After my separation at age 52, I thought I'd simply revert to the lively dating life I'd had in my twenties. It didn't work that way. Most men my age seemed to have an eye only for women whose necks were long and smooth like a Chardonnay bottle.
- I thought cosmetic surgery would help. Then I looked around and, though I saw some women who'd benefitted, I decided the possibility of looking worse was too real. And who wants to have their head stapled anyway?
- I threw my self a divorce party, which was a great way to meet people. Plus it gave me a celebratory Auntie Mame aura.
- At every opportunity, I cultivated new friendships with interesting men to go to dinner with. I never hesitated to call a guy to join me for an outing.
- Everyone said you have to lie about your age. But lying about my age on my online dating profile backfired. If you decide to lie about your age, I suggest preserving the deception. Thinking I was being up front, I'd fess up right away and that was the end before there was even a beginning.
- One friend told me he was fixed up with a woman he liked, but he thought she was too young, 48 to his 56. He wanted to age together with someone. Then he learned she had lied about her age, but he never asked her out again.
- Avoid using the C-word or references to accelerating a relationship too soon. Some men are terrified of commitment, which everyone knows, but after divorce that kind of memory can dim.
- On the other hand, men seem to get scooped up within months of becoming divorced or widowed, so timing is tricky.
- I spent several years with Mr. Wrong and it was a wonderful time. I learned to give up notions I had when I was younger of how someone needed to look or act for me to be attracted. I learned to broaden the narrow universe of available men.
- I weighed the odds. It took going to around 10 singles events to meet one guy I wanted to go out with. Finally I decided I'd rather spend the time going to a movie alone.
- Swing dancing saved me. Just knowing I could go dancing any night of the week gave me a boost. Maybe I'd go once or twice a week. The music, the exercise, the human contact was exhilirating. People were there to dance, so not much for dating opportunities, but doing something I loved was more fun than a mediocre date!
- Every summer I try to take a bike trip. Exercise always elevates the mood. Yoga adds yet another dimension. Being kind to your body helps your soul.
- Going out with couples can be twice the fun.
- Reframing helps. In my case, rather than feeling sorry for myself, I thought about the positives of being able to spend more time with my aging parents. Also I have some treasured friendships that divorce allowed me time to cultivate.
- I compensated for the time my children spent with their dad. For example, I began getting up early so we could all have breakfast together before they went to school (which felt like the 50's, when I was a kid).
- I learned from others. One night I heard Paula Allende on C-Span talking about her daughter Paula, who had died. She referred to the remarkable ability of the human spirit to rise above adversity. Wow, if she could, then so could I. Though of course, the loss of a child is something you never recover from the way you can from a divorce.
- Divorced with kids means "married for life." So if your ex is as devoted to the kids as mine is, then it improves both your and your kids' lives to strive for harmony. We have been taking "family" vacations every summer for around 8 years now. We all look forward to that week.
- Finally, I learned I don't need a man to make me whole, in fact, my newest worry is
What if I meet a guy I like? Then what?
What post-divorce lessons have you learned?
For a poignant tale of post-divorce dating, read my article,
"One Woman's Story of Divorce, Downsizing, Dating and Death." and share your thoughts and advice.
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www.twitter.com/susanorlins
there is one thing that you've left out of your article. any couple, wether they are dating or married MUST have the ability to look into each other's Heart and Soul !!!!! if people had this capability (i realize some don't want it or even understand it), there would be a lot less anger and divorce. judging others must stop, because the one doing the judging will miss many facets of a personality they might/could have wanted.
something else that really bothers me is that if someone has a dis-ability, they're almost immediately dismissed as a potential partner.
i have been divorced since '97 and sometimes, i like being alone, because i am. however, there are other times that i would love to have a special woman in my life, and be able to enjoy life with her.
Always, always, always take the high road-it's less crowded and boasts a much better view. No one can drag you down if you don't let them.
