Coming Home -- And Coming Out -- For the Holidays

This article first appeared in Susan's Parent Dish column at AOL

It's amazing how much can happen over a simple holiday meal. Heartfelt toasts can be offered, jokes shared and old stories delivered with a gusto that revitalizes warm and loving familial feelings.

Or, something else can happen.

Subtle -- or not so subtle -- judgments can be aired, old resentments can rear their ugly heads, or dirty looks can be shot across the table, all while doing something as harmless as asking someone to pass the salt.

Family gatherings have the potential to nourish the soul or inflict the kind of psychological pain that can take months to heal. In other words, big holiday reunions are not for the faint of heart, and not the place to come out if you're gay, or to introduce a same-sex partner to the family for the first time if everyone isn't at least a little prepared.

Here are a few things to keep in mind if you're planning to bring your same-sex partner home for the holidays:

1. Make sure you and your partner are truly ready. I don't care how much in love the two of you are, introducing your boyfriend or girlfriend to Uncle Fred or Grandma can be awkward, even if they've known for years that you're gay. Be prepared for unspoken tension at the table, and let your partner know a bit about each family member so he or she has some ice-breakers or conversation starters to help grease the wheel as everyone adjusts.
2. Give yourselves and your family space. It may be easier to stay at a hotel for your first visit home together, both to give you two a place to reconnect, and to give your family time to regroup. Let your parents know in advance that you prefer to stay nearby where you can participate in family events without being underfoot 24/7. If you decide to stay at home, allow your folks to propose whatever sleeping arrangements they're most comfortable offering. Don't make it your cause to demand that you and your partner sleep there together; your goal should be to help everyone get to know one another comfortably.
3. Do not come out at a holiday gathering by appearing out of nowhere with a same-sex partner. As tempting as it might be to boldly announce your sexual orientation to a family that has refused to recognize who you really are, the holidays are not the time and the place. If most of your family is aware but, say, Grandpa still doesn't know you're gay, talk with him in advance so he isn't caught off guard.
4. Be yourself, and keep it light. Introducing a loved one to family should be carried off with joy and celebration. While your family members may show varied reactions to your new partner, give them time and don't take things too personally. Have fun with the relatives who are at ease, and be patient with those who aren't. And most of all, enjoy your visit. For better or for worse, there's no place like home!

 

 

 

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Comments

[amymari]

04:32 PM on 12/18/2010

"For better or for worse, there's no place like home!"

Really? If you are gay and your family is supportive, or if they are confused and unsure but are not going to throw you out of the family, this might be true. But if you are like a previous poster who said they'd be disowned, or a gay person whose family treats them badly, the home you grew up in is not necessarily a good place for you to be. There's no requirement that you "go home" for the holidays. People of any sexual orientation dealing with toxic families should not feel obligated to be around the family members at all. No matter the season.

[John Brewster]

03:22 AM on 12/16/2010

I'm curious if Susan would recommend all the same precautions and pre-conditions if someone was bringing home a partner of a different race.

[caad4]

11:55 AM on 12/17/2010

Probably she would, John.

[RedDog79]

11:20 AM on 12/20/2010

why would race matter?

[MsVella]

08:11 AM on 12/22/2010

It matters in the same way sexuality matters

[fun4kay]

02:38 AM on 12/16/2010

So I had to create an account just to share. My sister came out on Thanksgiving. It was selfish and inappropriate. I don't care that she is gay, but our Mother does. She is concerned and worried about my sister existing in a world that she doesn't understand. She thinks that if my sister ever gets into trouble she won't be able to help her, because it's so foreign to her

After my Mom had to cook dinner, wrangle family, work every day leading up to the holiday, it was an added stressor that wasn't really necessary. My sister doesn't really care for the holidays, but since my Mom loves this time of year, it wasn't cool to ruin the holidays for her. In my opinion over the summer would have been more considerate.

Now everyone is pretending that nothing happened..because denial runs deep.

[MsVella]

06:16 PM on 12/17/2010

May I ask if she came out on the actual day of the holiday or just in the holidays?

[Sociologyst]

05:03 PM on 12/15/2010

Oh my...I wish it were that easy. I would LOVE to come out to my family this way...I just dont see it happening. We came out to my GFs parents over a year ago and they are "still getting over it" so I am not allowed to join them for the holidays. Who KNOWS what my family thinks even though she comes around for ALL the parties...so although this seems like the textbook version of coming out over the holidays...I wish it really were THAT easy.

[LiberalOutlaw]

12:42 PM on 12/15/2010

This article only applies to gay people whose families aren't evil.

If I dared come out, I would not only be disowned, but I wouldn't even be invited to a family wedding much less a holiday celebration.

It truly sucks to have a conservative family. Their belief systems and attitudes are exactly why I became a liberal convert.

[SrAN]

09:39 AM on 12/15/2010

IMO, this should go for any new couple. This is more about respecting your family members and their beliefs. In todays world we are much more accepting than in many of our parents time. I know when I first brought my husband home before we were married we let my grandmom know that we understood if she wanted us to sleep in seperate rooms. Thankfully my grandmom was very understanding and a little out of the "norm" of her time and raising, we didnt have to be seperate. At the same time, we still respected that we were under her house so we abstained from well you can fill in that blank. It is all just a matter of respect and that definition changes from family to family.