Learning to Parent a Young Adult

1:30 am...

It's what my heart would sound like if it stepped out of my body and sang... hearing my boy singing, hearing traces of his dad's voice in his, and probably mine, and hearing/feeling/sensing that in his voice is life experience that has been his alone, unwitnessed by me, coming through the tone and timber and expression that is all his.

I close my eyes and drink it in, the miracle of it all... how from a tiny, microscopic seed a life begins and grows and becomes visible -- if barely -- and grows a spine and a heart and foot and an eyelash, and then this being makes its way out into the world, onto this spinning planet... and we get to usher it in, protecting it as best we can, nurturing it along... and then that voice calls you up at 1:30 in the morning to play you a song that is uniquely his. He wrote it, he sings it... and something about the whole thing is so monumental... there just aren't any words...

He calls again after giving me time to listen to his music; we talk till the food he ordered from an almost all-night restaurant gets delivered to him at his dorm desk shift. 5:00 in the morning his time, and he's eating ravioli, talking to his mom about music and unrest in Libya and the family dog.

This is the road I'm on, learning to parent a young adult. It's not easy, figuring out what to say, when/whether to lean forward or back, to let him know I'm there for him, or give him space and room to breathe. There's no guidebook, no manual; trust and listening are essential, which means that sometimes I get it right, and sometimes I don't.

But man oh man, when you set out on this journey, parenting a tiny, helpless baby, falling so hopelessly into love, you cannot imagine the day when they will leave your nest and set out on their own adventures. And then that day arrives, and it's hard -- impossible, really -- but as the ride rolls out, you find out it's all right, and it's so right, so perfect.

We don't hear enough about how magical it is to watch that tiny being blossom into the extraordinary person that was curled up inside, waiting to unfold in all its glory. Or how cool it is when they call you in the wee hours of the morning to play you their song.

The whole ride -- all of it -- is sweeter than I can say.

 

 

 

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Comments

[Pippen]

01:25 PM on 03/09/2011

I don't have kids never did, just worked out that way. I sense a couple of things from the author that may or may not exist. I often see things differently having never been a parent. Parenting can cloud the mind with love induced purple smoke and emotional lighting.

The author seems genuinely elated to hear from her son. This leads me to believe either A, she never thought she'd hear from him again, or B, she questions her relationship enough to think its note worthy.

I do recognize she may be just expressing a dream state appreciation for the tender moment. I would too.

However, my wifes kids have been through a traumatic divorce a few years ago and we see them almost every weekend. They are busy, semi broke all the time and in their early 20s going to school still and working retail. We deeply appreciate their acceptance of us for who we are as people not just parent figures and we take pause like the author in the moments that are special even to us. That said, it would not be that remarkable to have one talk emphatically about the newest event in their lives at midnight. (they don't sing).

So the objective observer in me felt compelled to point out. If so thats cool, I understand my sisters question their parenting 24/7. If he's singing you a song at midnight its time to relax. You must have been a good Mom.

[Midlife Coach for Women]

09:08 AM on 03/06/2011

Thanks for sharing the sweetness of parenting – the sheer joy of watching your child's life and talents unfold. We need to hear more of these heart-opening songs.

[Moonspirit48]

10:58 PM on 03/05/2011

So wonderful to read someone who was happy being a parent and is still happy to parent a young adult and will likely be happy to be this young man's parent forever. In my own life, I so often hear people talk badly about how much they hate parenting, how it stifles them, how their kids are ruining their life. For me, a divorced single mother of children, one disabled, who had to work full-time, I can't think of anything better in my life than having been a parent and watching each child's individuality bud and bloom. But too many people don't seem to understand when I say that -- they just complain that it has been too hard for them. Sad.

[librainstars]

04:15 PM on 03/05/2011

Your story of your son and you brought tears to my eyes. It says it all. Its so cool he called you "his mom" to play the song for you. It shows he has deep trust and respect and love for you as a mom and as another adult . Talking to you about what is going on in the world. Means and you dont need me to tell you. That you did good.
My son once woke me to show me a painting he had been working on. He had finshed it and wanted me to see it. I was honored.
you said "trust and listening are essential" that is so true.
They are magical, wonderful gifts. My son had PDD. Its been up and down and all around with him.
I wont have missed it for the world.
Good luck to you and your son. Doesnt sound like you need it thou. :)

[Gnommie]

04:49 PM on 03/04/2011

It's best to cut the authority ties in their late teens or 20's ,,,But I've seen that in very wealthy families there sometimes is an 'agenda' to do things this way or that...mostly to stay 'in the fold ' and money (large amounts are at stake for these adults, all the way from who you marry, or don't. keeping the 'face' of the family by sometimes out right threats.