No matter how long it takes, try to make peace with your ex. It'll make you a much better person...and maybe the ex, too.
If you're in good shape and are young at heart, you HAVE to lie about your age in your Match.com profile to find opposite gender prospects like you who otherwise won't see you due to the search criteria. But you have to tell the truth below in your narrative so no one gets PO'd at you later. Both my wife and I did this (yep, we married 1.5 years after meeting online) We're 62 and 61 and she gets away with people thinking she's 48-52. I'd believe it, too. I wasn't averse to an older woman (she's the 62) but I wasn't looking for one. We found each other under false pretenses (and are damn glad we did).
Also, I have an article that you might be interested in. It's entitled "Simple Divorce" and you can read it by visiting this link: http://californiadivorceforms.org/simple-divorce/. Thank you so much!
I nearly always offer to split the bill. If it's clear someone prefers to pay then I find other ways to contribute, such as invitations to dinner chez moi, buying tickets to a performance and the like.
I sense that when my daughters go out on dates, often the guy pays.
I guess we each do what feels natural.
"I nearly always offer to split the bill. If it's clear someone prefers to pay then I find other ways to contributeÂ, such as invitationÂs to dinner chez moi, buying tickets to a performancÂe and the like"... Awesome Susan... Thank you !!! As a guy all I'm asking for is a little two way street - 50/50, it really means a lot to me... IMO Susan you seem like the exception to the rule...
Dating sux...
Aside from financials, there are many ways to select a spouse with lower odds of divorce. People whose parents haven't divorced, completed college, and waited for marriage have lower odds of divorce.
Do, however, check out how the marriage of those parents who didn't divorce is.
Sometimes men who insist there are no advantages for a man to get married just can't find anyone...
Just because "everyone" says to do something, that isn't a very good reason for doing it. Lying about your age in an online dating profile isn't much different from Bernie Madoff telling his clients that he could them a great rate of return if they allowed him to manage their money. Neither statement is true.
You are right: Bernie Madoff and I both lied. And you are also right that just because everyone says to do something is a bad reason to do so.
Yet, unlike with Bernie, I don't think a single life was destroyed by my lying on my online dating profile.
It's true we can date below our age fairly easy. But when I did I heard discussions of my 25 year younger lover that they thought were poignant but I knew I myself had the same discussion for the first time 25 years before and the whole topic had a different feel. It was ground hog day only it rang hollow and empty.
Her friends stared at me alot. They didn't know if they should make a juvenile irresponsible joke just for the crazyness of breaking silent thought so they tempered their jokes around me with mature themes which made it worse. I felt old even though before we went out I felt young. It was not worth the trade off for fresh sexual experiences.
Young people now a days don't associate sexual appetite with relationship or character or personality. They simply accept it for what it is.
Older women have a shipboard manifest of things they expect and associate with romance, nudity, or even the appearance of couple-dom much less sex. It's a garden to some and a briar patch to others.
Men don't retain as much luggage late in life and they don't drag it around from date to date unpacking it. They revert back to their 20's.
I'll end with I met a woman my age and we've been together for 3 years now.
I will dispute your comment about men not retaining luggage late in life. Try dating one! But women do too. Maybe you have met someone with luggage that is compatible with yours.
I don't know many men who date routinely that drag luggage around. Most that I've met and know tend to be immature as possible or at least as immature as they can be.
I met my wife online. I didnt use the websites for dating. Most people I met online just wanted to spice up their dating life which isn't what I wanted. I am terrible with choosing the wrong women. Always have been. I tend to pick interesting or sexy but never stable or balanced. So this time I committed to myself to appreciate the woman in writing only. I made the comment in my philosophy "if I'm not attracted to you in writing your photo won't matter."
I was browsing profiles and found a woman who was TERRIBLE at creating a profile. She was way way too honest and clearly didn't understand the sublte nuances of casting herself in a pictorial essay of adjectives ha ha. She even had a somewhat sad photo. I was compelled to talk to her just to see she was this honest.
