While writing my book on the trials and tribulations of female friendship that came out last fall, several women spoke of the importance of setting an example for their daughters when it came to female bonds. For instance, if you, as the mother, are a jealous friend, a misery-lover, or a user, then you are setting a poor example for your daughter. If you are a sharer, a mirroring friend, or the authentic friend, then there is solace and safety in your friendships, and your daughter does well to consider you as her model. Either way, few of us can deny that female friendships are complicated for women of all ages. Certainly mothers and daughters alike strive to have healthy friendships among their peers, despite the obstacles. But what about another scenario, one in which mothers and daughters prefer to be in a friendship rather than a parent-child relationship?
Not that we haven't heard of it before, but this lack of hierarchy between mother and daughter is both a growing trend and a dicey proposition. Beyond that, there are mothers who consider this a successful way to go; in fact, a survey by Kelton research shows that 71 percent of women between the ages of 21 and 54 counted their mothers among their best friends. And while this might seem suitable for the mothers and daughters who subscribe to this concept, a pecking order between mother and daughter is actually a wiser and better balanced method of mothering than being enmeshed with our daughters. Still, mothers who choose the "BFF" route justify their actions. One mother, 35, with six-year-old twin girls, is an advocate. She told me that her daughters were her best friends and that she never wanted the mother-daughter relationship she'd had with her own mother. "My mother was in charge. She had all this power, and basically I did what she wanted. I vowed that one day I'd be a better mother if I had daughters. I'd be easier, lighter ... I'd do things with them."
Ironically in our culture, as our daughters need to feel safe now more than ever before, mothers consider the friendship role as an option, and to this end, they blur the boundaries and confuse the relationship. If you are busy being your daughter's friend, you certainly aren't protecting her, whether she is 10, 20 or 30 years old. It takes guts to stand one's ground on this topic; it takes courage to be a mother, to be harsher, stricter, tougher. One mother, 48, with a 17-year-old daughter, said that her decision to be a "drill sergeant" at times was "horrible but worth it." She says:
My daughter can't stand when I lay down the law or when I tell her what she has to do. She says the other mothers are nicer and act like friends to their daughters. They probably are nicer. But in the end, I think she respects me more for what I've done. Secretly, I would have preferred to be her pal. Why not? It's more fun. But I knew I had to be in charge, for her sake and mine.
Another advantage of mothers and daughters having a hierarchical relationship is that it also allows the mother and daughter to have age-appropriate friendships with their peers. Sure, there are times when it's enticing to be with your daughter the way you would be with a friend. Say you're a single mother and you have no plans on Saturday night and your daughter, 20, is home for the weekend from college and will spend time with you until about 10 p.m., when her night really begins and she goes out. It's tempting to fill your loneliness with her company, but deep down you know that it isn't in either of your best interests. If you can anticipate this scenario and can be honest with yourself, you'll avoid it. Instead, you'll call one of your friends and make a plan, just as your daughter has done, and in this way you won't jeopardize the mother-daughter bond or allow your daughter to feel guilty. The truth is, someone has to be the adult, and because you're the mother, it's you. That means that you respect your daughter's independence and she respects yours, and you have lives of your own, each with the friends you choose.
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Or are the male relationship dynamics much different?
I've always told them, I am NOT your friend, I am your parent, YOU are not my peer. As your parent I have a responsilbility that affords me the right to know where you're going and with whom. I'm held accountable for you because you're a minor. Friends are not held accountable for your actions, but parents are.
I reminded them and their brother, when they each turned 18, that I was no longer required by law, to house, clothe, feed, or be responsible for their actions anymore, especially if they broke the law. That was the hardest thing for them to hear. They each said, "Well, I'm still your kid. " I laughed and said yes, you're still my kid. So, there was never any issue about being a friend or not, but it meant everything that I would still be their parent no matter how old they are. Your friends don't care if your eating a home cooked meal, or just need a hug.
