Why Kindness Is So Important

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -- Maya Angelou

I like that quote because it reminds me that it is how I go about my day that is more important than what I do. If you think of the billions of people on the planet doing something daily - whether that be obtaining enough food for survival or running a billion dollar corporation - they have a single thread in common, how they treat themselves and others.

We can relate to others from positions of anger, greed, and hatred or from kindness and compassion. Becoming aware of how you treat yourself is key to seeing how you relate to others. I have a friend who abhors selfishness. Because of this deeply entrenched idea, she gives and gives and gives to others and never cares for herself. And she finds herself unhappy, unsatisfied, and uncertain in life.

Our culture seems to thrive on extremes. Many of us are either overly selfish or overly selfless. In either case, there is a failure to appreciate the equality of self and others. For those too selfless, attention to caring for oneself may be needed; for those too selfish, caring for others. Kindness cannot be directed toward one and withheld from the other without hazardous outcomes.

Notice sometimes how you talk to yourself. Do you berate yourself in ways you would never do so to a friend, or other human being for that matter? Are you highly self-critical? If so, give yourself a little kindness, nurturing, and care. There are many acts of kindness you can direct toward yourself, from taking a guilt-free day off from work to soaking in a bathtub or taking a walk in nature. It takes time to change our attitudes toward ourselves and others, but it begins by becoming aware of your feelings and thoughts toward self and others. Just notice how you relate to yourself and others throughout the day - is it with kindness or not?

Much of the time, we forget this important thread, that how we relate to ourselves and others is much more important than the things we do. Much of the time we hurry through activities so focused on the outcome that the interactions along the way - the barrista at Starbucks, the receptionist at the front office, a spouse, a child or boss - are often ignored.

If we can learn to give our full attention to how we treat ourselves and others, perhaps we will find that the outcomes we so clearly seek are less important than the road we travel along the way.

How often have you discovered a moment of true happiness in a brief encounter with a taxi driver, a grocery clerk, a person waiting in a doctor's office, or some other seemingly insignificant encounter in life? Remember these and begin to notice that the elaborate net of life has a single underlying thread, our shared humanity and the potential for kindness in every encounter.

Comments

[DrJenniferHoward]

As mentioned in the articles each of us errs on one side of the “self-ish/­self-less” coin. The struggle is to have yourself and be kind to others.

With regard to action vs. relating, we all have life purposes and tasks that compel us because they are the essence of our lives – how do manage to accomplish tasks from the mundane to the most profound and stay connected to those deeper motivations? How do we stay on point and stay kind to ourselves and others at the same time? I think we do this by developing an awareness of our inner thoughts and feelings. This guides us to lead a life that is grounded in reality. From here we are aware of our inner forces determining behavior – what makes us want to be unkind to someone, for example. This awareness is the grist for healing and by healing our wounding we become a naturally kinder person, not from selflessness but from a sense of individuation. Therefore we will want to be kind because we realize the interconnected quality of all humanity and life.

Dr. Jennifer Howard
www.DrJenniferHoward.com

[dadw5boys]

If you can't be helpful don't be harmful. Even when guiding people with your help to a better future you must be willing to let go of the gift you give and allow them to grow.

[laurelei23]

Always liked the title of Laura Huxley's book, "You Are Not the Target." That often when others are mean-spirited or cruel, you're not the person it's really directed at. Just collateral damage, as it were.

Live in a small town, and it's not just about the usual civil grease that lubricates most social interactions. I usually give true or "odd" responses. That the other person heard something not expected often starts a conversation. It's also about being "mindful."

[wm1066]

I remember that book! I read it in my twenties.
Her ideas worked for me.

[KillgoreTrout43]

Thank you!

[KillgoreTrout43]

I definately think there is a symbiotic relationship between happiness and kindness. Each one depends upon the other. I find it much easier to be kind to those who give kindness. But the bad part of that is that when people aren't kind to me, it makes me mad and I do not treat them with kindness.
This subject reminds me of a reputed remark that Truman Capote once said in his relationship to the convicted killer Perry Smith. (the clutter murders)
He sent Smith some of his books to read and Smith wrote back that although the stories were well written, they lacked kindness.
Capote was astonished and replied to a friend, "Well, the nerve! Imagine being told your work lacks kindness, by a 4 time killer!"

