How Making Decisions Can Cause Grief

You've mapped out the pros and cons and assigned values and weight to each factor, yet you still can't decide. Neither choice feels like the right one. You know the decision may not be perfect, but you want it to feel right.

When we make a choice, especially a difficult one, there is a loss, no matter which decision we make. Grieving is painful, and some of us avoid it to our own detriment. I call this the "Trade-off Dilemma."

In my psychotherapy practice as well as in my personal life I've encountered how difficult it is for people to make big decisions:

• Do I quit my job?
• Do I leave my relationship?
• Should I move the family out of state?

Recently, I counseled Peter, a middle-aged man trying to decide whether to leave a high-powered position to move out of state to a job with a smaller salary but closer to his family. He and I talked about what he would lose with each of the choices. Then I asked him, "Which loss can you handle grieving?" This was an "ah-ha" moment for him.

Bereavement theory recognizes five stages in the process. The questions and statements Peter asked and made follow each stage.

• Denial, disbelief and numbness ("Why now? Why me?")
• Anger and blaming others ("The economy is making everything more difficult.")
• Bargaining ("If I stay here, I can afford to travel to see my family more.")
• Depressed mood, sadness and and crying ("I hate getting up and making the commute every morning. It's sad that my children don't really know me.")
• Acceptance and coming to terms ("I'll miss the feeling of satisfaction in the good job I've done, but I'm looking forward to the new challenges. And I'll have the support of my family close by.")

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced these stages in 1969 in her book "On Death and Dying." We now recognize that the stages are not contiguous and often repeat. Grief over death of a loved one has more intensity than the losses that I'm writing about today; however, the process of making a difficult decision can look very similar.

The symptoms of grief, among others, can be crying spells, trouble sleeping and lack of productivity. I've also observed irritability. These feelings and behaviors can occur simultaneously. They can also disappear and return. I have also noticed that when there is a recent loss, an unresolved loss or a pending one, the symptoms increase. Decision making can be further impaired.

Here are some ideas to help you through the decision-making, process:

• Acknowledge that the decision will bring pain. Ask yourself if you have the resources -- both internal and external -- to deal with it.
• Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up without judging it or letting it change your mind.
• Assess which aspect of the loss will be the most difficult for you to handle. For example, "If I divorce, I'll have to share my children and won't see them as much as I want." Or, "If my ex remarries, I'll have to share my children with someone else." Allow yourself to focus on the feelings that arise. If they feel like more than you can handle on your own, seek professional help.
• When you experience symptoms discussed earlier, ask yourself, "Am I grieving the losses that are part of my decision?" Sometimes, simply knowing why you feel a particular emotion makes it more bearable.
• Allow yourself time to let the process unfold. Some losses are harder and take more time than others.

Once a decision is made and the feelings are under control, there can be a honeymoon period, the elation of having decided. Then weeks, months or even years after the change, there can be second thoughts. The reality of what's been given up takes over. The trade off begins to feel powerful. The concept "buyer's remorse" comes to mind. This is a natural part of the process, but re-thinking the decision can be a way of avoiding the feelings of loss. Thoughts such as, "If I had stayed, I wouldn't have to deal with..." may be a return to the bargaining phase or may be distracting you from anger or sadness. It's natural to have a recurrence of the symptoms we experienced during the decision-making process. Acknowledging and accepting our feelings and allowing them to run their course can help us overcome them and reach acceptance. Then we can more fully enjoy the benefits of the new choice.

For more than 20 years, Susan Morales, M.S.W. has explored human behavior through her work as a psychotherapist, and as a student/practitioner of meditation. In addition to using meditation as a device to help clients with issues of anxiety and depression, she offers classes and retreats to women in substance abuse recovery. She developed Be Who You Love Meditation as a method to teach people how to find greater depth of satisfaction in their lives. She blogs on meditation for annarbor.com and Red Room, and was on the editorial board for The Voice of Social Workers: Poets and Writers, a journal recently published by the Michigan chapter of NASW.

 

Comments

[divorcedbreadwinnermom]

12:09 PM on 07/18/2011

This post was timely for me. I am going back and forth about selling my house post-divorce and downsizing now vs. waiting a few years till all my kids are out of high school. I'm going to reflect on your question and the process you suggest and see what comes up. thanks.
Joy, the Divorced Breadwinner Mom

[susanscottmoral]

02:00 AM on 07/19/2011

Joy, I feel compassion for your situation. Sounds like a very tough place to be in. I hope the process is as easeful as possible for you and your family. Best, Susan