All You Need Is Love

I recently had lunch with a friend who is a brilliant child psychiatrist, but currently the guilt-ridden mom of a 1-year old daughter. She paused her career for a year to give birth and nurture her daughter full-time, but now she is back to a 'career-mother juggle' and dealing with the guilt that often accompanies it.

As I think back on my life when my children were young -- juggling between the full-time demands of academia and the full-time draw of mothering -- I remember the guilt vividly. Now that my children are grown (last one graduating from high school this year), I have a perspective that differs from the one I had then. I realize now that the best thing I gave my children was the one thing not taught in books: unconditional love.

In a way, the specifics of the do's and don'ts that I followed -- reading every book on parenting I could find -- paled in comparison to the gift I gave them when I let go of the expectations I had of myself or them, and would just be present. It reminds me of what Lennon said so well, "all you need is love." It seems so simple and hardly enough to handle the complex problems we face: parenting, aging parents, school systems, government, war, and environmental crises. Yet somehow, it is perhaps the wisest advice of all. What if we truly 'loved' our planet, would that not heal it? What if we 'loved' ourselves, would that not bring us health and well-being? What if we 'loved' one another, would that not bring us peace?

These thoughts of the power of love and compassion remind me of two events. Last week, I attended a district-wide meeting of LAUSD school psychologists and nurses who spent the day learning about Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). In the morning, a spokesperson for the teacher's union described himself as a person with adult ADHD. He went on to say that the most important thing that helped him during his school years (which were alluded to as quite difficult) was the kindness and support given to him by his teachers. It was their kindness and support that gave him a sense of value.

Dr. Ned Hallowell, a psychiatrist who has ADHD and dyslexia, tells a comparable story. As Ned reports, the thing that got him through the embarrassment of reading and the trauma of the early school years was the loving 'arm around his shoulder' by his second grade teacher. These stories are more common than rare. The best medicine in the world is nothing in comparison to a loving hug or a kind word. Scientific research is starting to reveal the power of 'love' or 'compassion' in healing our wounds and preventing our pain. It appears that self-compassion (kindness and care toward oneself) is as important a factor for promoting well-being and preventing anxiety, depression, and other signs of emotional distress, than self-esteem (a well-known construct of health). Self-compassion is composed of three constructs 1) mindfulness - the ability to be present with your experiences; 2) kindness toward self; and 3) an understanding that one is part of the 'human condition' - i.e. that difficulties are part and parcel of life.

It again appears that kindness or love is the key to self-compassion and that self-compassion is a key to happiness. I told my friend to let go of her guilt, and pay a little more attention to her own well-being. She embodies unconditional love and kindness and that is the best parenting the world has to offer. I reminded her that the perfection we all strive for is 'part of the human condition,' as are the mistakes we will make, and the errors we will repeat again and again. I know she will always learn more and work harder to be the best parent possible, but I also know she already is. A little bit of love and kindness goes a long way.

Comments

[dharmamom]

Wired willy,

wow, you are so enlightened...the truth. All the rest is window dressing, illusion, here's to you...

[Wiredwilly]

These posts are wonderful. Swans in an ocean of War ships.
However Western psychology is questionable.
It seems infinitely analytical yet never actually obtains sanity.
It's goal seems to be being infinitly analytical.
Self compassion is of course beneficial but Universal compassion is better.
Self is an illusion. Exactly who is loving what ?
Where is the child that you were ? Where is the you that is now ?
There is no hand. The hand is fingers. No fingers. Fingers are muscle & bone.
No muscle. Muscle is tissue. No bone. Bone is tissue. No tissue. Tissue is cells.
No cells. Cells are molecules. No molecules. Molecules are atoms. No atoms.
Atoms are sub-atomic particles. No particles. Particles are probabilities.
No probabilities. Probablities are thoughts.
No thoughts. Thoughts are functions of brain. No brain. Brain is tissue.
All illusion. Life and death don't happen, we just think they do.
The best approach is to love from the silence beyond duality & appearance,
Of course, there's nothing there either...
Peace -

[Dap]

Dear Dr. Smalley,

Another excellent essay/post. Agape.