I think these women who want to be friends with their kids , are STILL sort of children, determined not to conform, even when they become parents. So they rebel against their own childhood through their kids. But, I agree, a Mom is more than a best friend. so is a daughter. Fanned and Faved
This is unbelievably stupid and dangerous on this mother's part. Her daughters are SIX YEARS OLD!!! They are too young to be an adults best friends. They need kindness, but also direction and boundaries to be set AND enforced. And they may need a drill sergeant as well!! This mother sounds like a real twit to me. If she's really as dumb as she sounds, she will probably pay for her lax parenting soon enough.
Moms being BFF are a VERY BAD idea.
Why ? I'll tell you briefly. The teenager doesn't see you as you see yourself. She sees you as a peer with strange values, bad taste and terrible jokes, and poor skin. Why in God's green earth would she listen to you when it comes to advice, or help or guidance or safety ? Here's a hint : She wont. EVER.
Be an adult, suck it up, your in charge and its your responsibility what happens to her. Your investing in creating a person with better character than you. That takes great work and diligent discipline and focus.
You can't help her if she's your peer.
You might feel better about YOUR life and you would have created a friend for you to eat popcorn and watch movies but lets be adults for a second and face realty : YOUR BEING LAZY. GO GET YOUR OWN FRIENDS.
If you do it all right, she'll grow to be your BFF and maybe help you when your both older. She's not a pet she's a human. Your prepare her and kick ass out of the nest and pray she flies. Better than we did. Thats your blessing thats your job.
1. to tell you "no, you can't get your way" so that you will be prepared for this world of disappointments. I can not have you live in a world where you think your words and wishes will be tended to every minute.
2. to tell you that you can not and better not go out wearing what you think YOU should wear because that's what your friends are wearing. You will be judged on your appearance. If you look loose, you will be treated loose. Respect yourself and dress respectfully; then others will respect you.
3. to let you know that nothing you can think of or do will ever go unnoticed. Yes, I will smile with delight at all of your accomplishments and awards. No one will be your biggest fan, but don't think you can pull the wool over my eyes either.
4. to give you love and support. No matter what happens in this world, I am your mother and I will always love you...NO MATTER WHAT! Friends are not always this loyal.
I am your mother not your friend. I don't want to be your friend, I love you more than that. My discipline comes with love, my rules are for your own good. I am your mother, your fan, your audience, and your cheering section...and that will never change.
The same is true of parenting. Typically people see teen parenting as a less than optimal situation, because teens aren't ready to be parents. They are still children themselves and haven't had the experiences that lead one to be a good parent. So why should an "adult" who does have this knowledge base think that he or she should be on an equal level with his or her own child? This discounts the experience and learning a parent should bring to the table, and ignores that the child, even a teenage child doesn't have that knowledge yet.
My son is ten, and I am continually frustrated by the number of classmates he has that are in this "parents as friends" situation. A parent is there to guide, and doing so sometimes means taking the reins or doing things that are less than popular.
As a woman who had to deal with a mother with Narcissistic Personality disorder, who frequently said "I'm not your friend, I'm your MOTHER"...then proceeded to be neither, I find the concept confusing.
I made myself available to my daughter. I knew that there were questions I could answer, and preferred she be able to trust me. I am honored that she counts me as a friend...but always I am her mom. To tell a child that they are not "your friend" is damaging, in my opinion, and can lead to major disconnects when a parent is actually needed.
So far, its worked well. I don't have to play detective if my daughter has issues. I also don't have to play 20 questions to figure out how and IF I can help. But for the most part, I let her determine if she needs me in "mom" mode...or not. I have parented so far by going EVERYTHING the opposite of my controlling mother. The results have been amazing.
Anyway, it sounds like you have found a way to connect with your daughter and build trust. Only good things can come of this. Your daughter is very lucky to have you as a mom.
I did not have a good relationship with my mother, but have amazing relationships with my (now) grown daughters. Like you--I used my mother's example of how not to treat one's children.
My partner is the one who the family rightly considers the center of everything, while I am the one that everyone depends on, but feels safe in getting mad at. Everyone in our family knows that they are safe letting their anger out at me, and that ability to let off steam helps to keep things healthy. Strange, huh?
I think some mom's don't know where to draw the line and it's become more of a competition of sorts with their children.
If you have done a good job of raising your child, she should have the maturity and self confidence to guide her own life.