We talked for hours (in writing) for about two weeks. Then I gave in and we met for a short two drink date over wine. She wasnt very attractive but I didn't seem to care.
She's filled my heart full.
I could breath
I loved freedom, to get off work Friday night and do whatever I wanted to do was totally awesome and I missed it so very much. Just the freedom not to clear what you want to do with someone.
I liked to be myself. I can say something completely off color and enjoy people's reaction. When your married you have to project a more "appropriate" expression that compliments both of you.
I liked being seen by women as a potential sexual partner. Their mannerism changes. It's more real. When your married women put on an act around you.
I have no more married friends, their wives wont let their husband anywhere near me.
I have no coupled friends.
I am alone on holidays. Nobody cares about my day at work. The silly thing I saw at the grocery store.
I can't watch romantic movies. I avoid holiday events publicly. I go where nobody would care about the event.
I drink more.
I don't sleep as much.
Jokes are funnier. I laugh about things so hard I feel like I'm going to break a rib.
I retain what I'm reading.
I am not as forgiving. Instead of thinking, she must have been in a hurry to have dressed that way. I think she must have a hygeine problem since her slip is on backwards.
I cry alot more
The sex is awesomely indulgent
The one thing I don't like about this essay is that it ends with the thought that even after she has found this wonderful new sense of freedom (Bike trips! Yoga retreats! Swing dancing! It all sounds so much better than chasing after men) she still might meet a guy she likes. Statistically speaking, no you won't, Susan and that's OK . Somebody needs to organize that swing dance club and it might as well be you.
Ok, you got me. I never did meet a woman's eyes across the room. But if I had, I would have wondered "Hmm, how does she feel about me."
In any relationship, there are things you have to give up, but that's usually okay because you think you're getting more than you're leaving behind. That's what I thought anyway. In the end I guess I was wrong. For me, dating doesn't have much appeal 9 months after the split. I just want to focus on the kids and on getting myself back to that good place I was in 20 years ago, a place that didn't require someone else to complete me.
This has nothing to do with you, but I have friends who are divorced, both male and female. And in every case my friends are the ones who were wronged. How I'd love to hear what the other side has to say.
That modern divorce totally favors the females - they will get the children, the house, the child support and alimony. That big government will back them up but do nothing for you should they "gatekeep" your children or spend your child support on their new boyfriend or move out of state.
I was vice-president of a 70 person company and by the time my boarder line personality ex got through with me, I was forced to live in my car for two years and in a rented room for the two years after that.
I'm always amazed when I meet any man who tries marriage a second time and am not surprised the author has trouble meeting men who want to "commit". Maybe they are just too smart, having been burned once by a system that is currently designed to ruin them.
That is what I learned from marriage and divorce - American style.
But not all ex's view it that way. When I see how cruelly formerly-marrieds treat each other at the expense of the kids, I sometimes think hate is stronger than love.
I wish you well.
I think that it will give you a different perspective on the matter.
Meanwhile, take pride in the fact that you and your ex placed your children's welfare first. So many people don't.
Thanks for the sympathy. And I should have mentioned that you are wise and wonderful to stay on friendly terms with your ex for your children's sake. I wish more women would think along those lines.
Sad to say, many divorced women (if not the majority from what I've witnessed here in Washington state) do their best to cut the father of the children out of their lives. Divorced fathers here are looked upon as human wallets and little else.
It's a sad state of affairs in the Pacific Northwest. Over forty percent of men and women under 40 are single in Seattle - and it is only going to get worse as men step back from marriage.
After the divorce was final I then lost the job I had, so I filed a motion for temp. relief due to my unemployment and it was denied, so they garnished more than half my UI. So I had to move in with the basement of my sisters house.
Then I found out my x had become a legal prostitute working in Nevada and starring in porno movies on the internet. Nice huh. I took her back to court because I am still unemployed and argued she was making more money than me, therefore she didn't need my support. Motion denied. There's something wrong man.