A few nights ago I watched one of the "Parenthood" episodes queued up in my DVR list. The show is a gem; one of the most honest looks at the beauty and complexities of family relationships ever to grace the screen.
One of the stories in this particular episode had to do with the efforts of Sara -- a single mother of two teens -- to help her former husband get into, and stay in, rehab. Despite the admonitions of her worried father and brother, she visits Seth, wanting to offer support, participating in some of his therapy, and who knows? Perhaps harboring a secret desire to restore her family to wholeness.
One scene hit me squarely in the heart. Sara and Seth are sitting on a bench, reminiscing about a photograph of the four of them when their children were toddlers. There's a palpable tenderness as they share memories and feelings that no one but the two of them could understand. Seth takes a leap, inviting Sara to watch one of their favorite movies in the group lounge, and you can feel Sara grappling with the longing for the past she once hoped for with Seth -- a life in which her children lived happily under one roof with both parents -- and the truth of their lives now.
She makes what she knows is the healthier decision, saying simply, "I can't". But it's a supremely poignant moment. The two of them hug for a long time. So much is said, without needing to be spoken.
Only a parent who has gone through divorce understands this scene. We share the longing that we might have been able to give our children both of their parents, sparing them the shuttling between houses, or worse, the loss of contact with a parent because of their inability to stay the course.
We know the grief, the guilt, or the worry that our children have been shortchanged. We know the pangs of sadness that occasionally descend when we see a happy family playing around in the park, or we observe the intimate glance between married parents as they comfort a troubled child. As well adjusted as our post-divorce children may be, it doesn't mean that that particular sorrow doesn't ever rear its head and ask to be felt for a little while.
That's what happened to me during that show. Something way down in my heart rumbled. I sat with it for a few minutes until -- duly acknowledged -- it moved on. I don't regret my divorce; my life is much better now, as is my former husband's. Our son is doing terrifically well; he's close to us both, and has never shown signs of significant harm because his parents didn't stay together, perhaps in part because of how we handled our separation. I speak often with his dad, who is a dear friend and will forever be part of my family.
But when those feelings bubble up, I give them their due. Even though I haven't been with my son's dad for 10 years and we clearly weren't right for one another, it is still a significant loss, and deserves to be treated as such. It is no small thing to create a life with someone, to become parents together, to embark down a road full of hope and promise, only to see it unravel. I for one believe in honoring that breeze of sadness when it occasionally blows through my heart, rather than talking myself out of those feelings with the list of reasons our marriage had to end.
Unless you have traveled this road, you won't understand what I'm talking about. And if you have traveled this road, you know exactly what I mean. Even years after loss, there will be moments when we're reminded of what might have been. I don't regret my marriage, and I don't regret my divorce. Mostly, I'm grateful that my heart is soft enough to feel these things -- all of them -- as bravely as I can.
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what if my ex hadn't starting getting physically abusive with our children
what if my ex hadn't been cheating for almost all of the 15 years of our marriage
what if my ex hadn't told me when the divorce was almost final that on the day we were married, he had every intention of cheating
what if my ex had spent some time with our children after the divorce (he had liberal visitation but his girlfriend didn't like children and didn't want them around or him taking them out)
and the list of "what if's" goes on.
Sometimes we need to reflect on the reasons why and accept the fact that not all marriages can be saved. I believe in counseling but, in our case, my ex told the counselor that he was going to continue to live the way he wanted and no amount of counseling would change him. He married the girlfriend and to nobody's surprise, he started cheating on her within weeks of their wedding.
Yes, divorce is sad for the husband and wife and especially the children but when I look back, it would have been sadder to continue living in a situation where my children's safety and my sanity was jeopardized every day.
Again thank you.
-ray
God Bless you.
He was confused at first when I didn’t try to play head game and use the children as pawns. He thought that I was still in love with him and was trying to win him back. The truth was I was so relieved to have him out of my home, I was happy. I had no desire to create more conflict or turmoil. We remained on good speaking terms and many that knew of our divorce puzzled over why we were divorced at all.
I remarried and had three more kids, which are all now grown. Every now and then I remind them of the blessing they had of having been raised in an intact family. The two from my previous marriage suffered less, I believe, because I remained on good terms with their dad until his death (due to alchoholism).
Today would have been our 25th anniversary. Next week he marrying the 'other woman' in our marriage. There's no co-parenting, no kindness, no respect from my X toward me. I know that it's his addiction, but it still is painful.
In the end, we are all better off and I work hard to make sure my children don't suffer as a result, even if that means I hold my tongue and always speak positively of their father.
After all, I didn't ask him to have an affair with the neighbor and ditch his family and neither did my children. That guilt is not mine or thiers to carry.
Divorce is never easy but if you can keep your chin up and head held high, the kids benefit in the end. Good luck to anyone going through it. It makes you stronger, no doubt!
You say you are "going through" a tough divorce now. Leads me to believe it hasn't been finalized yet. Why don't you two CANCEL the divorce? You say this divorce is "One that [you] did not want to happen and deep down [your] ex doesn't either." Who's telling you to that you must divorce?? Why don't you put it all on hold and for each reason on your "list of reasons [your] marriage had to end." Ask yourselves this question--
What would have to happen to be able to take this reason off the list?
Create together, then, a list of tasks that, upon completion, will result in removal of each reason for why your marriage had to end.
This is a marriage that was devistated in a nuclear explosion because of one person's inability to grow up and be something less than a narcissist. She waited a whole 2 weeks before introducing my kids to my replacement, which is the last guy she was cheating on me with.
And no, I've already gone through it all and although there were areas I could have been better I did nothing that should have brought this down on me or my family.
So, healing? Forgiveness? Yes eventually....and no, never. I won't say the truth about her in front of my kids but I know they will figure her out for themselves. I have my kids, wonderful and loving friends, my dog, and support from every direction. There is nothing else for her except pity.
werful--which is why it cost me so much to fight him because he could afford a really powerful attorney which forced me to get a very powerful attorney) my daughter will have a much easier life than many children of divorce. My heart still bleeds for her as when we were talking about her first day of preschool (she is 4) i told her she would get to meet her new school friends and their moms and she said "and their daddys too" knowing her daddy wouldn't be there. The amazing thing is that people blame me, yes me, because I put up with his behavior. Not him, because of his behavior. I have noticed in this culture that society awards bad behavior, ie, Alec Baldwin but condemns good behavior ie trying to make your marriage work.