By Joe McGauley
You can get away with living the grimy college life for a few years after graduation, but once the big 3-0 rolls around, it's time to get serious about ditching that duct tape-patched Papasan and beer bong. If you're confused about what exactly needs to be retired, no worries! We assembled the definitive list of items you're not allowed to have in your apartment after your 30th birthday.
Credit: Flickr/Jeremy Sternberg
1. High school trophies on display
There's nothing noble about flaunting the fact that you peaked in high school.
2. Pro DJ equipment that you used three times four years ago
That one weird basement party you got paid to play somehow didn't jumpstart your DJ career. It's time to accept that some dreams die.
3. Sports-themed bed sheets
When your bedroom could conceivably be confused with a 10-year-old's, you're playing a dangerous game.
Credit: Flickr/Lori SR
4. Beer art
Unless you literally live inside a bar, it's time to flip the switch on that neon Busch promotional sign. Same goes for any poster, glass mirror, or plaque.
5. A mattress on the floor
There's a fine line between a bohemian sensibility and living in squalor.
Credit: Flickr/C.M. Keiner
6. People casually passed out on your couch
You don't have to go home, but you can't crash here again, Nick.
Credit: Flickr/Dan4th Nicholas
7. Empty liquor bottles on display
Those empty Jack Daniels bottles may have been badges of honor back before you could legally rent a car, but now it just looks like you forgot to take out the trash.
Credit: Flickr/Jason Lam
8. Pizza Rolls and/or cheap frozen pizzas
If your taste buds haven't evolved since elementary school, something needs to change. And let's be real: Your burgeoning DadBod deserves better.
9. A Taco Bell hot sauce collection
There's no shame in the occasional Gordita Combo Meal, but swiping scores of hot sauce packets to use later at home is lazy and a little sad. Why not try making your own?
10. Makeshift curtains
Unless you want your neighbors to think you're running a meth lab, tear down those sheisty towels over the windows. A simple set of curtains and rods will set you back no more than $10 at a dollar store.
11. Sports shrines
If any room in your home is dedicated to "your team," it's time to look deep inside yourself and find what's really missing in your life.
Credit: Flickr/romana klee
12. Anything you've ever ordered from TV
How many chops does a Slap Chop chop if a Slap Chop sits unused in your cabinet?
Credit: Wikimedia Commons
14. Multicolored Christmas lights as decor
Your apartment is neither a Christmas tree nor a tiki bar. Let that dream die.
Credit: Flickr/Devin Ford
15. Caricatures as art
Here's a good rule of thumb: Don't display anything you purchased on the Jersey Shore boardwalk while in a blissful Bud Light Lime haze.
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