I admit, it's funny. And there's another thing I like about Adam Mansbach's Go the F**k to Sleep: It exposes the underbelly of parenting -- that dark, secret part of us that needs a little time to ourselves when we can do grown up things -- or maybe just crawl into our own bed for some desperately needed sleep.
In the book, the author uses expletives to convince his child to release him from endless cuddles or drinks of water. Who among us hasn't visited moments (for some, every night) when our longing to escape the clutches of a sleepy child has prompted the type of sentiments Mansbach uses in his take on a children's bedtime story?
So much of parenting is done behind closed doors. We rate ourselves against the behavior of imaginary parents, falling prey to insecurities that have us convinced we're the worst of the bunch. Surely Danny's mommy and daddy never lose their patience at bedtime. They always appear so calm, so on top of things.
But, the fact is every parent reaches a breaking point, nearly weeping when, after believing little Trudy has finally dropped off to sleep, she grabs our arm as we try to make our escape, starting yet another round of, "Don't go!!!"
Raising kids is exhausting. Children are relentlessly demanding, needy and egocentric. They love us in their own precious way, but they don't really care if we're tired, or if we'd rather spend time with our spouse or a good book.
Mansbach has highlighted our need to talk openly about how tough it can be to raise children, especially at the end of a long day. Most of the parents I see for counseling are running on empty, getting significantly less sleep than bodies require. Sleep rejuvenates, nourishes and restores us not only physically, but emotionally. Chronically exhausted parents are more stressed, impatient and likely to explode and/or become abusive toward their child.
We simply need sleep to function well. If you've gotten to the point where you're thinking (or saying) "Go the f**k to sleep," it's time to create some clear bedtime rituals.
Mind you, it takes time and commitment to establish end-of-day routines that work with children. Kids love our company, and don't like being alone when they fall asleep. It's human nature to snuggle with other humans when we sleep. And, frankly, a child left alone in the dark often doesn't know what to do with his active mind, which means without your calming presence, he might end up lying there for hours, triggering those endless rounds of "Mommy, I'm scared/need to go the bathroom/have a tummy ache..."
When parents are clear about how they want bedtime to go, it's easier to implement a realistic strategy. Depending on the child's age and temperament, that might mean two stories, a 10-minute cuddle and a lava lamp to occupy an active mind while the child drifts off to sleep. Or, it could be that after your goodnight kisses, your youngster can use a headlamp to look at books until she's drowsy. Still, other children may end up sleeping in their parent's room.
I'm not defining how bedtime should look -- that's for each parent to decide. I'm simply suggesting that if a parent is committed to a plan, most children will relax into it. It's when we change our minds from one night to the next, or deliver ultimatums that we have no intention of enforcing, that children push, and the nightly craziness persists.
Mansbach opened up an important conversation about parents' need for grown up time, and for a good night's sleep of their own. Some say the book is funny, and others call it downright crass. Mostly, I'm concerned about how easily it could fall into the hands of a child; no little one should stumble across this book, geared for adults with a particular brand of humor.
But if his book is helping moms and dads feel less guilty about being imperfect, that's a good thing. Parents who feel like failures tend to take their frustrations out on their children, perpetuating a vicious cycle of anger and drama.
We all reach a point when we long for "Goodnight" to mean, "I'll see you in the morning." Bedtime rituals can go a long way toward helping reduce long, drawn out nighttime drama. So can getting our own healthy dose of sleep, exercise and grown up time. But, if all else fails, just fast forward to imagine the day when your little one is off on her own life adventure. You might just find yourself wanting to read one more bedtime story, or to hang on for a little more snuggling.
Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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When I worked on boats, I worked for an engineer who taught me a long lasting lesson-"As an Engineer, I will always be smarter than metal or steel-one has to be smarter than the material they are working with."
Of course children are not "material" but find it amazing how many adults have such a difficult time being smarter than a child. Children have to be taught a process of going to bed, one just does not "go the fk to sleep" and need to be introduced to the process of winding down-lights are lowered, books are read, and so on and so forth-bottle of water next to the bed keeps them from asking.
However, I had a third child and let me just say....nothing got that kid to sleep through the night. He was 3 years old before he would sleep through a full night. We had bedtime routines, we had plenty of exhausting playtime, we had books and guides and pediatricians all giving tips and ideas and thoughts and suggestions.
It's easy to say "just do this" but the reality is that kids come in different shapes, sizes, personalities, conflicts, issues, and yes sleeping problems. I'm glad you never dealt with such things, but don't be so confident that it's simply a matter of "how you teach them" that makes all the difference. Some kids just struggle with sleeping through the night, or falling asleep...just like some kids struggle with potty training or giving up their pacifier or any of 100 other kid-related issues.
Check Samual L. Jackson reading this book:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9MpIg9Q2I8&feature=related
What happens during the day that this child is not tired? Hopefully over the counter sleep aid narcotics aren't used by the caregiver so that the child sleeps most of the day while under their care.
Are these children given any meaningful exercise while under the supervision of a caregiver?
These would be questions I'd be asking myself if I had a child who had such a difficult time going to sleep.
I loved this book. All of my friends who have children love this book. Since misery loves company, we all want you to have at least two children and buy this book for yourself. My children are adults now with children of their own. Guess what they're getting for Christmas.