Every morning is a battle to get my 16-year-old son up and out the door for school. He stays up late at night and then in the morning he is exhausted and irritable. He says he wants me to wake him up but I am tired of fighting every day.
Teens often get their second wind at 10:00 p.m., prompting them to stay up late watching TV or fooling around online because they genuinely don't feel tired enough to go to sleep.
The downside of this is that in the morning, they aren't rested. Truthfully, most adolescents would do much better academically if school started at ten in the morning, in terms of their body clock! But alas, schools are not likely to modify their schedules to accommodate the teenage brain.
Here are my thoughts:
• Give him the problem. Your son may need to experience the consequences of sleeping through his alarm a few times -- without your intervention -- to recognize that he needs help. Let him know that you're resigning from the job of being his personal alarm clock, until and unless he asks to collaborate with you in solving his problem.
• If he asks for your help, brainstorm ideas with him so that he assumes responsibility for choosing a wake-up option he will actually use. He may want to set three alarm clocks on the far side of his bedroom so he has to climb out of bed to turn them off. Or he might set his phone alarm to play something irritating enough to get him to throw off the covers. Be supportive but not responsible for his choices, or implementing them.
• Rule out substance use or depression. Teens who are struggling emotionally often have a hard time getting motivated to climb out of bed. And those who habitually drink or smoke pot often have an especially hard time getting their motors revving in the morning. Make sure your son is simply tired from not getting enough sleep, and not manifesting signs of other problems.
• Help him wake up his brain. Many kids need something nourishing to get moving in the morning. If he is treating you kindly and you are inclined to offer support, consider bringing him a protein shake or bar as he's starting to wake up.
• Parent supportively, from connection. The best chance you have of influencing your son to care more about getting to school on time is to come across as an ally. And the best way to do that is to make sure he knows that you like and enjoy him, as is. The less he feels that he is the means by which your anxiety (about his school attendance) is being reduced, the more he will be receptive to your advice. Build a strong and sturdy connection with him that will empower you to speak from your heart about your concerns, and help him be open to addressing them.
Your son is moving rapidly toward adulthood. Rather than trying to control his bedtime -- which at 16 is not likely -- fortify your connection with him so he is willing to work with you to find a solution to his morning sluggishness.
Susan Stiffelman is the author of Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm and Connected and the brand new Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids (An Eckhart Tolle Edition). She is a family therapist, parent coach and internationally recognized speaker on all subjects related to children, teens and parenting.
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