"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -- Maya Angelou
I like that quote because it reminds me that it is how I go about my day that is more important than what I do. If you think of the billions of people on the planet doing something daily - whether that be obtaining enough food for survival or running a billion dollar corporation - they have a single thread in common, how they treat themselves and others.
We can relate to others from positions of anger, greed, and hatred or from kindness and compassion. Becoming aware of how you treat yourself is key to seeing how you relate to others. I have a friend who abhors selfishness. Because of this deeply entrenched idea, she gives and gives and gives to others and never cares for herself. And she finds herself unhappy, unsatisfied, and uncertain in life.
Our culture seems to thrive on extremes. Many of us are either overly selfish or overly selfless. In either case, there is a failure to appreciate the equality of self and others. For those too selfless, attention to caring for oneself may be needed; for those too selfish, caring for others. Kindness cannot be directed toward one and withheld from the other without hazardous outcomes.
Notice sometimes how you talk to yourself. Do you berate yourself in ways you would never do so to a friend, or other human being for that matter? Are you highly self-critical? If so, give yourself a little kindness, nurturing, and care. There are many acts of kindness you can direct toward yourself, from taking a guilt-free day off from work to soaking in a bathtub or taking a walk in nature. It takes time to change our attitudes toward ourselves and others, but it begins by becoming aware of your feelings and thoughts toward self and others. Just notice how you relate to yourself and others throughout the day - is it with kindness or not?
Much of the time, we forget this important thread, that how we relate to ourselves and others is much more important than the things we do. Much of the time we hurry through activities so focused on the outcome that the interactions along the way - the barrista at Starbucks, the receptionist at the front office, a spouse, a child or boss - are often ignored.
If we can learn to give our full attention to how we treat ourselves and others, perhaps we will find that the outcomes we so clearly seek are less important than the road we travel along the way.
How often have you discovered a moment of true happiness in a brief encounter with a taxi driver, a grocery clerk, a person waiting in a doctor's office, or some other seemingly insignificant encounter in life? Remember these and begin to notice that the elaborate net of life has a single underlying thread, our shared humanity and the potential for kindness in every encounter.
Follow Susan Smalley, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/suesmalley
With regard to action vs. relating, we all have life purposes and tasks that compel us because they are the essence of our lives – how do manage to accomplish tasks from the mundane to the most profound and stay connected to those deeper motivations? How do we stay on point and stay kind to ourselves and others at the same time? I think we do this by developing an awareness of our inner thoughts and feelings. This guides us to lead a life that is grounded in reality. From here we are aware of our inner forces determining behavior – what makes us want to be unkind to someone, for example. This awareness is the grist for healing and by healing our wounding we become a naturally kinder person, not from selflessness but from a sense of individuation. Therefore we will want to be kind because we realize the interconnected quality of all humanity and life.
Dr. Jennifer Howard
www.DrJenniferHoward.com
Live in a small town, and it's not just about the usual civil grease that lubricates most social interactions. I usually give true or "odd" responses. That the other person heard something not expected often starts a conversation. It's also about being "mindful."
Her ideas worked for me.
This subject reminds me of a reputed remark that Truman Capote once said in his relationship to the convicted killer Perry Smith. (the clutter murders)
He sent Smith some of his books to read and Smith wrote back that although the stories were well written, they lacked kindness.
Capote was astonished and replied to a friend, "Well, the nerve! Imagine being told your work lacks kindness, by a 4 time killer!"
Maybe it's a result of practice? As a mother I try to encourage kindness in my children -- kindness to each other, to me, and to themselves. I'm hoping that it becomes a habit, and I do believe it will help them in life -- not be a disservice to them. However, this doesn't mean that they are future doormats, as I also encourage them to speak their minds and stand up for themselves. Again, the balance thing.
Lisa
http://www.holistic-treatment-for-depression.com
There is a meditation on loving - kindness simply called 'Meditation on Loving - kindness' or 'Meditation on Metta' . Once you understand the concept of this meditation you can tailor make it to suit your own expression and flow of kindness.
It is suitable for people of all ages. Don't worry it is not a cult. Check it out on the internet.
As a former member of a spiritual community where we shared housing in a complex of 100 condos......
I can testify to the "love and light" yoga police in action. UGH!
I just find it simpler to go through life being nice to people. It requires a lot less energy first of all. Smiling and saying “please†and “thank you†is not hard to do, and people really appreciate it, especially if they are waiting on you, say at the fishcounter in the grocery store.
One manner of being kind to myself I’ve found is to think of my future self as another person. For example: if I don’t want to do the night’s dishes and leave them for tomorrow, it’s me that has to deal with them or work around them the next morning. Taking a big breath and washing those dishes so that I can face a clean kitchen in the morning is not just something I must do to keep a clean home, but a kindness to my future self who hates having to work around dirty dishes when preparing a meal.
From personal experience I've found our best revelations mostly come from self reflection, indeed ones anger can change ones vision.