08/18/2006 09:30 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

God is my Sex Toy Co-Pilot

Behold the Bible-Strict marriage manual. These earnest Xtian bestsellers instruct newlyweds on how to have hot sex while avoiding all fantasies, masturbation-- and of course, the dreaded sodomy. Oral sex is good-to-go because no one can seem to find a gospel-line against it!

All the world's pushiest religions have their version of scripture madness when it comes to sex rules.

The three things fundamentalist sexperts have in common, be they Hindu, Moslem, or Christian, are:

Women and children are a husband's property,

Daddy calls the shots,

Jesus/Allah/Krishna must stay in bed with you, as you copulate in any form. It's a threeway you can't ever quit.

On this week's In Bed, I discuss an article in the London Guardian about the battles between top Islamic scholars over what should, and shouldn't go on, in the marriage bed: from coital nightwear, to anal sex, to styles of kissing. 

How many agnostics like me know that "Shia clerics often seem to be more flexible in sexual matters than Sunnis?"  I'm going to look at all Islamic-influenced political conflicts with a new eye now.

But back to Christianity... They take the cake when it comes to niche marketing. There is now a Gospel-loving sex store/web site, called Book 22, where you can buy Bible-friendly Rabbit vibrators. I am not fucking kidding. The owner implores you not to make an order if you're not a married, God-fearing couple of heterosexuals. --Uh, okay, I won't!

Besides, I have a hot date with the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

© Susie Bright's Journal