Mothers That Measure Their Daughters

My mother is a measurer. And I am one to be measured. I do not like to be measured by my mother, or anyone else. Counting, keeping track, measuring, doling, these are things for cooking, not people, not love.

And yet I am examined, scrutinized and commented upon. "I didn't have lines like those on my lips when I was your age," she says in the bright lights of her marble bathroom.

"Well, you're not me, are you?" I wanted to say, but refrained, knowing that she thinks she is, and cannot separate us.

But I can. I may be like my mother, but I am not her. I cannot become my mother because I am me. And yet I see the two little dimples in her nose, feel her cold hands, and know we are sisters, kin, joined by the sinews of our bean picking elders.

I wonder what will come first, loving my mother better, or loving myself. Neither seems possible. Both appear as distant isles in a fog, far off, just visible, but retreating, retreating, the faster I try to paddle toward them.

My mother asked me for pictures, the ones where I'm wearing a year of make-up and false eyelashes. The ones where I am dolled up into the illusory girl, the one without lines on her lips or saggy cheeks. The ones where my eyebrows are both neatly symmetrical. A girl she can call her daughter without an ounce of shame because in these pictures she looks thin, groomed and well-behaved. She looks like someone who could be called respectable.

"It's all make-up and lights," I say when someone compliments these new photos. This is the version of me that my mother believes in, thinks that I will grow into, someday, soon, before she is too old to enjoy me. She says, "You always had such potential. We didn't have much hope for you. The teachers all said that you'd just get by, not to expect much. So we're happy you've turned out as well as you have -- though we still hope for better."

"Don't stop trying," she says. "It's never too late."

Susan Harrow is the author of Sell Yourself Without Selling Your Soul. She runs a Media Consultancy where she helps everyone from Fortune 500 CEOs to celebrity chefs, entrepreneurs to authors grow their business through media coaching and the power of PR. For more information please contact Susan.

 

 

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Comments

[MarenS]

Susan, Great article. These kind of demeaning, critical comments can continue well into adulthood and are a sign that the Mother has no sense of individuat­ion/separa­tion, personal boundaries and no respect for the offspring as a capable adult. There are two books you might want to consider reading/re­searching:

THE MOTHER FACTOR by Dr. Stephan Poulter
NEVER GOOD ENOUGH : Daughter of Narcissistic Mothers by Dr. Karyl McBride

These books focus on narcissistic Mothers and the (sometimes unconscious) negative influence can have on your life. Its painful stuff, but well worth reading.

Good Luck.

[Checquoline]

I thought of an aunt of mine when my cousin graduated from Duke with a masters. "We are so proud of her, we didn't think she would ever get out of grade school". Even a compliment had something negative dragging behind it.