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Susan Pease Gadoua

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My Mother's Second Husband Was My Brother

Posted: 07/28/11 01:25 PM ET

When my parents divorced, thirty years ago, my younger brother was the only one of the five kids who hadn't gone of to college yet. As the "only child" at home, my mother leaned on him heavily and, as so many lonely parents do, she turned him in to her surrogate husband.

My brother spent the next three decades of his life anticipating and meeting my mother's needs. He even went so far as to live next door to her so that he could be close enough to her if and when she called but have a sense of separation too. After all, he had a wife and daughter who needed him at home.

Making a child the stand in for the spouse you lost, be it through divorce or death, is not unusual. It happens all the time. 

From a Family Systems perspective, this dynamic makes perfect sense. When one member of the system leaves, another one will step up and take its place. This is nature's way of maintaining a sense of balance. The scientific term for this phenomenon is "homeostasis."

Additionally, nature hates a vacuum so when a space as large as a mother or father becomes vacant, something or someone will unconsciously and automatically want to fill it.

Those who are using their children to get their emotional needs met may believe that the new arrangement is a good one because, as they see it, everyone benefits: they get their needs met and their children benefit because they get to feel useful and loved. The adults may not realize that there is nothing truly positive about putting your children in this position. Turning your eleven-year-old or, for that matter, your 17-year-old, into your mate, friend or equal is known as "parentifying" him and it can be very damaging.

Asking a child to play the role of an adult and it is a heavy burden for most children. In many cases, the troubles shared with children (who don't have the coping skills or life experience to know how to deal with them) leave the child feeling hopeless and helpless. Rather than augmenting a child's self-esteem, the constant feeling of futility can lead to lower self worth.


It's not only parents imposing this role on their children. Some children see what is needed (or at least what they think is needed) and offer to fill the spot. For every story I hear about a parent leaning too heavily on a child, I hear about a child who wants to be seen as "the man of the house now," or "dad's caretaker." 
It can feel like a sweet protective gesture but, as the parent, it is your job to protect your child, not the other way around.

How the Surrogate Spouse Role Impacts a Child's Adult Relationships


This level of parent-child enmeshment fosters unhealthy co-dependence. The child who was trained so well to anticipate the needs of its parent will, without awareness or intervention, carry this trait on into his or her adult relationships.


A daughter who later becomes a wife may suppress her own needs and not speak her own truth in her marriage. This in turn leads her into toxic rages or might cause her to act out by having an affair.


Because she was trained not to ask for what she needed, it never occurred to her to do so. Meanwhile, she merely had to state what she needed and her husband would have responded positively.


A son may grow up with a pattern of setting himself up to be a doormat by doting on his partner who is only to happy to have a one-sided relationship. 


Those with learned helpessness may become chronic under-earners and those with an over inflated need to please may unconsciously turn into workaholics.


How to Avoid The Parentification Trap 


It is unequivocally an indication that the adult in the family is not getting her needs met sufficiently. Understanding the signs of what some professionals refer to as Emotional Incest or Surrogate Spouse Syndrome can prevent life-long damage to the children who otherwise have no choice but to be there for their needy parent.


Here are a few signs that you may be leaning too heavily on your son or daughter:


1. You forego plans with friends or peers to attend events with and for your child;
2. You tell your child more about the marriage or divorce than you tell friends or peers;
3. You don't go to therapy or seek professional help despite intense emotions because you have your child to lean on;
4. You often tell your child how much they have helped you and that "you don't know what you'd do without them;"
5. Your child foregoes plans with friends or peers to attend events with and for you;
6. Your child asks questions about your marriage or divorce.

If you have any of these dynamics in your parent-child relationship, my recommendation is that you seek professional support as soon as possible to change it. You will get more adequate and appropriate help and your child will be able to have healthier, age-appropriate relationships.


Suggested Reading:  
-Silently Seduced: When Parents Make their Children Partners, Understanding Covert Incest, by Kenneth M. Adams, Ph.D., Health Communications, Deerfield Beach, FL (1991)
-The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life, by Dr. Patricia Love
- When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment, Kenneth Adams and Alexander Morgan

 

 
 
 

Follow Susan Pease Gadoua on Twitter: www.twitter.com/spgadoua

When my parents divorced, thirty years ago, my younger brother was the only one of the five kids who hadn't gone of to college yet. As the "only child" at home, my mother leaned on him heavily and, as...
When my parents divorced, thirty years ago, my younger brother was the only one of the five kids who hadn't gone of to college yet. As the "only child" at home, my mother leaned on him heavily and, as...
 
 
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Esmerelda Foofypants
Corporate feudalism can suck it.
12:33 PM on 07/30/2011
You want scary parentifying? After his parents' divorce, my husband learned how to operate a stove and oven, and how to prepare meals for his family at the age of FIVE.

How many parents here would allow their five year olds to use a stove and oven?

That's actually a very mild example of the kind of parentification he experienced. My MiL is a real piece of work.
08:50 AM on 07/30/2011
***My Mother's Second Husband Was My Brother***


Lonestar - "So....what does that make us?"

Dark Helmet - "Absolutely nothing"
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sanfran55
07:47 AM on 07/30/2011
Would this writer describe the Japanese culture, who take care of their elderly parents, usually in the same home, the same way? That because the elderly became more dependant on the children, that they are "married"? I had neighbors who had a Japanese mother living with them - were they all "married"?

We all know that divorce affects so many more people than just the 2 parties involved - that is nothing new and a sad fact.

