Good Grief: As told to Allison Gilbert by Mariel Hemingway, Geraldine Ferraro, Hope Edelman and Me

...on Loss, Hope and Empowerment

My mother died a few days shy of the birth of my sister's first and only child. My brother was by our dying mother's side. My father died six years later - alone. Not a day goes by when I don't wish I could share a detail of my life with my mom. Ask her about the time when... I wish I could turn to my dad for advice. But picture this: Actress Mariel Hemingway, former Queens Congresswoman Geraldine Ferraro, award-winning author Hope Edelman share the 92nd Street Y stage to talk about their dead parents. Their intimate stories were woven together by investigative journalist, television producer and writer, Allison Gilbert, also on stage and in her book. Psychotherapist, Lois F. Akner, who wrote How to Survive the Loss of a Parent: A Guide for Adults, moderated the discussion on ways individuals "repair, rebound and rebuild" their lives when they experience loss. I was all ears.

Allison Gilbert took the private subject of parent death and made it public in her book. Parentless celebrities including Ice-T and Dennis Franz, social critic Barbara Ehrenreich, and singer/songwriter Roseanne Cash are interviewed side-by-side with those who lost their parents in the Oklahoma City bombing, the crash of TWA 800 and the September 11 terrorist attacks. Allison explained that she was inspired to write the book when she lost both of her parents. She sought coping skills and comfort in the common experience. In finding out about how real people cope with their pain and by asking questions, (which are listed in the appendix and range from unresolved issues, family dynamics, reshaping your future, rituals and reminders, belongings and personal property, lessons learned to moving on) Always Too Soon a chord whether you've lost a parent or not, if you anticipate it or not.

Following the death of her parents, Mariel Hemingway came to realize that she had to grow up. Mariel's mother was sick with lung disease from the time she was eleven and died when the actress was twenty-eight; her father died when she was thirty-nine. Being a Hemingway had its challenges. Her father, Ernest Hemingway's son, always wanted to be a writer, but with large shoes to fill, it was difficult for him. Mariel, "a generation removed," succeeded in taking a left turn and chose the path of actress. To cope with each loss, Mariel "wrote in her journal." The process helped her work through her feelings and discover what mattered to her most. Mariel realized she no longer had anything to prove and ultimately became her own parent. She's since written her memoir, Finding My Balance, and Healthy Living from the Inside Out.

Geraldine Ferraro, who wrote Ferraro: My Story defended her decision to become visible on the issue of parent-loss as a tribute to her mother who was almost 85 when she died. "It wasn't easier just because my mother was older and I was older when she passed away, I don't care how old they are, it hurts when they die." She explained, were it not for the loss of her father when she was eight years old, she would not be the person she is today; a prosecuting attorney, a member of the United States Congress and the first woman in this country to run as a vice-presidential candidate on a national party ticket. Her mother's death changed her role in her family, transferring attention she'd paid to her mother to her children. Up until her mother's death, she and her husband called their mothers whenever they returned from a trip. Upon returning from the first trip that followed her mother's death, her husband called his mom. Ms. Ferraro was devastated because she had no one to call. Over time, she developed the habit of phoning one of her daughters. Nowadays, if she doesn't, the phone rings from the other end, "What, you don't call?"

Hope Edelman, the author of a number of books including Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss and Motherless Mothers: How Mother Loss Shapes the Parents We Become and a widely respected authority on the subject has created a niche in the "mother-less" space having lost her own when she was seventeen. Surviving the loss of her mother at a young age and knowing first hand how that affects a child, Hope shared her anxiety about her own death and leaving her daughters motherless. She goes "all out" to provide her children with memory books and intense documentation about their childhoods for when she is no longer around. She is the same age now as her mother was when she died. A milestone, to say the least, she lives a healthy life (not that her mother didn't) and does what she can to promote healthy habits at home. Hope's father died last year. Since then, the dynamics of Hope's extended family have changed. She and her siblings share a common past but not the present holidays or traditions. Until their father's death, the bond of the living parent kept them in closer contact. Though heart-wrenching, being parentless gives her a sense of relief that this part of life, the loss of her parents, is behind her. She no longer has to anticipate their loss. She discovered that only after their death could she "parent herself, nurture herself, and treat herself with the kind of respect and unconditional love that a parent could give."

My parents weren't perfect. I moved away from home twenty-five years ago. Now, married and the mother of two, I recently moved to the very city in which I was born. Not surprisingly, my dead parents are very much alive in my memories. Allison Gilbert's dialogue with Mariel Hemingway, Geraldine Ferraro and Hope Edelman, among others, is inspirational. Given the universal experience of parent-loss and witnessing others abilities to cope and move on, I hope to accept my parents as flawed, appreciate their genuine goodness and ultimately, be free to be me. I wish I'd had Allison's book nine years ago.

 

Follow Susan Sawyers on Twitter: www.twitter.com/SuSaw