How much would you bet that Reverend Ted Haggard falls off the wagon in the very near future?
I'm serious. I know he just got a big check to shut up and leave town, but you know what he likes to spend his money on! Tick-tock, gentlemen.
This guy has crusaded against gay people for years-- including while he was going down on a hooker named Mike. He had President Bush's little pink ear while his community equated homosexuals with murderers and thieves. He told his wife he was going on spiritual writing retreats while he was getting laid in Boys Town, dreaming about twinkie-orgies and scoring meth. His sex worker couldn't take it anymore when the Good Reverend started campaigning against gay marriage for the Colorado state ballot, and came forward to spill the beans.
Don't feel sorry for Mr. Haggard's privacy. Ted has now accepted a large "undisclosed amount" from his church elders in exchange for signing a confidentiality agreement and leaving town, after taking a three-week "cure" that wouldn't get rid of a cough, let alone a lifelong sexual preference for men.
Yes, it's high time to announce: The Ted Haggard Betting Pool.
We don't believe Ted's commitment to the straight and narrow is going to last, and we're willing to put money on it.
LYRIC is a role model for anyone who ever knew they were sexually "different" when they were a kid, and didn't want to be alone or afraid anymore. Ted could learn a lot from them!
How do you play? It's easy:
Pick Your Date
Pick any date(s) on the calendar between now and February 6, 2008. (That's the anniversary of Pastor Ted's announcement that he was "100% het" and that his "dark and repulsive" life was behind him).
You can pick as many dates as you want, a separate bet for each one.
Multiple players can pick the same date.
Place Your Bets
Send an email to email@example.com with:
the date(s) you pick,
your email address,
your city & state, and,
the dollar amount you'd like to place on your picks.
There is a five dollar per-date minimum.
Send no money now! We'll settle up when Ted cracks, or the contest ends in one year.
It's a Win/Win/...Win Situation!
If Ted slips before February 6, 2008, 50% of winnings will go to LYRIC, and the other 50% will be awarded to the winning date-holder.
If more than one person holds the winning date, that 50% will be split among them.
If Ted is not caught screwing up or violating his vows in one year, than all the monies will go to LYRIC. A good cause will triumph whether Ted is sneaky or not!
If Ted cracks on a date NOT chosen by anyone, again, all proceeds go to LYRIC.
Tell Everyone You Know
The more people who know about our game, the closer watch we'll have on Ted.
Give them this address: http://BetOnTed.com, which will take them to this post and any updates!
If you wanna make "Bet On Ted" buttons, tshirts, or spinoffs of any kind, please do pile on.
TedWatch: Keep Your Eyes Peeled
For all we know, Haggard might be having adulterous, meth-fueled, "gay" sex right now. But we need evidence! We need the date that something "comes out."
Any of the following events, reported in a credible publishing source, on a specific day, will be counted as a WINNING indictment of Ted's self-delusion:
I'll make it even sweeter. If Ted does COME OUT, apologizes, and makes amends, we'll all be delighted. If that happens, I'll toss another $100 into the LYRIC pot!
This game was dreamed up by Laurie Mann and Susie Bright, who've created a contest as a way to have fun, expose hypocrisy, and promote sexual clarity and self-knowledge. There is no other agenda, scheme, or weirdness to our plans. Names and email addresses collected will be kept strictly private to run the pool, and then digitally shredded at its conclusion. ...Laurie's already picked New Year's Eve, and I'm all over any stressed-filled holiday! Photo: Owen Booth's beautiful gay cowboy doll. Caption by yours truly.