[consciousmom]

I've learned that the ability to be kind is a bit of a gift. There are some people who truly struggle with this -- and obviously they struggle to be kind to themselves, as well. I like the article's point that we examine our tendency -- to be either self-less or self-ish and work it out. It's a balance.

Maybe it's a result of practice? As a mother I try to encourage kindness in my children -- kindness to each other, to me, and to themselves. I'm hoping that it becomes a habit, and I do believe it will help them in life -- not be a disservice to them. However, this doesn't mean that they are future doormats, as I also encourage them to speak their minds and stand up for themselves. Again, the balance thing.

Lisa
http://www.holistic-treatment-for-depression.com

[Jonahson]

Kindness must come from the heart without regret for deeds performed.
There is a meditation on loving - kindness simply called 'Meditation on Loving - kindness' or 'Meditation on Metta' . Once you understand the concept of this meditation you can tailor make it to suit your own expression and flow of kindness.
It is suitable for people of all ages. Don't worry it is not a cult. Check it out on the internet.

[arunachala]

great post! i try and think that kindness is my religion. although i'm not always faithful to that, i do my best anyways. my favorite quote on kindess is from philo of alexandria: "Be Kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle"

[whatsthatsound]

What a great quote!

[Dap]

Indeed, kindness is a virtue dear Dr.Smalley, yet it is among many commonalities Humanity shares, there are a great many threads that bind us good and not so good alike, and is the reason the philosophical teaching of forgiveness is of import, as we are all fallible in our shared fragile humanity. Agape.

[PhillyQuaker]

The hand of kindness picks up pain....Marcel Marceau

[marymansour]

Great piece and so true. Thanks for this.

[communicatinghumanity]

Unfortunately, people are constantly patterned to favor the heroin of petty drama/separation over kindness/u­nity.

IMH­O, practicing kindness shouldn't be extended only to people WE deem are worthy, nor should it be done so we can feel superior to anyone. Many bite their tongues (and/or lie), thinking if they are honest they won't be seen as kind (especially when they desire that person's love/appro­val/money/­etc.). Many have embraced that "unconditional love" means enablement of someone's darker behaviors. The most loving, kind and compassionate thing we can do for a fellow human being is to be authentic and NOT enable them when they're acting in ways that are destructive to themselves/others. The kindness part comes with the manner/style with which we communicate - we can be direct and strong without attacking. It's easy to be "enlightened" when you don't interact with others and/or are in the company of those who don't or aren't allowed to question you. Real barometers of personal evolution are when you're cut off on a freeway, how you treat those who group mindsets consider as "lesser people" as well as those considered more "important people", and if you consciously choose to compromise your integrity for personal gains. I teach people to become mindful regarding the impact of their energy upon others, live the Golden Rule, and make/take AUTHENTIC choices/actions to foster inclusiveness. AUTHENTICITY is imperative: I've seen enough faux "love and light" BS to choke a brontosaurus.

[Melimelo]

Well said!

[azyuwish]

Bravo!

As a former member of a spiritual community where we shared housing in a complex of 100 condos......

I can testify to the "love and light" yoga police in action. UGH!

[BoojumSte]

“Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, ‘In this world, Elwood, you must be’ - she always called me Elwood - ‘In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.’ Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.” ~ Elwood P. Dowd “Harvey”

I just find it simpler to go through life being nice to people. It requires a lot less energy first of all. Smiling and saying “please” and “thank you” is not hard to do, and people really appreciate it, especially if they are waiting on you, say at the fishcounter in the grocery store.
One manner of being kind to myself I’ve found is to think of my future self as another person. For example: if I don’t want to do the night’s dishes and leave them for tomorrow, it’s me that has to deal with them or work around them the next morning. Taking a big breath and washing those dishes so that I can face a clean kitchen in the morning is not just something I must do to keep a clean home, but a kindness to my future self who hates having to work around dirty dishes when preparing a meal.

[KillgoreTrout43]

One of my favorite movies, Particularly because of that line.

[JustifiablyParanoid]

'Do unto others'....a good philosophy to live by.

[alan7388]

Kurt Vonnegut boiled all the great moral precepts down to two words: "Be kind."

[KillgoreTrout43]

Ah, A fellow Vonnegut fan. One of my favorite writers. I find it difficult to be kind to nasty people, but I'm working on that.

[GOP4MoreTears]

Hint: Invest in a mirror...

From personal experience I've found our best revelations mostly come from self reflection, indeed ones anger can change ones vision.