I agree that - ideally - children should not have adult burdens placed on them prematurely. But in an ideal world no one would die or get divorced, either.
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divorcedpauline
11:35 AM on 07/29/2011
Great piece and explanation of how parentifcation occurs and what it looks like. But it doesn't only happen in divorced families -- it can just as easily happen in in tact families where the parents aren't meeting each other's needs.
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belle27
01:05 PM on 07/29/2011
Yes -- in fact, it often happens with fathers who are alcoholics and their daughters. That was my situation. It took me years to figure out what was going on and why I felt so much guilt regarding my father's difficulties: it was because I was his spousal stand-in, and the one he told his troubles to, not my mom. There's a book called Perfect Daughters that explains this phenomenon quite well.
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Ocheco
01:19 PM on 07/29/2011
Yeah!!
10:33 AM on 07/29/2011
After my parents' divorce, my mother entered a stable, long-term relationship much quicker than my father, who tended to rely on me for a lot of household things, especially after I moved back home when I finished college. I worked for him and was expected to prepare dinner and keep the house clean. He consulted with me whenever he made a big decision (like buying a new television), and generally assumed that my free time would be spent with him. Whenever I would stay at my mom's (usually a few nights a week), he'd often call to ask where things were or to confirm plans for the weekend. I don't really consider it a coincidence that after I moved out of the area last year, his girlfriend moved in almost right away, and they went from "in a relationship" to "engaged" to "married" very quickly. Some parents, after going 20 years being a spouse, even if they were unhappy, find that they relied on having another person more than they realized. I feel that the author's mother was one of these people, as was my dad. He doesn't really know how to run his life without SOMEONE else around, be it a daughter or significant other.
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belle27
09:06 AM on 07/29/2011
I have seen a lot of this. Not only opposite sex kids, either. Often, a divorcing parent who is hurting will turn to the eldest child and give him/her spousal status. It's such a heavy burden to place on a child, even if they seem to relish the privilege. Not only that, but it serves to alienate the child from the other parent. Sadly, most people doing this are not going to be honest enough with themselves to put a stop to it.
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Ocheco
01:23 PM on 07/29/2011
Yes I am experiencing this resistance in my adult relationship with a newly divorced man. The father daughter dynamic existed all along in his marriage & his exs' mental illness likely fed it. Both parents are participating in poisoning the child's future & the father's current relationship.
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SonyaInTx
Money doesn't buy class.....
01:15 AM on 07/29/2011
My husband recognized that his mother was trying to make him fill his father's shoes after he died. The anger my mother in law had at his refusal to play his father's role to his siblings damaged the relationship beyond repair. I wish more parents could stay aware of what they are asking their children to do in the wake of a death in the family....
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12:42 PM on 07/30/2011
Just curious, what did his Mother want him to do that he refused to do?
11:38 PM on 07/28/2011
Yet another reason why we need to do more to discourage someone from initiating a divorce when children are present.
garystartswithg
el sueno de la razon produce republicans
08:45 PM on 07/28/2011
I smell a lifetime movie.
08:33 PM on 07/28/2011
So, her Mom didn't actually marry her brother.

I guess the article wouldn't have gathered as much attention if the headline was "My Mother Parentified My Brother".
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Ocheco
01:36 PM on 07/29/2011
When you are standing in the middle of this, it is damaging. It may be subtle, but the long term damage is not.
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henrypapillon
Mitt--free up the last 9 years' taxes
07:49 PM on 07/28/2011
And there are daughters who become virtual wives.
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Knowledgeseeker
07:07 PM on 07/28/2011
this sound like Jerry Springer
07:23 PM on 07/28/2011
Unfortunately it is reality in some families. Sad but true.
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jf12
Occupying myself
02:24 PM on 07/28/2011
Exactly how many wives are there who "suppress her own needs and not speak her own truth in her marriage"? I think the names of all of them could be listed in 140 chars or less.
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GraniteSkyline
I wish you happiness!
10:10 PM on 07/28/2011
?
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Ocheco
01:40 PM on 07/29/2011
There are so many ways to lie & both sexes can be guilty of this. Where is the recent link here on HP? There was a great description of a woman (easily be a man) acquiescing, saying I love Thai food, to please a date. She hated it. Same thing in bed, acting pleased when she was not, all to stay in the relationship. What does the entire relationship become? A lie with the poor man thinking he has a satisfied, Thai food loving girlfriend, when what he has is a liar.
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jf12
Occupying myself
01:47 PM on 07/29/2011
Since you didn't like the question as posed about wives, how about husbands? How many husbands don't bite their tongue off every day?
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Vicki Larson
Journalist, mother, thinker
12:56 PM on 07/28/2011
Great post, Susan. We're usually such emotional messes right after a split that it's easy to depend on your kids a little more than usual. And, as you say, they can take the role on themselves; in fact, one of my sons said to me shortly after my divorce, "I'm the man of the house now." That kind of blew me away. Since then, I tried to make sure he knew he didn't have to take on that responsibility. Of course, that means I still have to nag him to take out the garbage! ;-)
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intellectualTradition
corruptisima re publica plurimae leges
02:16 PM on 07/28/2011
imagine if you hadn't 'gone liberal' the better choices you would have made
lovelybunchofcoconuts
It's nice, to be nice, to the nice
04:13 PM on 07/28/2011
Conservative women always make good relationship decisions? Fascinating.
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OldJazzyGirl
Sick of the fracked up righties.
05:31 PM on 07/28/2011
Spoken like a true, "men are entitled to superiority" RW man.
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Susan Pease Gadoua
12:42 AM on 07/29/2011
hi Vicki, Thanks. Yes, you were one of two stories I heard in the span of a week where the kids felt they had to be the other parent. Funny how they want to be the man when it comes to bossing you around but not when there are chores to be done or bills to be paid! (-: