In my last Huffington Post article, I wrote about some of the reasons people get married other than love.
While most of those who responded thought the article had several good points, some told me in no uncertain terms that my ideas were not novel, and the religiously-minded readers were infuriated by my lack of focus on the holy nature of marriage.
What I found interesting about the responses to the "Whys" of marriage was how vehement those with the religious bent are that there is only one real reason to marry and no good reason to divorce. People also spoke as if their concept of marriage was the only way humans should ever (or have ever) marry.
Yet, marriage has had a rich history throughout time and throughout all cultures. It has gone from being a transaction overseen by Civil Authorities (wherein a wife could be purchased) to an entity of the Church (wherein two people became one "being" under God).
Today, while most people get married in a religious building with the officiant being some type of clergy, they are not legally married until the the filing fees have been paid and the marriage license has been recorded with the local courthouse. So, while God may have clout with some, He/She/It doesn't have enough clout to stand alone in our culture when it comes to marriage.
Throughout the rest of the world, there are dozens of accepted forms of unions in practice -- arranged marriages, marriages that must comply with a caste system (India, for example), those that include multiple wives (as with certain Muslim traditions), even a few that have multiple husbands (the Nyinba people of Nepal) and polyandry where both men and women can have multiple spouses (the Amazon Zoe tribe).
Like marriage, divorce has changed shape throughout the millennia as well: It has gone from being no big deal and easy to obtain (with the Greeks and Romans), to becoming illegal (Medieval Europe), immoral (Roman Catholic Church) and legal again in much of the Western world.
We are generally not taught much about how those around the globe practice marriage so it can be tempting to think "my/our way is the best way."
Take Tara Klinges from Philadelphia, for example. She wrote:
"This is deeply disturbing and sad to me and goes against everything that Marriage does stand for under God, love and family. ConÂtracts,types,terms,renewals,termination dates? You make it sound like you're at a deli ordering a custom sandwich. Hold the Mayo, umm, yes I will take pickles, but on the side please.Or a all inclusive travel package at Sandals."
Some interesting dialogues took place between readers as well.
Shirlcare: "[Susan] also missed the foundation is God, mixed with hard work, respect, commitmentÂ, and a bulldog tenacity to stick through the worst of times, endure it, and celebrate the best of times..."
Jasminefay7: "She did not "miss the foundation is God," she didn't put it in there because that's not true."
And ShelleyintheWest wrote, "Let's talk about what marriage has always meant, and why we shouldn't undo what God knew was best."
The responses she got to this comment were:
Apduncan: "Which god?"
DesiresSilence: "Who's god? The institution of marriage predates reliable recorded history. So not the Christian god, or any god for that matter that's in modern circulation. it was a business contract, short and sweet. Anybody who tells you otherwise, is trying to sell something, or solicit you for money. Which is what most religions do, so I guess it makes sense that you'd be mistaken in your belief."
Maritess420: "If we went by everything your 'god' says about marriage women would still be treated as property, which is really where the institution of marriage comes from. Don't get me started on what 'god' knows is best when there are millions of suffering children on this planet. Lets talk about the reality that one person cannot necessarily meet all of the needs of another person and how selfish it can be to put that burden on someone. Or about how everyone treats love as if it is some finite commodity."
Phoenix Lady: "You weren't raised by my parents. I begged my mother to leave my father from the time I was 12 years old on. Children are better off in single parent households if the alternative is parent in an abusive relationship. Don't tell me that is what God wants because it is not so."
I'm not religious, but I remember reading a passage from the The Bible at my sister's wedding from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV): "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
If this argument is truly about God, then it seems to me that there wouldn't be just one way to marry.
Susan Pease Gadoua and Vicki Larson are collaborating on a project on reimagining marriage, If you interested in being a part of their research, please contact Susan or Vicki at info@changingmarriage.com.
Follow Susan Pease Gadoua on Twitter: www.twitter.com/spgadoua
Truly monogamous couples with a generally harmonious relationship, who stay together for a lifetime, are often admired in any society. However every culture must also provide formally married individuals with a legal means to change intimate partners.
There are basically two choices for legally changing ones intimate partner, within a context of formal marriage: 1. polygamy 2. divorce and remarriage. See John Cairncross, After Polygamy Was Made a Sin: The Social History of Christian Polygamy. The more sacrosanct the view of marriage, and unwillingness to end marriage bonds, the greater the tendency to polygamy. If real relational monogamy and honesty are valued, the stronger the tendency to divorce and remarriage.
http://www.arnoldwadsworth.com
endlessly repeating that women are responsible for most divorces (and you or i will never know the absolute truth despite claims) keeps someone trapped in a narrow perception. it's always more complicated than raw data.
here's another interpretation: there may be men who are content to remain in a marriage where the spouse is treated as a housekeeper/cook/servant. that might explain why women might file for divorce. superficial read of the situation - sure, she filed. who wouldn't?
50 years ago most women didn't work outside the home. it wasn't long before that that women were chattel within marriage. i suspect that the recent leveling of the legal playing field in many areas of culture appears to those who would have historically been in the dominant position to be a threat. that may be unfair, but that’s too bad.
i've attempted to keep this discussion on a courteous level but it's apparent that is not possible. gentlemen - if you've always demonstrated the bitterness in evidence here, i suggest you look inside and stop blaming others for your life.
It really is the case, supported by many studies over many years in many countries and cultures, that women initiate the vast majority of divorces, and usually not for serious breaches of marital vows.
For the past decade, the overall American divorce rate has remained stable, at around 50% for first marriages. The statistics are become more depressing for each successive marriage, with 65% of second marriages ending in divorce and even higher rates for third marriages and beyond. Divorce rate statistics show that 3.6 to 5% of marriages are ending every year, cumulating in a large portion of adults who have personally experienced divorce at some point in their lives.
Top Reason for Divorce
Money problems are often cited as the number one cause of divorce in America, but it's impossible to calculate because they are part of a larger cause usually called 'irreconcilable differences', which basically means that couple couldn't get along. These account for about half of all American divorces. Another key cause is adultery, with an estimated quarter of marriages dissolving for this reason. Surprisingly, very few people cite outright abuse as a cause of divorce."
http://www.divorceguide.com/usa/divorce-information/divorce-statistics-in-the-usa.html
this was only one post out of 22,700,000 hits on google for 'causes of divorce.' if someone wishes to waste time continuing to blame others for their their unhappiness, please feel free. i'm going to use my time to live.
i wish you and your scholarly studies a wonderful life.
How exactly will "lose your Ego, lose your Pride, learn to love and accept one another and enjoy the ride" make this all better?
Personally, I reject that solution. My response is to educate people about reality, suggest possible reforms and continue to ask questions that people would prefer I not ask. In my opinion, those are the most important questions to ask.
On a side note, what's the point of expending bandwidth on a comment like, "Man and Woman. Two very different, but yet the same." You can write whatever you want, of course, but for crying out loud, what is that supposed to mean, and how does it advance the conversation? It's just profound-sounding empty harrumphing as far as I can tell. Could you explain why you felt compelled to share this? And perhaps even inflict a fact or two on us along with your insight?
The Bible appears to offer the most comprehensive set of explanations for the human experience, in the perspective of the author of this comment. Consequently, said author appears to consider the Bible to warrant significant influence upon the perspective of said author.
The Bible appears to suggest that God is (a) the omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent creator of all that is, including the creator of mating and (b) the standard of right and wrong, including the standard for mating.
The Bible appears to suggest, that God’s original design included mating, yet appears to include little, if any, reference to the institution of marriage. Perhaps, to some extent, therefore, the institution of marriage is fundamentally a humanly-developed institution. Perhaps marriage, therefore, is a humanly-designed standard for mating.
I welcome your thoughts.
There appears to be some Biblical support for marriage, although I do not claim authoritative knowledge thereof. A Bible text search of “marr†appears to yield first occurrence at Genesis 19:14. Consequently, the *terminology* of “marriage†appears to be not too far-removed from the apparent beginning of Biblical history.
The actual events that the term refers to (assuming the events’ literal occurrence) appear to be reasonably considered to somewhat constitute conjecture. An apparently reasonable suggestion appears to be that neither a white steeple nor organist were involved. :)
The above is not intended to suggest complete aversion to the concept of a humanly-developed marriage. For example, the Bible also appears to suggest that God created humanity “in the altogether†as the saying seems to go and this commenter appears to be somewhat less than averse to a certain amount of apparently humanly-originated “sartorialismâ€. :)
I welcome your thoughts.
To me, the highly relevant, indisputable fact about divorce ignored by this writer, like virtually all writers on the topic, is that divorce is essentially a female phenomenon. Surveys of divorced couples indicate that women initiate nearly three times as many divorces as men, and also that their reasons are usually psychological, having to do with a desire to improve their personal happiness, rather in reaction to abuse, infidelity, alcoholism or another serious breach of marital vows.
Rather than examining the role that superstition plays in divorce, I'd rather see a discussion of the role that women's feelings of entitlement play in divorce.
statistics aren't truth.
although there may be some statistical evidence that woman may instigate divorce more often than men (which i question, btw), we don't have the entire backstory. would you condem a woman for filing for divorce if her husband is beating her or their children, or if he's having an affair(s)? the list could go on, and i'm certain the same arguments can be made from the male pov.
do you think a man (or woman) who trashes their marriage vows without filing for divorce isn't equally at fault when the marriage fails?
that divorce is "essentially a female phenomenon" is absurd. the last time i looked, in traditional marriage there was a man and a woman. which spouse files, usually after some catastrophic event occurs, is probably pretty evenly distributed.
Nothing you've said suggests you have the slightest idea what you're talking about when it comes to divorce, beyond perhaps your personal experiences or those of your friends. Questioning whether women instigate divorce more often than men confirms profound ignorance. This is a well-substantiated fact, found repeatedly in surveys of divorced couples reported in peer-reviewed research journals. Many of these surveys also asked for reasons for the divorce, and nothing that could be construed as a catastrophic event ranks highly. It's usually because the wife feels unloved and unappreciated, wants more communication or feels disconnected from her partner.
Statistics aren't truth, true enough. But they improve on ignorant closed-minded prejudice.
not exactly what i'd call improvement in personal happiness.
your misogyny is showing, i'm afraid.
On the topic of divorce and women's finances, I submit that there is more to life than money. In fact, I'd say that the vast majority of people would rank having, raising and enjoying children to be hugely more important than money. And when it comes to that category of what we might call emotional income, divorce immeasurably enriches women while profoundly impoverishing men -- not to mention the children deprived of the active involvement of one of their two parents.
Money is easy to track, certainly. When we look at, for instance, child support payments in the U.S. we find about $27 billion annually flowing from non-custodial parents (almost always men) to custodial parents (almost always women.)
If women initiate divorces in the pursuit of their personal happiness, in the process robbing their children and former spouses of each other's company and involvement, they might expect some associated inconveniences.
On a positive note, what do you suggest as a means of alleviating the poverty of divorced mothers? Any ideas?