I grew up in Louisville, Kentucky. When I told my parents I wanted to go to college in Austin, Texas, my mother, in true form, pulled out the encyclopedia and showed me the map of the United States.
Susie! Do you see how many inches Austin, Texas, is away from here?!
My, how times have changed!
Not only did my parents survive the move away from hard-copy encyclopedias to the Internet, but they also survived my move to the University of Texas, and my decision to make Dallas my home after graduation. The world is, literally, at our fingertips, allowing us access to the latest advances in every conceivable area of interest.
My interests? Learning... Brain science... How people can achieve more, but with less stress... Strategies that help us manage life's stressers in more efficient ways... And helping build skills in children that will benefit those children throughout their lives.
One of the books I've been reading lately combines all of these areas: No-Drama Discipline by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. Upon reading the title, and the subtitle that refers to calming chaos and nurturing your child's developing mind, it actually sounded too good to be true. So, before delving into the book, I took the time to watch a few videos of Siegel and Bryson talking about their program and sharing examples of how and why this discipline system works. Being drawn in, I decided to take the plunge.
The goal of the program is to teach children how to pause and reflect about what they're thinking and feeling themselves, how the other person involved is feeling and what they're thinking, and finding a solution that will work for both parties.
The basics of the discipline system require an understanding of a few different components:
- How the different parts of the brain work: The lower brain, made up of the brainstem and limbic systems, is more primitive and is responsible for the more basic body operations (emotions, breathing, digestion, etc.) and is more reactive. The upper brain, made up of the cerebral cortex, takes care of planning, regulating emotions, empathy, flexibility, and personal insight, and is more receptive. Warning: This upper brain isn't fully developed until around the mid-20s; it's no wonder so many of us make silly choices when we're younger!
- Neurons that fire together wire together. As in, the more experience we have practicing skills, the better we become at them. Repeated experiences produce more automatic responses; think Pavlov's dog and you'll understand right away.
- When our children are upset, we want to show them compassion and empathy. Not only will this confirm to your child that you love him regardless of what mistakes he makes, it will also calm the reactive lower brain so you can reach that calm upper brain that helps make decisions and controls impulses. Getting to the calmer upper brain will allow you to connect with your child, and then redirect the behavior to a more beneficial direction.
While all of this sounds wildly complicated, it actually isn't. The system simply leads us in being more thoughtful in what we say to our children and how we say it. After all, the point of disciplining is not to punish; we want to teach our children life lessons from which they will be able to lead happier, healthier, more productive lives.
The next time your child does something upsetting, stop and take a deep breath. Think first, so you can respond rather than react. Ask yourself: What lesson do I want to teach? Is my child in a calm state of mind so he can receive the message? Am I in a calm state of mind so I can communicate in the most beneficial way?
Have more questions? Watch a few videos. Read No-Drama Discipline. I think you'll be amazed at the possibilities.