[trailblazer]

I never pay any attention to the income field. I would, however, like to know what someone does for a living, (1) because other people's careers are interesting to me; and (2) there are certain people I don't want to date, like cops. Then there was the guy who vacuumed mattresses for a living, I kid you not.

[Quotidien]

Who wants to date me ??

I'm an executive vp at an investment bank ,I love traveling, I speak 3 languages, and I'm very athletic.

[kuastar]

Quotidien, have you forgotten what gender you are? Not a trivial piece of info.

[AmericaIsATerroist]

Most importantly, BE REALISTIC about what you want and can actually have. It boggles the mind how many woman will hold out for that "tall, dark and handsome" type with the chiseled features. Word to the wise ladies; unless you are a model or filthy rich, THAT strategy is a one way ticket to dying alone in a house full of cats.

[Waubay]

Most of those with top-tier looks do not need to be looking on the internet anyway - they hardly have to look at all. If they are - there is something else going on - and it's probably not the search for a soul mate. Or there is some major baggage there that is making them less desirable than their looks.

[Ingar]

Don't take it too seriously; people can smell desperation.

Have fun. Enjoy your first date, even if it's clear he's not right for you. That doesn't mean drinking too much. Avoid that.

Mystery goes a long way. Don't try to be mysterious, but he doesn't need to know everything about you all at once. Learn about each other slowly.

I never took online dating seriously, at all, and did it at first just to get a good story. (I love a good story)... and ended up meeting someone I've been dating for over a year. Someone ridiculously wonderful. It took me a long time to believe it though, and I suggest caution and a little suspicion on everyone's part. Not everyone's motives can be trusted. In fact, after our first date, he wanted to see me again the next day. I was so convinced that his sweetness and enthusiasm was a ploy to get into my pants, that I didn't see him for a month! Even after a month, he was so sweet, I really didn't buy it. I know now that's just who he is.

Also, neither of us were very upfront about our respective careers. We were vague. Because we're bother very successful, I think we just wanted to make sure we liked each other for the right reasons. it's important to take things slow!

I had several online date nights that did not go so well. Learn from them, and have a sense of humor!