06/30/2006 05:24 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Straight Man's Guide to Lousy Sex

0811830209hotpants First, I spoke to women. I responded to the needs of the unheard minority -- the gals who have had it up to here with tips on sexual enhancement and would rather find the perfect recipe for sexual renunciation.

I called my new path "erotic contrarianism," and it's a philosophy guaranteed to set you free from all desire in no time at all. But, as many of my new followers pointed out, my original manifesto for a sex-free existence was geared solely toward female devotees.

"What about men?" you ask. "Aren't they also entitled to break the bonds of fleshly rapture?" Well, of course they are! Yet, taking into account how important gender stereotypes are in ruining anyone's sex life, we must approach the male animal with an entirely different strategy from the one we use for the fairer sex.

First of all, no real man can brag that he wants to rid himself of sexual desire, unless he is considering a career in a monastery. Whereas the mature woman can freely boast that she doesn't care if she never has sex again, with almost complete social acceptance, the manly man must at least appear to be effortlessly, and inexhaustibly, horny.

Many men are already ambivalent about sexually intimacy, or feel burned out from erotic heartbreak. But to maintain a sufficient masculine image, they must appear to be perpetually on the make. As a result of this ugly form of schizophrenia, we have legions of men who despise women, but will chase skirts into eternity. Here we have the makings of a superb erotic breakdown.

Some of you may be saying, "But Susie, I'm such a cream puff -- when I'm between a woman's thighs, and savor her soft body in my arms, I turn into a big love bunny."

Well, my little pet, we must put you on a special regimen. Our goal is to shrink those pesky emotions like a set of hemorrhoids. In no time at all you'll find that you can't get laid to save your life.

Ready to hit bottom? Here we go:

1) Faking it isn't just for girls anymore.

It's not your money shot you should fake -- it's the so-called emotional connection that so many pansies insist is simultaneous with orgasm. Say "No" to the that soft center melting in the center of your chest. Disconnect as quickly as possible. Don't let the odd second or two of vulnerability bewilder you! -- Get it in and get it off. You'll be thinking about carving the next notch in your belt before you can say Casa-fucking-nova.

2) Accelerate your sexual dysfunction by pretending that you want to score all the time.

Variety may be the spice of life, but mass quantities are where the real bargains and bragging rights become yours forever! The more people you touch only with your penis, the harder it will be to arouse the little fellow -- and what an elite company you'll be in. Live for conquest, and soon you'll be living alone!

3) Obsess about your inadequate dick size.

Measure it; fret over it daily. Bite your lips bloody while you scrutinize those compelling penis-enlargement ads. Sure, they say that the operation is dangerous, and disfiguring -- but that's just what all the big-cock guys say to keep the franchise to themselves!

Whether you elect surgery or not, the key is dedicating yourself to relentless feelings of inadequacy. Clearly, your penis is not as big as it should be. And, as everyone knows, it's virtually the only thing women are concerned about. You can hardly open the personal ad section of a newspaper without seeing another long list of chicks advertising their demands: "Single Female seeks penniless, carefree dude with gigantic member."

4) When in public, avoid eye contact.

This is the geek-master's shortcut to never having to worry about unwanted casual connections.

5) If you do find yourself in a "conversation" with a potential partner, make sure it's a one-way dialogue.

You do the talking -- all the talking. If she seems about to interrupt you, it's time to cut her off. Take out your cell phone for a nice flourish -- accentuate the fact that you don't have the time to listen. Obviously you won't have time to eat her pussy, either.

6) Set an impossible standard for your dream girl; women will be too bamboozled by their own insecurities to question it.

Why should you cast your balls before swine? You know that the only person who could truly appreciate you is last year's Miss September centerfold, and she's probably an old hag by now.

7) Get married.

When I asked real men for suggestions on how best to ruin a guy's sex life, this is the first thing that pops out of their mouths. Not a bad idea! But it only works if you make sure that your bride is someone who was never into sex very much from the first day you met. You want to marry a naif who has no grip on what turns her on in the first place. That way, you can blame your inhibitions on her. She'll be the one who put your sex life on ice, and you'll never have to take the rap. This one stroke alone will also help you to achieve the next step:

8) Hold on to that double standard.

Remember: When choosing a serious partner, avoid those slutty girls who enjoy orgasms and bodily fluids. Find yourself a girl whose "virtue" is beyond compare -- literally. Obviously, a woman who likes sex as much as you do will never be good enough to be the mother of your children -- save those bad girls for times when you need a guilty little secret.

9) Listen to your peers.

When well-meaning buddies tell you to conform, to avoid sexual and emotional risk, or to doubt your lovers and to expect the worst in love -- buy them another drink. Engrave their warnings on your heart. (You may have so-called "friends" who are actually encouraging you to open your heart -- they're obviously losers you want to avoid.)

10) Whoever has the most toys wins the Viagra prescription.

Nothing makes sex more irrelevant than a healthy appetite for material goods. Here you've been worrying about love, when all you needed was a new SUV! A faster hard drive and a precision audio system could make you happy -- really. Who needs an ugly erection when you have a beautiful high-yield portfolio?

11) Stay in touch with your masculine side, 24-7.

Big boys don't cry, so don't go all soft on me on a bad day. If you start getting mushy again about your "feelings," we're going to have to remind you that if you're going to feel, you're going to get hurt, and we'll have none of that!

12) Graduation

You're all set! By the time you've finished this amazing program, I promise you, you'll be hard as rock, inside and out. Some of you may indeed be fortunate enough to have cut yourself off from most of humanity. What a relief.

And for those of you who can't cut it -- you big silly love bunnies with a rocket in your pants -- give me a ring and leave me your phone number. You obviously need the personal attention that only a trained expert can lavish -- excuse me, I mean lash you with.

© Susie Bright's Journal