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The Pope Tweets (Parody)

12/06/2012 08:46 am ET | Updated Feb 05, 2013

"On Monday, the Vatican announced that the 85-year-old pontiff would begin posting messages on Twitter next week under the handle @pontifex, a term for pope that means bridge-builder in Latin...Asked whether the pope's posts would be infallible, Msgr. Claudio Maria Celli, president of the Pontifical Council for Social Communications, laughed and said they would be part of the church Magisterium, or collective teaching, but should be considered 'pearls of wisdom,' not doctrine..."
--From the New York Times

Confounding the expectations of the Social Communications staff at the Vatican's Secretariat of State, Benedict XVI, the pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church, is sending his own tweets instead of allowing ghostwriters to use excerpts from his speeches, homilies and Sunday blessings. Deciding to "go rogue," as the pope jauntily put it, Benedict shut the door of his office and began communicating with his flock (and anyone else who's following him). Below is a partial inaugural Twitter feed from His Holiness, compliments of a social media maven who wishes to remain anonymous.

Tweets

Benedict XVI @pontifex
Bongiorno. I never guessed I'd have so many followers already, but it's my honor to join your social media-loving ranks. #noringtokisshere

Barack Obama @BarackObama
Welcome, Your Holiness. "Bridges" are vital to keep the lines of communication open among peoples of different cultures. @pontifex

Skeeter Tobin @Skeeterxtobin
I don't believe in God. @pontifex Like Paul Ryan, I prefer the theories of Ayn Rand. Is Rep. Ryan a "good Catholic"?

Benedict XVI @pontifex
I've been asked how you can "keep Christ in Xmas." Simple. Send Madonna-themed cards, and I don't mean photos of that blaspheming pop star.

Benedict XVI @pontifex
@Skeeterxtobin Rep. Ryan recanted his belief in Rand, and apologized to the Nuns on the Bus. That's "good" enough for me. #ryanfor2016

Benedict XVI @pontifex
Some bishops said Americans would commit a grave sin by voting for @BarackObama. Now you're heading "off the cliff" to hell. #mittwasmyguy

Barack Obama @BarackObama
Is nitpicking my policies a "Christian" way to act? @pontifex

Benedict XVI @pontifex
When in Rome, my son...@BarackObama

Benedict XVI @pontifex
Marriage is a holy state for 1 man and 1 woman and the kids they conceive via rhythm in the missionary position. #marriageisnotforgays

Benedict XVI @pontifex
Some bishops think the missionary position is any job outside Vatican City. Really, our faith allows just one position for sexual congress.

Benedict XVI @pontifex
When I mentioned "sexual congress" before, I didn't mean the U.S. Congress, although it's certainly known for kinky liaisons.

Nancy Pelosi
@NancyPelosi
With all respect @pontifex, I dislike your critique of the U.S. Congress. And isn't talking about "sexual congress" beyond your pay grade?

Benedict XVI @pontifex
Witches used to die at the stake for comments like that. @NancyPelosi #somewomenshouldbestruckregularlylikegongs

Janine Edwards @operadiva5
I'm Catholic. Is it okay for me to sing in operas like Don Giovanni that glorify sex?

Benedict XVI @pontifex
Mozart operas have a moral @operadiva5, but you'll need an exorcism if you read those evil Harry Potter novels. #rowlingisinleaguewithsatan

Benedict XVI @pontifex
For those possessed, we've doubled the number of priests who can drive out demons. Call our exorcism hotline at 011-39-02-8556457 for info.

J.K. Rowling @jk_rowling
I'm disturbed that you find my novels evil. Bollocks! Where is your imagination and sense of whimsy? @pontifex

Benedict XVI @pontifex
For those seeking imaginative, whimsical & moral fiction @jk_rowling, try the great Catholic novelist J. R. R. Tolkien. #hobbitsareheavensent

Benedict XVI @pontifex
I am sheltered by my staff and am wondering: What is "Bieber fever" & "Gangnam style"? Someone enlighten me.

Christie Pyle @Bieberfanone
Do you live under a rock? Bieber is a smokin' hot singer, and Gangnam style is Psy's music video seen by 805 million on Youtube. @pontifex

Benedict XVI @pontifex
OMG, what is this Youtube thing? @Bieberfanone

Christie Pyle @Bieberfanone
Online channel for all kinds of homegrown videos. Could be useful for spreading Catholic propaganda. Visit youtube.com. @pontifex

Benedict XVI @pontifex
Thanks @Bieberfanone. Staff away. Eating penne & watching Fiddler on the Roof to learn about my Judeo-Christian roots. Ciao to all for now!

J.K. Rowling @ jk_rowling
Brilliant, dear fellow! You come back tomorrow, but I just "unfollowed" you and I'm asking my 1,571,497 followers to do the same. @pontifex

Vatican Pontifical Council for Social Comm @Vaticansocialcomm
His Holiness is new at tweeting. Please give him a chance. We can't all be "wizards" at social media--ha ha. @jk_rowling

Benjamin Netanyahu @netanyahu
Fiddler on the Roof? @pontifex What century are you in? Come to Israel to learn about your roots.
#leavegaysalone&helpwithGaza

Benedict XVI @pontifex
Oh that Tevye! I've nipped back online to check Twitter, and now I see this is addicting. Well, addio again. I mean it.

Barack Obama @BarackObama
@pontifex Wonderful. We've had enough of you, and I mean it. @NancyPelosi @jk_rowling @netanyahu #notmissingmitt

Benjamin Netanyahu @netanyahu
If this is the pope's way of "building bridges," I'm verklempt. @BarackObama @NancyPelosi @pontifex @BarbraStreisand

Nancy Pelosi @NancyPelosi
Breaking news, America, @pontifex threatened to burn me at the stake. Not sure I can continue as a Catholic. #misogynyrulesthevatican

Vatican Pontifical Council for Social Comm @Vaticansocialcomm
You're all being jejeune. Can't you see that the pope is a practical joker? @BarackObama @NancyPelosi @netanyahu

J. K. Rowling @jk_rowling
It's getting bloody snarky on Twitter. There may be "a casual vacancy" here soon.

Barack Obama @BarackObama
Hey, all you folks in the Twittersphere. Is anyone else having problems signing on?

Urgent Notice from Twitter

Due to an overwhelming number of tweets from, about, and for Benedict XVI (@pontifex), Twitter is temporarily shutting down. We hope you'll try us again in the near future. Thanks for your patience, and in the meantime, you can follow the pope's new blog at www.straightpoopfromthepontiff.com. Note: Only charitable comments will be published.

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