Union Vs. Self: How To Make A Marriage Work

I've been thinking a lot about 'what makes a marriage work' because I officiated a wedding this summer, my own 34th wedding anniversary is next month, and I see the struggles faced by some friends and colleagues in their marriages.

Scientists have identified several variables that can predict success or failure of a marriage with 70-80% accuracy. The predictors of failure change a bit throughout the duration of marriage but include violence (aggression), negative communication, personality match, and sexuality among others. I don't conduct research on marriage but I find it fascinating that the success or failure could be 'predetermined' with such high accuracy.

Despite this strong body of research, probably few of us use marriage assessment tools to figure out whether to marry or not.

My husband and I are asked this question a lot - 'what's the key to a happy marriage' because we have been married so long, in Hollywood no less. We both seem to have comparable answers (of varying order): 1. Be kind 2. Share and spend time together (have fun, laugh a lot, don't take life too seriously), 3. Be intimate, and 4. Appreciate each other's strengths and overlook the weaknesses.

These four answers are only possible because we value our union over personal interests, that is, there are many times we 'give up' something that might bring us personal pleasure to help the union grow. This sort of 'self-sacrifice' is perhaps key to any successful relationship. But it is a self-sacrifice that is done, not with resentment, or a sense of anger or guilt, but one that is given freely and with joy to strengthen the union. In a way, it is comparable to a self-transcendent experience, where one transcends the little world of self (what's good for me, bad for me) to be part of something larger than oneself (the relationship).

Our four answers seem comparable to the keys to marriage described by research. 1. Be kind (keep violence and aggression OUT of the marriage. 2. Spend time together (aka share and communicate). We walk a lot, every morning and most evenings. When we walk we talk, we share, and we laugh. 3. Be intimate. I heard that Paul Newman once told a reporter when asked how he maintained his fidelity in marriage for so long, "Why go for hamburger, when you can have steak at home?" I loved that line (even though I am vegetarian). Intimacy is important in a marriage: when it begins to fade, so too will the union. At times, partners in marriage are not on the same wave-length in intimacy, and again, letting go of your own personal wants and needs may be required by both parties to find a steady level of intimacy. 4. Appreciate each other's strengths and overlook the weaknesses. I'm not quite sure where this fits into the research on marriage but I am pretty sure that this works because it is a key to self-compassion, in general. To have a strong marriage requires self-compassion, a recognition that you and you're your partner are part of the 'human condition' sharing in the same ups and downs of life. Accept yourself and your partner as you are.

Staying together in marriage requires extensive work and effort, but overtime and with the deepening of the union over self, it becomes (as my husband likes to say) a 'huge high'. It seems a little odd that we, as a country, spend so much time on 'who should be allowed to marry' instead of helping one another to enhance our unions, once made.

Comments

[LordMoon]

Marriage is really a form of celibacy.

The sublimation of energy into spiritual development without self denial.

Marriage creates a womb in the world.

That can only exist without bondage.

[Sadducee]

Marriage is not natural.

[frankm]

I love that Paul Newman quote. It's sad to see him go.

[dubster]

The research that Smalley speaks of is indeed very intriguing. It's written about in Malcolm Gladwell's book BLINK - it was very interesting to read about the high prediction rate; everyone should read that book and in addition, Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars (or is it the other way around? I can't remember) is very good to read about relationships as well - although I'm not married or in a relationship. I just find that sort of stuff very intriguing (even for a 24 year old male) given the high divorce rates and how superficial women (and men) have become in contemporary dating.

[betweenextremes]

After 24 years of being happily married (most of the time), I've come to the conclusion that there is no real recipe for success. Through good times and bad, what's kept us together is that we really like each other and can't stand to be away from each other for too long. That, and good communication skills.

[Babzter]

We've been married 21 years. Friendship is the most important element of marriage, as well as the following:
Be kind, polite, considerate, generous, mature
Respect each other's privacy
Always be on each other's "side". No constructive criticism at home. Just listen.
Express your love in outward ways, also, such as cards, little surprise gifts, flowers, etc.
Tell each other "I love you" every day.
This works for us, and I adore my husband, and he adores me. We are so lucky.

[Js420]

I'm not married but have been with my gf for 4+yrs. Those answers are right on the money...

[PeaceOnEarth62]

I met my man in 1978. I married him in 1981. We are still happily together in 2008.

The rules work only if you are friends to begin with.

[OnTheCusp]

I'm considering leaving because we do not have sex in our marriage. I sometimes wonder if this makes me a "glass half empty" kind of person, or if I'm just being realistic about my needs.
What say ye, commentors?

[spartanmom]

First I'm make sure there isn't some kind of passive-aggressive thing going on. If there it that needs to be resolved.

Then ask:
What's more important, the relationship or your needs?

If you cannot make your relationship the most important thing for whatever reason, it is time to go

[RG5626]

But sex is part of a healthy relationship. Would you stay in a relationship with someone if they said that they no longer love you? There are many facets to a good relationship and while not all of them can be perfect, you have to decide if you can continue when important parts are missing.

Onthecusp, try marriage counsling and see if that helps.

[MimiLouise]

Dr. Smalley, I would love to hear your opinion about the relative success of marriages where the two partners are similar in tastes, temperament, strengths and weaknesses vs opposite in temperament, strengths and weaknesses. In other words, it seems to me that people who are alike understand each and can communicate more readily, and have many areas of agreement, whereas people who are different may find each other more attractive and may complement each other while not innately understanding each other so well because of their differences.

I would love to hear your views on this.

[67bug]

As a couple, we are very non-sexual. Neither of us gives a damn about sex, and we would much rather cuddle. As long as both people are on the same page it doesn't matter how much intimacy there is; plus there are many other ways to be close to eachother besides sex. We are both healthy and happy, we just aren't interested in gettin' it on....

[AZBunny]

"Staying together in marriage requires extensive work and effort"

I found this to be true in my first marriage and finally got tired of all that hard work after 11 years. Which I consider a waste of 11 years of my life.

Next year will be my 20th wedding anniversary but we've been together for 22 years, and I've never once found our relationship to require any type of effort at all. I've asked my husband also if he has to work at our marriage ( just to check he wasn't doing all the work) and he said no.

I find it interesting that I always hear people say marriage requires extensive work and effort. If I had never heard that, I would left my first marriage much sooner and been a lot happier.

[jaycg9]

There's the conscious effort put forth to understand and appreciate one another, to communicate and compromise in order to make the relationship work...and then there's beating a dead horse. I suppose if it feels like work, then it may be a problem but if it simply feels like you're getting on with your life and your marriage, then you have a good thing going.

[spartanmom]

The most work I do is making sure petty annoyances don't accumulate. If I notice it happening I go to my Zen place.

I take all the relationship garbage that I have been letting accumulate and picture it as a crumby looking pile of rags. I gather them up and compress them into a ball which I work in my hands until it is down to the size of an egg. When I open my hands I find a glowing little golden puff which I hold up to my mouth and blow away.

Nuts? well maybe but it takes about two minutes once or twice a year and we're coming up on 27 years.

Marrying someone who is convinced that you are the smartest, nicest, most beautiful person in the world helps, too

[cybertoothcat]

"Staying together in marriage requires extensive work and effort."

This is true, but only the part of the wife. Absolutely nothing is expected of the husband. I, too, was married 11 years, AZBunny. My second marriage is very natural, easy, effortless.
Age and experience play quite a role in determining which type of person would be right.

[Rebasyra]

I am a newly married woman and love the daily walks that my husband and I take with our dogs. It is a great way to start and end a day.