Graduation And The Future

Our oldest son recently graduated from college and has been trying to figure out 'what's next' in life. It has been a source of painful reminders of how uncertain we are at various stages of life, how little we believe we know, and how unsure we are of our own abilities. This lack of direction and sense of purpose coupled with feelings of inadequacy grip us at various points in our lifespan. Having ventured through many moments such as these, I know that words can't really take them away.

The process of discovering oneself, of discovering one's purpose in life, really takes a lifetime. There are certainly moments, years and careers, where clarity is present, where you 'know you are on the right track' but generally these get swept away by new changes, new experiences, new detours on the road of life. As Scott Peck said, Life is Difficult, and we all face unknowns, abysses if you will, in our journeys through the landscape of life. We tend to cling to those times of clarity and push away or ignore those thoughts and feelings of uncertainty. With age may arise a greater sense of acceptance of the uncertainty and a willingness to just try things for the sake of trying things, without expecting any particular outcome.

When I was 21, I played the game of life from what Carse (Finite and Infinite Games, 1987) would call a 'finite' perspective. I thought it was about 'winning' and 'losing' and did my best to win the game. At 53, I play the game of life from an 'infinite' perspective, where the only goal is to keep the game going and engage as many players as possible. From an infinite perspective, the challenges of getting a job, finding a career, and even beginning a family are like obstacles on a running course, good practice for learning how to overcome difficulties and to not get too attached to success or too fearful of failure.

At the same time our oldest is finishing college, our youngest is about to begin. I see that despite my own letting go of so much, of shifting to life from a more infinite perspective, the attachment to children runs deep. In their emergence as young adults, I see clearly the 'wanting' once focused on my own life now centers on theirs, my wanting that they will not suffer, my wanting for them to experience happiness, success at building family, career, and home. It is as if I am starting once again, a repetition of sorts, one generation away.

Yet in this cycle of repetition, there is a growing trajectory of awareness to its infinite nature. As we parents move toward a more receptive phase of living, our children become the builders. The cycle no longer exists on a single lifespan - my 'building' changing to my 'receptive' phase of life. Rather, the cycle becomes intergenerational, my receptive phase to my child's building phase, and in this cycle, this infinite repetition, all of humanity, all of our existences can be seen as one. So many have seen this before, and so many more will see it again. Yet, in its realization, a sense of contentment arises, so simple and so profound.

In this time of year when transitions are all around as graduations take place, it may be wise to pause and note the world from this infinite perspective, this place of contentment. As many 21- to 22-year-olds are graduating from college, lost in the 'what next' stage of life, and where the pressure 'to know' feels insurmountable at times, my son likes to use the line of Benjamin from The Graduate. He often answers 'plastics' to the 'what next' question posed by our friends and his friend's parents. For those playing from an infinite perspective, it was always followed by a laugh; for those from the finite perspective, a deadly silence.

Although 'Plastics' may symbolize the future and a goal of winning, becoming content with life's infinite uncertainty is no doubt the ultimate goal.